Psycho I: A+

Jamie Lee Curtis’ Mom has a problem. There’s this dude she likes banging but he’s poor. He says he’s too poor to get married because he has to pay off his father’s debts. He says she deserves something better than a poor man like him, but this doesn’t stop him from coming to town and putting it to her in a cheap hotel during her lunch hour every so often.

And she’s mad because he won’t let her come see him where he lives (which is someplace else). He says he lives in the back of a hardware store…which seems suspicious or it’s maybe just hella smooth, playa. But later in the movie, you see it’s true. He does live in the back of a hardware store. Which is not so much cool as it is nice to know he’s not a liar.

So she’s still all hot and bothered after throwing a leg up for this guy at lunch, and goes to some office where her job is to do something, and ends up stealing a bunch of cash her boss told her to put in the bank and skips town, going to that place where this dude lives.

But then there’s a desert, rain and a motel, and she meets Norman Bates, who has a bird fetish and a mean mom.

Then a lot of things happen-if you haven’t seen it, I’m not going to tell how it ends even with a spoiler warning because if you haven’t seen Hitchcock’s Psycho, your Cock is probably Hitched to something stupid, and you’re also too stupid to realize what a spoiler is…and your time is probably better spent finding out how the War of 1812 ended.

Anyway, I only wrote this so I could do reviews on the whole Psycho series, which keeps getting worse, except for the last one.

So, my official review is:

This is a perfect movie. Except for that special effect on the stairs. That’s obviously fake.

Also, Jamie Lee Curtis’ Mom in a bra and slip is sexier than all the blowup-toy-chested horror movie chicks that seem to be the only thing you can see in a mainstream horror movie today.

Can a brother get a natural boob? ‘Cause I been looking.

Psycho II review coming. See Psycho or it’ll ruin it for you.