Humanoids from the Deep: C-

This isn’t the first movie I’ve seen where disgusting monsters mate with gorgeous, terrified girls, and, if my addiction to horror movies continues, it probably won’t be the last.

Horny, amphibious, carnivorous, sea monsters slaughter, molest, and mate with the teen populace of a run-down beach town in this 1980’s gore-fest. Everyone in the town is either a flannel-wearing Indian-hating mustached redneck or a nubile teen, so the movie has nothing but disposable lives/boobs to feed to the monsters.

The whole Indian-hating thing exists so we can have this subplot where the Indian character rescues some racist rednecks from Humanoids and then they learn that maybe Indians aren’t so bad after all. They’re way better than murderous Humanoids and maybe we can all get along.

The Humanoids themselves suffer from Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers syndrome and all look like dudes in moss covered rubber Godzilla suits. They lumber around slowly and made perfunctory monster noises. The carnage is decent, though. There are a half dozen dog corpses and some gnarled up boyfriends/fathers-of-nubile-teen-girls that actually look pretty gruesome.

I didn’t feel too much sympathy for the people who get killed. One guy’s cut-off jean shorts made me pretty glad he met with a painful death. Another few fatalities are Indian-hating bigots for whom you are incapable of feeling pity.

I really felt bad for the girls. How would you like to be rebelling against your Indian-hating redneck dock worker father by frolicking around a deserted beach with some pale dude who wears daisy-dukes only to have your afternoon ruined by a biped sea-creature who holds you down and does bad, bad things to you?

This movie is like the deformed twin of Species, where a sexy female alien seduces willing human men in a gripping thriller with an all-star cast. In Humanoids, un-sexy male monsters rape human women in a schlocky actor-less creature feature.

If you have a room full of friends and don’t feel like using your brain, this movie is worth a peripheral watch.