REVIEW: Barrio Tales (2012)

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Barrio Tales: F

More like Barrio Fails. Hey oh! But seriously I am a pretty big fan of horror anthologies mainly because if you are watching a shitty story, it is only like 25 minutes from being over instead of 75, but this movie had 2 awful stories and 1 average one, so it left much to be desired.

The first story, “Maria,” looked like it was made just so the guys in it can show how much they party, as only like 4 minutes of the story involved a ghost and actual kills.

The second story was about a fat guy named Tio who made the best tacos in town out of human flesh. Of the three stories this was the only one that was entertaining on even an average level.

The third story was about some rednecks who kidnap some Mexicans to torture them, only to have the Mexicans fight back in one of the worst gun battles of all time. The story was titled “El Monsturo” and was allegedly about some monster but the monster did basically nothing cool, and at the end he was shot.

Overall this is the second worst anthology horror film I have seen next to Death 4 Told (I googled Death 4 Told and it has one of the lowest IMDB rankings I have ever seen).

REVIEW: Creepshow 2 (1987)

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Creepshow 2: D

Have you ever seen a sad clown cry?

Well, you would have if you were with me while I was watching this turd. Or when I try to pee during a “flare-up” (the pills don’t always work).

I would beat up this movie in the park if I could. It is just horrible hack-work with a gold-seal pair of names attached to it-and that gold seal is a fucking lie. I hate this movie so much.

It’s marketed as an actual sequel to the God Damn awesome Creepshow. That film was actually written by Stephen King and directed by George Romero. This movie was marketed as “from Stephen King and George Romero”.

But that’s a lie. This infectious bloodworm of a movie was directed by some fucking hack and only has three stories. 2 of them say they’re “adapted” from “story ideas” by George Romero. Then a significant part of the running time is taken up with weird cartoon interludes between the stories.

I think what happens in the cartoons is that a little boy gets a delivery from a zombie mailman and then the town bully tries to take the package and the boy kicks the bully in the balls and that makes the bully want to rape him so the bully’s gang chases the boy but the boy has giant man-eating flowers in a vacant lot for some reason and the flowers eat the bullies while the boy laughs.

Only one story comes from Stephen King-and it’s in fact one of his best short stories- “The Raft”. And they do it pretty well until they fuck up the hopeless scary as hell ending for some shock value that I think they just needed for the trailer. But what’s the fucking point of giving away the new shock ending in the fucking trailer. That fucks up your whole shock thing, Hollywood.

If I worked for the Hollywood, I wouldn’t have done that.

One thing I did like was the “sharing body heat to stay alive” scene in “The Raft”. It’s also got a good amount of people getting scalped for the history buffs out there. And a gigolo for the ladies.

Fuck this movie. Go read “The Raft” instead. And if you don’t like reading, then play with your butt awhile. That would be better for you than watching this movie.

REVIEW: Rosemary’s Baby (1968)

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Rosemary’s Baby: A+

This is one of the best horror films ever made. It’s psychologically creepy as fuck and the writing/acting/direction are fantastic. Structurally, each scene is like a scene from a play with a beginning, middle, and end that all contribute to the overall plot. There is no wasted screen time or pretentious/frivolous scenes thrown in for the hell of it.

Rosemary and her struggling actor husband Guy move into a New York apartment building and befriend local weirdos Roman and Minnie Castevet. The four of them drink fancy cocktails, and swap stories by the fire with Guy and Roman having plenty of private after-dinner chats while Minnie distracts Rose in another room. I wonder what they’re talking about in there…

The film starts by getting you hooked on Rosemary. She is so sweet and charming it’ll make your face hurt! Guy, on the other hand, has all the charm of a pedophiliac car salesman, which is probably why Rosemary begins to suspect him of selling their first born to the Castevets in exchange for material wealth and success. After a few weeks of Guy and Roman’s private time, good news! Rosemary is pregnant! She is a little distressed when she wakes up with scratches all over her body and what feels like a roofie-hangover, with no memories of sex with Guy, only remembering how the night before, Guy was fucking FORCING HER to eat this creepy ice cream sundae that tasted like chemicals. But, regardless, she knows right off the bat that she is with child and this makes her super-stoked.

This paranoia she has about Guy, by the way, is so entertaining to watch because the events that inspire it increase in intensity exponentially, starting with really subtle pangs of doubt to full-blown suspicions of murder and occult rituals, making for great pacing for a psychological thriller. While at first, she is only weary of what appear to be coincidences, she starts to freak the fuck out because she thinks she’s uncovering a global Satanic conspiracy that centers on her baby! 

Guy’s career mysteriously takes off and his rival in the biz contracts a terminal illness. The neighbors all take a special interest in Rosemary’s pregnancy, feeding her funky herbs and monitoring her every move. The Castevets act even weirder and become obsessed with her baby and it seems like everyone is in cahoots, ganging up on Rosemary. People die and stuff.

This is a movie like no other and you owe it to yourself to see it.  

REVIEW: Unlucky Charms (2013)

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Unlucky Charms: F-

Charles Band is the founder, director and lead writer for film production company Full Moon Features. After viewing Unlucky Charms he is also very high on my list of people to punch in the face. This cinematic crap fest sets special effects back about 20 years, while simultaneously bringing us a a jumbled mess of a story and the lesser of the O’Connell brothers, Charlie O’Connell.

The movie starts off with some midget with a fake beard named Farr Darrig sitting in front a green screen consoling a small child. Soon he is joined by 3 other midgets all wearing terrible masks, and we learn that they are 4 mythical creatures that can be called upon to do the deeds of whomever holds the ancient “4 charms”. Well it turns out that the person currently holding these 4 charms is some bitch named Deville who is deathly afraid of getting old. To solve this problem she holds a fake reality TV casting, where 3 strippers and a fat chick get to battle it out to see who becomes the model of Deville’s newest fashion line. However the reality show is just a front for her actual intentions which are to use the 4 demons to steal the girls’ souls so she can stay young.

Once these shitty plot points are established, the demons go around killing the poor strippers with special effects that looked like rejected scenes from the Mighty Morphing Power Rangers. All of this is pretty ho-hum until the director pulls a fast one and enacts one of the worst plot twists in history when the demons suddenly gain a sense of morality and decide that killing the strippers is wrong and they should instead kill Deville.

Now not only is it stupid that evil entities all of the sudden become moral beings, but it also limits the amount of kills in the movie to 1, and it means that I did not get to see Charlie O’Connell killed either, which is 90% of the reason I kept the movie on past 11 minutes.

On the plus side the chicks are hot, even the fat one in a chubby way, and we see some boobs and get the pleasure of watching another O’Connell embarrass themselves on the silver screen.

Overall do not watch unless you are under 12 and can somehow not access porn on the internet.