Socrates: So, Glaucon, you recently saw a film you found… compelling?

Glaucon: Compelling? Socrates, it was something else altogether. Breeders – a horror movie like no other! It has all the ingredients to make a chilling film! Monsters, college girls, and absolutely no restraint at all. I loved it!

Socrates: Hmm, indeed. I assume this monster is a rather complex villain, yes? Perhaps the reason this film is worth of your love?

Glaucon: Complex? Well… no… he’s quite… single-minded. He’s an alien living in catacombs under a girls’ boarding school, driven by one thing: breeding with the college girls.

Socrates: Ah, so he must have a certain magnetism, this alien of yours? How does he, ahem, attract these young women?

Glaucon: (chuckling) Oh, it’s absurd, Socrates. He uses alien technology! He’s got these glowing meteor fragments. They look like gemstones, so naturally, several girls transform them into jewelry. Classic case of reckless vanity.

Socrates: And these “attractive” space rocks… I assume they are merely fashionable and have no secret function — for that would be predictable and cliche.

Glaucon: Hardly! They put the girls under his telepathic control, leading them, one by one, to his lair beneath the school. You can guess his intentions.

Socrates: Fascinating. I take it they willingly stroll to their doom?

Glaucon: Not exactly willingly, no! The Breeder’s got them telepathically bound, making them climb into these giant cocoons to be impregnated. It’s downright sinister.

Socrates: And you find this intergalactic date rape to be… thrilling? Perhaps terrifying? Arousing in some way? I must say I find it distasteful.

Glaucon: Well, “thrilling” isn’t quite the word. And I suppose I was never gripped with terror… I was certainly not aroused. It takes a good fifty minutes for anything meaningful to happen, and the Breeder’s approach isn’t exactly subtle.

Socrates: So, a rather pedestrian villain? No clever machinations, no chilling aura of suspense?

Glaucon: None of that, Socrates! In fact, it’s almost laughable. There is a hero, though! A professor who, somehow, manages to piece together the Breeder’s entire plan. He descends into the tunnels to “rescue” the girls, including one he’s already romantically involved with.

Socrates: How noble of him. I take it this adds depth to his character?

Glaucon: Depth? Hardly. This professor is more of an accidental hero, really—a sweater-wearing fellow who doesn’t add much to the story now that I think about it.

Socrates: Truly, it sounds riveting. And the climax? A battle, perhaps, between the two?

Glaucon: If only, Socrates! Instead, we get a tedious 25-minute cat-and-mouse chase that drags on like moss creeping up a tree. The Breeder lumbers around, roaring like some kind of panther, while the professor and the girls trip over cocoons and—of all things—space goo.

Socrates: And I suppose the Breeder himself is a masterwork of frightful design?

Glaucon: (sighs) Not quite. He suffers from what I’d call “Power Ranger Villain Syndrome.” He looks like he should be taking orders from a cartoon villain, not terrorizing a boarding school.

Socrates: So, Glaucon, let me understand you rightly: the villain is uninspired, the hero is shallow, suspense is absent, and the horror… rather absent as well?

Glaucon: Precisely, Socrates. It’s as though the filmmakers knew the entire premise was laughable. Even the Breeder’s “scary” moments are underwhelming. But the women are gorgeous, Socrates!

Socrates: Ah, and there we have it. Remove these poor women at whom you pathetically leer and we’re left pondering why anyone would want to watch this at all. It seems you’ve reached an unexpected conclusion, Glaucon: that Breeders is, in fact, a thoroughly regrettable film.

Glaucon: (reluctantly) Yes, Socrates, I believe you’re right. It’s terrible.