REVIEW: Jack Frost (1996)


Jack Frost – review  Grade:  A+ for fans of raping snowmen; F- for everybody else
Did you, like many people, enjoy seeing Shannon Elizabeth’s tits in American Pie? Did you, like even more people, think to yourself, “I am liking these tits, but I’m really curious as to what her ass looks like”? If you’re one of those people, and you’re too stupid to find her nude pics online, then Jack Frost will fill your spank bank full of images of her derriere, so long as a rapist snowman doesn’t nullify your boner.
I’m assuming that this Jack Frost is a sequel to the Jack Frost starring Michael Keaton, which I understood to be some sort of heartwarming, family film where a dead dad comes back as a snowman. Obviously, between this film and the last, he realized that he’s a FUCKING SNOWMAN and there’s no reason for him to follow any sort of moral code that’s been hardwired into normal homo sapiens over the course of thousands of years of evolution.
If you like snowmen, you’ll like this movie. If you think that snowmen are boring and they’d be more interesting if they murdered and raped, then you’ll LOVE this movie.
There were rumors that there was going to be a team-up/versus movie featuring Jack Frost and Ron Howard’s brother’s character from Ice Cream Man. That would have been awesome, as it no doubt would have been ripe for all sorts of metaphors instead of this string of predictably lame murders which are different from other movies with murderers because it’s a snowman doing the murders instead of a guy with some sort of mask and/or unconventional weapon. I should also point out that by “rumors” I mean “shit I just made up”.
As for me? I was kinda bored by it. What do you want from me? I saw it a hella long time ago. I had to read the fuckin’ Wikipedia article just to remember that he’s defeated with antifreeze. Oops. Should I have put a spoiler alert before that?  Fuck this movie and fuck you, too.

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