BloodCrypt Keeper

Cursed! Cursed to watch these hideous phantoms! Damn you wraiths that tear and claw at the eyes! Damn you specters! Would I have known that this staircase descended into this Hell, I would have killed myself a thousand times over, would have thrown myself down the first step and dashed my brains upon the winding steps! Now I sit, a grotesque and frozen-stiff avatar for the unceasing torture and doom that is the BloodCrypt! I watch, dear reader, but I also receive! Like the arch-fiend who some imagine stalks at their elbow, waiting to rip them from this world and send them to the fires, so do I lay in wait with a certain unholy hunger. A hunger for fresh souls! For fresh meat! For fresh eyes, dear reader! On an obsidian throne of VHS do I sit while I welcome misfit wanderers to their pathetic fates. Destined to suffer! Destined to watch!

Dr. Loomis

My earliest recollection of exposure to the genre was sneaking out of bed to watch Friday the 13th, Part 2 behind my babysitter’s back.  Once I saw that dude in a wheelchair roll down the stairs with a machete stuck through his face, I was hooked for life.

Most horror movies are dumb, so I don’t really hold that against them.  I give bad grades for boring, derivative, lazy trash that doesn’t even provide the basic ingredient of a gore flick: perverse entertainment.

My favorite sub genres include slasher, demon possession, and found footage.  I’m not into torture porn, so if you’re looking for an objective take on the Hostel or any Saw installment since the first one, look elsewhere.

Bleeding Richards

Unlike many of his fellow reviewers, Bleeding “Dick” Richards did not grow up as a fan of horror movies. In fact, for a good part of his life, he was a frightened little BITCH who was too scared to see anything of that genre. He was even hesitant about seeing Ghostbusters, for fuck’s sakes. Still, there was some fascination, as he’d always read the backs of the VHS horror tapes that were for rent at his local grocery store. He also liked it when his friends would tell him what happened in them, letting his imagination run wild. That’s why his non-memories of the Friday the 13th movies are probably much more frightening than your actual memories of them.

When he entered his late teen years, he began to differentiate between fiction and reality and no longer had a problem with horror. While he was able to appreciate classics like The Shining and The Exorcist, he quickly learned that just like any genre, 90 percent of it is pure shit. Actually, with horror, it might be up to 95 percent. Still, 80 percent of that 95 percent can be fun if you watch it with a group of friends and make fun of it as it’s playing.

The Saddest Clown in the World

Has problems but doesn’t blame them on you. Yet.

Greg the Ghoul

Greg ANGRY!

Greg work late shift alone at Blockbuster Video! One night, suspicious customer appear at MIDNIGHT! Customer tell Greg he make Greg IMMORTAL! All Greg need is DRINK CUSTOMER’S BLOOD! Greg hesitant, but customer use HYPNOSIS on Greg! Customer is VAMPIRE!

Greg drink blood and start to feel bad! Feel like DYING! Just then, vampire-hunting posse break through all windows in Blockbuster Video and KILL vampire customer! When posse see Greg, they call Greg bad names! Call Greg “ZOMBIE” and “UNDEAD” and “WRAITH” and “GHOUL!” Posse perform magic ritual to banish Greg from Earth realm! Greg awaken in Bad Movie Place! Greg hungry for human blood and brains and FLESH! Only thing help slow Greg decay is watching bad movies in Bad Movie Place! Greg have curse now, but watching movies better than become corpse!