REVIEW: Grabbers (2012)

Posted on January 23, 2014 by BloodCrypt Keeper

Grabbers: C+

There’s these sea monsters in Ireland that, yup, grab people. They have tentacles and an appetite for human flesh.

When the natives realize that alcohol to these monsters is like holy water to vampires, they all get super-trashed and the monsters leave them alone. Any monster that tries to snack on a drunk person pops like a water balloon.

After this plot point is out of the way, we get a Sean of the Dead style splat-stick where a gaggle of foul-mouthed gregarious Irishmen (and women) drunkenly beat up amphibious CGI monsters. There’s a variety of monsters ranging from chicken-sized face-huggers, to dog-sized octopi, to a building-sized full-fledged sea monster. They all get literally smashed by figuratively smashed, inebriated gingers.

Yeah, this movie cheaply relies on the stereotype that Irish people are wont to be drunkards, but it was somehow entertaining to watch people stumble around and bludgeon purple carnivorous octopi with table legs. Way more entertaining than other horror movies I’ve seen that shamelessly rely on stereotypes to carry the plot.

I actually got into the spirit of things and I got black out shit-housed while watching this one. So, I dunno, maybe it deserves better than a C+. Maybe worse. All I know is that it was a swell, hair-above-average time taking belts of Jameson and watching this one.

Burp!

REVIEW: John Dies at the End (2012)

Posted on June 17, 2013 by BloodCrypt Keeper

John Dies at the End (2012): B

From the minds of the people who brought you Phantasm, Beastmaster, and Bubba Ho-Tep comes this movie about two dudes who dabble in otherworldly narcotics and go on adventures. It’s like Naked Lunch, Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure, and Tim & Eric Awesome Show put together. If you aren’t a sick fuck with A.D.D., this movie will make you one. And that’s a good thing.

Just when I think I’m watching another low-budget turd, Paul Giamatti sits down at a table and starts talking. He is interviewing this guy Dave, which sets up the frame story for the rest of the film.

Dave’s story is fucking bonkers. He and his friend John, who dies at the end, have been shooting up with this drug they call “soy sauce.” It looks like soy sauce. It’s a little different though because it slithers around like Spiderman’s black costume and chooses whose circulatory system to invade. Also, the sauce grants one clairvoyant abilities, heightened senses, and the ability to communicate with/see/travel to other dimensions.

When they both get sauced out, they go on excellent adventures like Bill and Ted. They fight a demon made out of cold cuts who can turn doorknobs into cocks. They outwit a wanna be gangsta who is possessed by extra-terrestrial space dust. They capture giant bugs in hamster cages. They travel to another world to battle a malevolent organic super-computer who wants to come to our universe so it can feed innocent people to hordes of giant spiders and steal their imaginations.

I’m not even scratching the surface of all the shit they do. The movie’s pace is super-quick. You’ll get up to go to the bathroom when Dave rips a cop’s arm off and you’ll come back to see him talking on a hot dog like it’s a cell phone.

The effects are hilarious; make-up and gore effects are wonderful but the CGI is made-for-TV quality. The characters are the best part. John and Dave confront demons and monsters with Ash’s “swallow this” sensibilities. It definitely made me lol multiple times and I felt like real life was moving in slow motion once the film ended.

REVIEW: Leprechaun 4: In Space (1997)

Posted on April 22, 2013 by BloodCrypt Keeper

Leprechaun 4: In Space: D+

I know what you’re asking yourself right now, but allow me to counter with a question of my own: Why wouldn’t the Leprechaun be in space? Huh? Think about that, smarty-pants.

The Leprechaun’s evil has reached intergalactic proportions in this shitfest of a film. He kidnaps a princess from another planet whom he plans to use as a hostage in order to become king of her home-world. Then, some space-marines come along. You know. Space-marines. Like in Aliens and Starship Troopers. They murder the shit out of the Leprechaun, but he manages to sneak onto their vessel in a completely logical manner: When an overzealous marine is urinating on his corpse, the Leprechaun transmigrates his essence into the guy’s penis, which he later violently bursts from once he returns to the ship. That’s right: a dick-stowaway.

By the way, don’t google “dick-stowaway.”

Now that the “in Space” part is taken care of, we can sit back and watch the Leprechaun formula mindlessly unfold. Everything that happens in spaceship sci-fi movies happens; someone gets sucked through the airlock, someone’s spacesuit is ruptured, someone is an android, a self-destruct sequence is initiated. At one point, the Leprechaun genetically mutates one of the crew into a human-arachnid hybrid. He is doused in liquid nitrogen and shattered by a bullet a la Terminator 2, similar to how your will to live should be feeling at this point in your viewing of this abysmal mess.

The rip-offs of the Alien movies are fucking shameless. If space-marines, bursting from a human body, spaceship self-destruct, and hidden androids weren’t enough, the Leprechaun is zapped with an enlarging ray, becomes a 40-foot tall version of himself, and, just like the Queen at the end of Aliens, the protagonist blasts him through the airlock into space after a showdown in the cargo bay. Someone should blast this movie into space. But then, aliens might find the movie and assume it is a representative of our collective culture. Then they would understandably kill us all. Thanks a lot, Leprechaun 4!

The Leprechaun explodes in space and his disembodied hand flips off the space ship at the end of the film for one last fucking lame zinger. Really, he is flipping off the audience as if to say “At no point during the making or execution of the film did we respect you, the audience. Hey audience: FUCK YOU.”