REVIEW: Baby Geniuses (1999)



Baby Geniuses- UV because it’s too scary.

This is the scariest movie I’ve ever seen. It’s about people doing science to babies, which is cool, but then the science gives the babies superhuman intellect. They become like malevolent stand-up comics who can do science themselves but still have speech impediments.

These geniuses also still wear diapers, like that black hole guy in the wheelchair. But these diapered sociopaths don’t need wheelchairs. And there are lots of them. And they start to make plans and talk shit to adults. Because they don’t care.

There is one guy who wants to stop the baby geniuses, but only for his own selfish ends. So, its one of those movies with no good guy-and everybody is totally merciless.

Kathleen Turner is in this movie, by the way. She used to be hot but hoo-boy…this is the movie where she really hit the wall. What wall? That wall all actresses eventually hit…the too-old wall. Some aging ingénues can survive hitting the wall. They ease into roles more suited to them and don’t end up disgracing themselves-like Oscar winner Jane Fonda in Monster-in-Law or Lindsay Lohan in Machete.

But not Kathleen Turner…she hit that wall hard. And her eyebrows tell you that she didn’t expect it. Or maybe she’s just scared of the babies.

Because watching these CGI babies walk and talk and tell bad jokes …is horrifically disturbing, so much so that I’ve started preparing for when this movie becomes a reality. And so should you.

Because just imagine: baby hands…stopping your breath. Too small to detect…too smart to get caught. And as you fade away, alone in your bed with your shitty life flashing before you….

…while the baby that killed you sits on your floor shitting his diaper, playing with your keys and laughing like a grown up.

Scares you, doesn’t it? Well it should. Don’t see this movie.