REVIEW: Psycho 4 (1990)


Psycho IV: The Beginning: C+

So Norman Bates is not crazy again. He’s been released from the slam and he even has a wife who is…a psychiatric nurse. They live together in the Psycho House because of all the great memories. And memories is what we get. This is a prequel/sequel told mostly through flashbacks.

Norman seems to be doing okay until his wife tells him she’s preggers with his child. Then he starts getting all fussy because he’s afraid his child will inherit the mental illness that he inherited from Mother. He calls a radio talk show. The topic is, luckily, matricide. He says he’s thinking about killing his wife and the baby inside her to protect the world from brutal slayings. And they ask Norman to tell his story. So he does. And the flashbacks begin.

So it’s Anthony Perkins (who many might remember from 1964’s Agent 38-24-36) playing Norman Bates and Eliot from E.T. playing young Norman Bates. Playing Mother is Juliet, who we all know has great natural boobs. Even Norman thinks so and he gets punished for having a boner brush her leg while they’re wrestling. Because sex is bad and shameful, says Juliet. So she makes him dress as a girl as punishment for his boners. And Eliot is pretty traumatized to begin with because his dad died when he was 6 and he also lost his friend E.T.

But then Juliet starts banging Sledge Hammer. Then they build a motel and then all hell breaks loose because Norman can’t stop or stand thinking about his hypocritical, slutty mom and her fickle feelings about boners.

So he wastes them both and becomes like he was in Psycho One.

Then in modern day, he decides not to kill his family and puts the down the knife he had for doing that. Then he burns down Psycho House and says he’s okay now, thank you.

Passable. Pretty good acting, weird sexual tension everywhere and Juliet’s feelings about boners add up to put this in the realm of “Not a Waste of Time, at Least”. Especially if you like these characters. And it’s interesting to note that Joseph Stefano, who wrote the screenplay for Psycho One, is also the writer of this one and most likely had dementia when he wrote it. Because forgot the Juliet nude scene. That’s a senior moment if there ever was one.

REVIEW: Psycho 3 (1986)



Psycho III: D+

Norman Bates is crazy again. He has a new stuffed mother, a Psycho House and a motel to run, and sex-shame rage killings to get to. But he has these people bugging him about all kinds of shit.

First there’s this nun with a death wish. She is supposed to kind of resemble Jamie Lee Curtis’ Mom from Psycho One. And she has the same initials, which is tripping Norman out. But this nun looks nothing like Jamie Lee Curtis’ Mom at all-so it didn’t trip me out-but then again I’m not a sex-shame rage killer so I see things pretty clearly. Norman, you know, he’s got issues. He starts to think maybe she’s the reincarnation of Jamie Lee Curtis’ Mom come to haunt him or something.

Also there’s this reporter and this music hobo who want to get famous by finding out if Norman’s up to something and what it is. And all these people do some things and then some people get killed and Norman just gets fussier, but it’s left up the viewer to decide if he’s gone back to sex-shame rage killings.

This groupie with great natural boobs gets killed in a phone booth, and then other stuff happens until Norman loses it and goes back to being crazy, even though he might not even be the one doing the killing. I can’t really remember, because it’s a stupid mystery that doesn’t make sense.

But I do remember this: this is just the names of Psycho and Norman Bates pushed through as a boiler-plate eighties slasherfest. And it sucks.

And the attempt at the end to reflect the awesome closing shot of Psycho One is just ham-handed and piss-poor and doesn’t make sense. And these days just a scary look isn’t enough, so they have to have Norman caressing a mummified severed hand instead of just staring like in the awesome Psycho One. Also, Anthony Perkins (who many might remember from Mahogany) doesn’t need to be doing close ups at this point in his life.

Then you find out that this turd was actually directed by Anthony Perkins. I would think he would be a better director because he was in some legal thriller directed by Citizen Kane. And you want to say “Didn’t you learn nothing? Fuck You, Tony Perkins!” and you want to yell it in a Cuban accent because you’re so mad. Then you remember he’s dead and you feel guilty for a few minutes.

But I will say this: for a gay man, Anthony Perkins knows how to cast great natural boobs.

D+ over all. But you will enjoy it more if you are the type of person who likes to see a talented artist shit on his legacy with hack work.

REVIEW: Psycho (1960)



Psycho I: A+

Jamie Lee Curtis’ Mom has a problem. There’s this dude she likes banging but he’s poor. He says he’s too poor to get married because he has to pay off his father’s debts. He says she deserves something better than a poor man like him, but this doesn’t stop him from coming to town and putting it to her in a cheap hotel during her lunch hour every so often.

And she’s mad because he won’t let her come see him where he lives (which is someplace else). He says he lives in the back of a hardware store…which seems suspicious or it’s maybe just hella smooth, playa. But later in the movie, you see it’s true. He does live in the back of a hardware store. Which is not so much cool as it is nice to know he’s not a liar.

So she’s still all hot and bothered after throwing a leg up for this guy at lunch, and goes to some office where her job is to do something, and ends up stealing a bunch of cash her boss told her to put in the bank and skips town, going to that place where this dude lives.

But then there’s a desert, rain and a motel, and she meets Norman Bates, who has a bird fetish and a mean mom.

Then a lot of things happen-if you haven’t seen it, I’m not going to tell how it ends even with a spoiler warning because if you haven’t seen Hitchcock’s Psycho, your Cock is probably Hitched to something stupid, and you’re also too stupid to realize what a spoiler is…and your time is probably better spent finding out how the War of 1812 ended.

Anyway, I only wrote this so I could do reviews on the whole Psycho series, which keeps getting worse, except for the last one.

So, my official review is:

This is a perfect movie. Except for that special effect on the stairs. That’s obviously fake.

Also, Jamie Lee Curtis’ Mom in a bra and slip is sexier than all the blowup-toy-chested horror movie chicks that seem to be the only thing you can see in a mainstream horror movie today.

Can a brother get a natural boob? ‘Cause I been looking.

Psycho II review coming. See Psycho or it’ll ruin it for you.