Forbidden World (1982): D+

It was exhausting trying to keep up with this movie’s endless unoriginality. If you showed the movie Alien to a 13 year-old boy and asked him to rewrite the movie to include boobs and laser pistols, he would give you Forbidden World.

The movie starts with a Power Ranger looking robot defrosting some guy named Commander Cody from deep stasis sleep so he can defend their spaceship in an outer space laser battle. Cody is a scruffy anti-hero; he makes some wise cracks, stumbles groggily to the control booth, and performs some evasive/laser action that will make you have an epileptic seizure.

Surprise: he rescues the ship all nonchalantly and fucking blasts off into hyper space like a smirking badass.

Cody is summoned to a deep space research vessel to help some scientists contain a mutagenic organism that is loose on the ship. The scientists, two babes and four douche bags, claim the organism has a metabolic rate “fifty times faster than any known organism on Earth.” Wouldn’t that mean it would need to eat like every fucking five minutes or die? Before you can even fathom that mystery, you have to divert your attention to the plagiarism avalanche headed your way.

Check it out Alien fans: the mutant first appears in a cocoon state until it suddenly hatches and launches a face-hugging assault on some dude’s – who looks like Emilio Estavez – skull. Estavez spasms gruesomely and his body is slowly dissolved by the mutant’s digestive enzymes. The mutant, then small in size, travels the ship slaughtering personnel and rapidly growing in size until it looks EXACTLY LIKE THE FUCKING ALIEN FROM GODDAMN FUCKING ALIEN mixed with the man-eating plant from Little Shop of Horrors. They use motion-sensor based radar to track the mutant while aboard the ship.

Cody finds time to bang the babe scientists (in two separate scenes). There is Carpenter-esque synth music the whole time. The women take a shower together for some reason.

There is a really strange scene where the mutant “patches” itself into the ship’s computer system. It just sits in the control room for like half an hour and they are afraid to kill it because then it might initiate a self-destruct on the ship or cut off the oxygen supply. One of the babes logs into a computer and FUCKING CHATS with the mutant! They type back and forth with each other and the mutant triggers the ship’s PA to play a very lame 1980’s sounding synth-rock song just for her. Then it suddenly disengages and continues its killing spree.

In the end, Cody performs stomach surgery on a scientist and removes a volleyball sized tumor which he makes the mutant eat. The mutant pukes a bunch and is defeated. The audience pukes a bunch and is defeated.

The makeup effects for gore were pretty good. Everything else: not so good.