REVIEW: Sharknado (2013)


Sharknado: C-

A CGI tornado full of CGI sharks hits LA in this perfect storm of B-movie shittiness.

Sharknado basically exists for you and your friends to converge in the living room, turn down the lights, and tear this movie a new asshole a la Mystery Science Theater 3000. It achieves this goal with a calculated, precise balance missing from most other movies designed to be fucking dumb.

One of the guys from 90210, Tara Reid, and the dad from Home Alone are trying to flee LA and the hungry Sharknado. The plot holes are astronomical, the CGI is cheap, and the acting is wretched, ON PURPOSE.

Numerous times, I caught myself marveling at the fact that this movie was allowed to exist. Like someone at SyFy said “Hey, how about we make a movie about a tornado filled with sharks and a blonde with huge breasts who launches missiles at the tornado filled with sharks and we make it so fucking bad ON PURPOSE that its intentional shittiness makes it all ok. And we’ll call it Sharknado.” And then they made the movie exactly like that.

A cocktail waitress operates a helicopter and the dad from Home Alone beats a CGI shark with a bar stool.

I couldn’t tell if it’s semi-ballsy genius or just another B-movie off the conveyor belt that, through some fluke, achieved some sort of flawless creature-feature awesomeness and inflated cult status. I fell for it though. In my opinion, Sharknado is the product of the realization that there are a lot of people who like to cleverly bash shitty movies and that these same people would enjoy a movie made for this purpose alone. The movie is meant to be mocked and SyFy did a great job of doing what they were trying to do.

In conclusion: this movie is fucking dumb.

REVIEW: Jaws (1975)


Jaws: A+

What the fuckety fuck is a classic like Jaws doing on this site?  Well crap it all, if The Saddest Clown in the World is going to review Psycho, I’m going to review the best damn Carcharodon carcharias movie ever.  (That’s right.  It’s even better than Jaws:  The Revenge.)

The really ironic thing is that if things had gone Steven Spielberg’s way, this might have been a giant slice of turd pie.  At the very least, it wouldn’t have become a classic.  What was the problem?  The damn shark didn’t work right.  That means he had to focus on some crazy shit like story and character.

Like every sane person who isn’t a Hitler-loving child molester who eats his own feces, I probably watch this film at least once a year.  Do I watch it for the awesome shark attacks?  No.  I watch it because I love the characters.  I love the pacing.  I love the dialogue.  I diarrhea in my pants with joy every time Quint says something.  That fucker’s gonna get that damn Great White no matter what, ’cause he saw all his buds become a shark buffet, and no matter what the goddamn tagline was forJaws 4, shit was PERSONAL with this film.  But hey, it’s not just Quint who’s great.  Brody’s awesome, and I turn into a sentimental pile of goo during that scene where he tells his son the reason why he wants a kiss is because “I need it.”  And who can forget Hooper?  He learns the hell out of you with all his shark trivia.

But hey, the shark’s still cool.  Now, I’m not one of those hipster fucks who reflexively bemoans the use of CGI.  I actually think that really good CGI beats practical effects on some occasions.  However, bad practical effects are always better than bad CGI.  Even if you think that Bruce looks like a robot shark, a robot shark can still chomp your stupid ass in half.

Buy this bitch on Blu-Ray, ’cause it looks so divinely pristine that you’ll be convinced that you’re a shark.  Then you’ll run to the nearest beach and chomp into some poor kid who’s going for a swim.  And he’ll be delicious.  And his mom will slap the sheriff.