Tag Archives: wtf

REVIEW: Devil (2010)

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Devil: D-

The old lady is the Devil. There. Now you don’t have to watch this movie.

This long stupid monotonous movie is about a group of people trapped in an elevator. One of the people in there (it’s the old lady) is the Devil and everyone is wondering who it is. The premise isn’t awful; if this movie was distilled down to  Twilight Zone episode or a chapter in an anthology movie, it would probably be good, but as it is, it is too drawn-out and repetitive. At times, it reminded me of Cube, what with all the claustrophobia and paranoia, but those were only flashes in a very boring pan; weirdly, this premise/atmosphere is never developed. The movie relies on jump-scares instead of any actual story or horror.

The suspense is spread too thin and it just doesn’t work. Once this thing gets rolling, you are literally just waiting for the next jump-scare. Look, I really want to stress this: it’s the old lady. She’s behind all the killing. She’s the Devil. That’s the whole twist. I wish someone would have just told me that before I watched it.

I’m trying very hard to think of a movie version of the Devil that I liked less than this one who hangs out in an elevator (disguised as the old lady) killing people when the lights go out, but I’m having a rough time. All that comes to mind is Elizabeth Hurley in Bedazzled, but I think she was probably better. George Burns was better.

There’s this part where the “wise elder” character points out to the audience that “sometimes [the Devil] tortures the damned on Earth before claiming them.” For some reason, there are also about a dozen other arbitrary rules that the Devil must operate under like only attacking in the darkness. This is a pretty painful 80 minutes of exposition interrupted by jump-scares. I’m just glad they didn’t find any ancient scrolls or whatever.

The token Shyamalanian “twist” at the end is there, but I doubt you’ll care (not just because you know that old lady is the Devil; I didn’t, and I did not care one fucking bit).

REVIEW: The Traveler (2010)

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The Traveler: F

This movie has a Twilight Zoney premise in which a mysterious, well groomed stranger appears in a police station on X-mas eve ready to confess to a series of murders he committed. The stranger is Kilmer and the murders actually haven’t happened yet, but Kilmer confesses to them one-by-one as he commits them throughout the film using some unexplained supernatural powers. He looks like Pitt from Meet Joe Black on a cupcake diet wearing a Mighty Thor wig and a Robert Davi mask. We must have been about 20 minutes into the movie when we figured out that the killings were revenge for Kilmer’s own death in which he was beaten/tortured by the cops in the police station. The acting was terrible, the plot was predictable. There were two incidents of decent gore but that’s about all.

I want to go on to discuss an interesting phenomenon regarding Kilmer’s deterioration into obesity and a yet unidentified ailment that seems to be accelerating his aging (I’m thinking binge drinking/eating, though this is speculation). His role in straight to DVD films mirrors that of Steven Seagal so closely that it corresponds to a simple set of rules:
1. Kilmer must wear the same outfit which hides his flabby body shape throughout the film. Dark colors and baggy coats are used often.
2. Mediocre actors must carry most of the film and Kilmer gets a combined 8-20 minutes of screen time total, mostly from a stationary position, delivering one-liners.
3. Whenever action is involved, camera tricks or stunt actors cover for Kilmer.
4. Despite appearing blatantly physically useless, Kilmer is given almost superhuman prowess throughout the film, delivering unwarranted intimidation and terror despite the fact that he is laughably chubby and in all probability on a cocktail of stimulants.

I feel like this should have a name. Seagal Syndrome?

REVIEW: The Howling 3: Rise of the Marsupials (1987)

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The Howling 3: Rise of the Marsupials: F

What do you do when you want to make a werewolf movie, but you are in a country that does not have wolves? The answer is simple: Change Werewolf to Kangaroo and BAM: you have a shitty, Australian version of the Howling.

The story revolves around this idiot who is from some tribe in the outskirts of Australia, and every time she hears loud music she transforms into a werewolf-kangaroo. Eventually she escapes the tribe and heads into the city only to be chased down by other werewolf-kangaroos. What follows are some of the worst human to werewolf transformations ever recorded on film, and some of the worst fake werewolf suits ever. The kills were actually all right considering how awful every other aspect of the film was. After 90 minutes with no conclusion I was so tired that I just turned it off despite it having 10 minutes left.

Fuck it.