REVIEW: Dracula 3000 (2004)



Dracula 3000: D

This is the epitome of early 2000’s straight-to-DVD bullshit with an ensemble of Z-level actors shamelessly coming together for a quick cash-in.

The year is 3000 and a space crew made up of Casper Van Dean, and his lackeys Coolio and Tiny Lister, are on an intergalactic rescue mission which leads them to a secret nest of deep-space vampires who are hiding on a spaceship, trying to make their way back to Earth. When I heard this was what the movie was about, and heard that Coolio raps in it, I was sold. The movie has nothing to do with Dracula 2000 but is instead just another horror “In Space” movie.

The cover for the movie says “IN SPACE THERE IS NO DAYLIGHT,” which makes no fucking sense at all. Aren’t there stars/suns fucking everywhere? Also, the movie is rated R. I seriously don’t see how. There is no gore/nudity and barely any profanity.

The nonsensical tagline on the cover art is a representative of the entire script. A good three quarters of the dialogue is comprised of foreboding one-liners that either make no sense or are elementary puns. There is some typical “in space” stuff. There’s some nonsense with the airlocks, computer controlled doors, and a self-destruct sequence.

The film names everyone after vampire mythology. There is a Van Helsing, Orlock, Mina, etc. Coolio’s name however is 187. What a fucking G. He is bitten, becomes a vampire 3000, and says a dope little rap about sucking blood as he prepares to attack a couple of the human crew members. This is so clearly the best part of the movie and it stands out at a ridiculous level. The rap scene was like a loud thirty person orgy interrupting a muted black and white marathon of Andy Griffith.

There is way worse straight-to-DVD stuff out there and your friends and you can get a fun watch out of this one but don’t expect to see any new ideas or believable acting.


REVIEW: Leprechaun in the Hood (2000)


Leprechaun in the Hood: D+

One year, for my birthday, someone got me this movie on DVD. Now whenever it’s my birthday, I tragically think of Leprechaun in the Hood instead of thinking about good things that make me happy.

“Aw yeah, bro, the Leprechaun is in the ‘hood! This shit is gonna be hella dope!” No it is not. If you were that guy who said that at some point: I hate you. The Leprechaun franchise isn’t quite revived with this film. I don’t know how to put it. The near-dead series is awkwardly resuscitated after being out long enough to get serious brain damage only to revive as Leprechaun in the Hood, which is a movie about the Leprechaun in the Hood. The comedy is cranked several degrees and the Leprechaun now kills black people instead of white people. For maybe a combined five minutes, this movie tries to be a horror flick.

Last time we saw the Leprechaun, he was a disembodied, enlarged version of himself floating around outer space. Now we learn that that shit didn’t matter and what really happened was that Ice T captured his ass. Three aspiring rappers get the Leprechaun all pissed off and he stalks them through Compton because they stole his magic flute. There’s a lot of people holding their guns sideways and rapping because the writers didn’t want you forget that we are “in the Hood.” There are about three times as many one-liners and “jokes” as the other four films combined and after the end credits finally fucking begin, you get to see the Leprechaun rapping, which is totally funny if you are totally lame. It is about as amusing as one of those Hallmark cards that play music when you open it.

If you have come this far with the series, you should just watch this so that you understand how bad things have gotten. If you watch it with some friends whilst drinking copious amounts of malt liquor, you’ll be okay.

REVIEW: Pterodactyl (2005)


Pterodactyl: D

Pterodactyl is ptero-terrible but I was entertained during most of the movie.

Some scientists/students on a field trip meet some terrorist-hunting Marines in the woods in rural Turkey and all of a sudden, pterodactyls start eating everyone! How’s that for a plot, asshole?

The CGI looks like PS1 but who cares; if you sit down to watch this movie, you know what you are getting yourself into. This movie was made during a unique window of time in which CGI in horror films was just god-awful and Sharknado had not been made yet. Bad movies with post-Sharknado era self-awareness that are “so bad, they’re good”  were not being mass produced for mainstream audiences, so any movies like Pterodactyl that didn’t take itself seriously wasn’t doing so because the filmmakers thought they would get paid. It was because the movie was a piece of shit and/or no one cared. This is part of why I don’t hate this movie: I don’t feel like it not taking itself seriously is a gimmick being sold to me.

Anyway, if you were hoping for something at all like Jurassic Park, prepare to watch that hope get eviscerated by a pterodactyl. Check this out: Coolio plays one of the soldiers! His only role in the film is to blast shit with automatic weapons and deliver one-liners. When the terrorist ringleader gets dropped into the dactyl nest at the end, Coolio lowers the assault rifles he holds in each hand and quips “Damn! Judgement by dinosaur!” while the dactyl babies tear the guy up.

There is a plot worse than most video games’ and a lot of guns, dinosaurs, and carnage. The movie didn’t age well. Don’t watch it unless you love Coolio or you have brain damage or both.