hitchcock | BLOODCRYPT

Psycho II: B+

This movie was made and is set exactly 22 years after the events depicted in the first movie, which is called Psycho One. Anthony Perkins (who many might remember from The Black Hole) reprises his role as Norman Bates. And he’s pretty damn good.

Also returning from the original is Jamie Lee Curtis’ Aunt, who is again played by Vera Miles, who played the role of the worried sister of Jamie Lee Curtis’ Mom in the first film too.

Apparently, the sister ended up married to that hardware dude who Jamie Lee Curtis’ Mom was banging and stole money for in Psycho One. Right on, hardware dude…both sisters. I was kind of wishing he was in the movie so he could give a monologue about the sister’s different smells.

Anyway, after their harrowing experiences in the first film they fell in love and got married and hella banged without protection, because the Agnes of God is also in it, and she plays Jamie Lee Curtis’ Mom’s Sister’s Daughter.

If you are not an expert in genealogy, which I assume you are not, this means that Agnes of God is Jamie Lee Curtis’ Mom’s Niece, which makes her Jamie Lee Curtis’ cousin and those cousins both have great natural boobs.

Norman, he has just been declared sane and sent home to his motel and Psycho House. But this is no good for the Curtis girls. They want him back in the slam. So they’re trying to drive him crazy by moving shit around the Psycho House and hiding tape recordings of “Mother” trying to make him think he’s losing it again

So Agnes of God pretends to be a runaway, and she cons Norman Bates into giving her a place to stay, which is how they can put stuff in the Psycho House.

So Norman Bates is actually the victim here. Now, he’s not totally done with his old tricks. He still watches Agnes of God through a hole in the wall while she showers (which is how I know about the boobs), but the Oedipal/matricidal/sex-shame/misogynistic rage killings really have abated for now.

Also there’s a subplot about Detective Sipcowicz selling drugs out of the Bates Motel. That was probably a sting or something.

So will Norman win against these vindictive cunts? Watch it yourself, because it is a pretty passable sequel to a perfect movie-especially considering it was made in the early 80’s like Flashdance.

Anthony Perkins is great once again. Norman does pretty good keeping his mind and vanquishing his foes in the end.

Or at least until the end-end.

Psycho I: A+

Jamie Lee Curtis’ Mom has a problem. There’s this dude she likes banging but he’s poor. He says he’s too poor to get married because he has to pay off his father’s debts. He says she deserves something better than a poor man like him, but this doesn’t stop him from coming to town and putting it to her in a cheap hotel during her lunch hour every so often.

And she’s mad because he won’t let her come see him where he lives (which is someplace else). He says he lives in the back of a hardware store…which seems suspicious or it’s maybe just hella smooth, playa. But later in the movie, you see it’s true. He does live in the back of a hardware store. Which is not so much cool as it is nice to know he’s not a liar.

So she’s still all hot and bothered after throwing a leg up for this guy at lunch, and goes to some office where her job is to do something, and ends up stealing a bunch of cash her boss told her to put in the bank and skips town, going to that place where this dude lives.

But then there’s a desert, rain and a motel, and she meets Norman Bates, who has a bird fetish and a mean mom.

Then a lot of things happen-if you haven’t seen it, I’m not going to tell how it ends even with a spoiler warning because if you haven’t seen Hitchcock’s Psycho, your Cock is probably Hitched to something stupid, and you’re also too stupid to realize what a spoiler is…and your time is probably better spent finding out how the War of 1812 ended.

Anyway, I only wrote this so I could do reviews on the whole Psycho series, which keeps getting worse, except for the last one.

So, my official review is:

This is a perfect movie. Except for that special effect on the stairs. That’s obviously fake.

Also, Jamie Lee Curtis’ Mom in a bra and slip is sexier than all the blowup-toy-chested horror movie chicks that seem to be the only thing you can see in a mainstream horror movie today.

Can a brother get a natural boob? ‘Cause I been looking.

Psycho II review coming. See Psycho or it’ll ruin it for you.