Silent Hill 2: Revelation: F

Take a cheap, rejected Hellraiser script and tweak the characters to fit in line with the mythology of a Resident Evil wanna-be video game then project that your audience will be a mixture of 16 year old males who jack off too much and desperately nostalgic late-20’s gamers, and you basically have this movie. Throw in some dark, ambient electronica that sounds like loops from Underworld.

A young girl is stalked by leather-clad cenobite-esque demons who seek to trap humans in a perpetual state of ongoing inter-dimensional torture. Her “real” world is broken into sporadically by the monsters who attempt to lure her to a ghost town called Silent Hill where they plan to ritually execute her and steal her secret witchcraft-destruction powers to usher in doomsday. Consequently, the audience is expected to sit through elementary CGI from like three eras ago as she journeys through the caverns of monster-world while this “story” unfolds. John Snow is a dreamy asshole who helps her. Jesus Christ.

The film culminates in what can only be described as a fusion of Soul Caliber and something you’d expect to see on t-shirts at Hot Topic. Sean Bean, Carrie Anne Moss, and Malcolm McDowel all shame themselves during their combined 11 minutes of screen time in this “film.”