Hellraiser: Revelations: D-

When will people learn that putting “revelations” after your movie title will not generate mystique for your piece of GARBAGE? There aren’t even any fucking revelations in this movie!
Two bros (Nico and Steve) from upper-middle class suburbia head to Mexico to abandon their unfulfilling lives of privilege, drink brewskis, and to see a donkey show. Instead, they find the Hellraiser puzzle box and force the audience to watch half of the film through the perspective of their shitty handi-cam that they took with them on their road trip. Both bros are subjected to the extradimensional erotic torture of the cenobites who are led by a Pinhead who has three chins and looks about as scary as a substitute teacher. In between dimensions, the pair slaughter hookers in Mexico for a while, including a Filipino girl who might be 13 in real life. One of the bros betrays the other in a “twist” that is so predictable it will somehow make your dick hurt. Or fallopian tubes or whatever.

Back in America, Steve’s sister is molesting the puzzle box (who cares how she got it), summoning a now demonized Nico (disguised as Steve; how? Shut up) to his parents’ house just in time to interrupt a swanky dinner party and torment both bros’ families. Nonsensical Scooby-Doo-esque panic ensues while the yuppies attempt to get to the bottom of the boy’s strange return. The phone malfunctions, the cars disappear, and the viewer suffers through soap opera acting and absolutely nothing even close to being scary or interesting.

Forget about emergency cell phone calls or the internet or anything else based in logic as you watch this movie. The stranded family begins to learn the truth and finally, the cenobites appear and murder/meat-hook people. I counted three faces being ripped off, one throat being ripped off, two faces getting hooked, a shotgun to the guts, and four off-screen implied kills. I’m not counting any of the stuff we saw in handi-cam vision because it looked how you would expect Blair Witch 5 to look and was a pathetic grope of the “found footage” trend.

The film was supposedly made in two weeks, but I would believe you if you told me two days. Once again, saved from a UV because of how amusingly pathetic it is.