Dark Harvest 2 – The Maize: F-

I must first preface this review by saying that this is the most impressive movie I have ever seen. Now I do not mean impressive in the sense that the story was incredibly well written, or that cinematically it was magnificent, or the use of lighting was superb, or that it was expertly acted. I mean that I was incredibly impressed that someone had the audacity to film this garbage and put it on screen.

The biggest tool in low budget cinema, Bill Cowell, stars as the self proclaimed “benevolent Shy Walker” a slightly out of shape, divorced father of two hideous children who starts having crappy prophetic visions about some demon in a cornfield. Unperturbed by these Microsoft Paint level dream sequences, he decides it would be an awesome idea to take his daughters to the local corn maze on Halloween and let them wander around alone. Well as dark approaches and his kids are not yet back, he goes deep into the corn maze himself to confront the horrors that lie within, while searching for his children.

Well after this stupid and unbelievable set up the rest of the movie consists of Cowell walking through a cornfield yelling “Girls!” “Girls!”while looking for his missing daughters. That’s it. Literally almost nothing else happens At one point he escapes the maze only to be arrested, then he punches the cop and escapes arrest band runs back into the maze where he continues to meander about aimlessly. Throughout the course of his shitty adventure he falls over like 11 times and at least 3 of them were not on purpose, and there is an 8 minute scene of him digging into the dirt with a gardening tool. And as if it was not dumb enough already, at it’s merciful end, Cowell outsmarts the local killer by having a running handheld camera trained on him as if it were some kind of magic spell.

I cannot believe I watched this whole thing, as it is truly one of the worst movies ever and is in my elite pantheon of awful