Author Archives: Bleeding Richards

REVIEW: Paranormal Activity 2 (2010)

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Paranormal Activity 2: B

Have you checked out the trailer for that Jurassic Park sequel, Jurassic World? Holy shit, man, they’re finally taking it to the next level! You don’t just have a theme park in the making, you have a functioning theme park with tons of visitors (read: more victims). You’ve got some big-ass prehistoric Hainosaurus (which is not technically a dinosaur, learn your paleontology, son). You’ve got some sort of genetically-altered super smartass dinosaur. You’ve also got tame velociraptors.

Yeah, I know, that might sound strange. How can you tame a velociraptor? Well, do you own a dog? Check this shit out: that motherfucker is really a wolf! I shit you not. Genetically speaking, it’s a direct cousin of that fuckin’ beast that ate up Little Red Riding Hood’s stupid bitch of a grandma. And you own it. And you pet it. And you pick up its shit.

Oh, but Richard, you’re saying, that took like, what, ten thousand years for wolves to become dogs! This new Jurassic Park movie doesn’t take place that far into the future! Well, asshole, maybe you might want to use the Google and read up on the domesticated silver fox. It was an experiment done in the former Soviet Union where they selectively bred foxes for tameness, and you basically went from vicious little beasts to pet foxes in just a few generations! Now apply that same shit to velociraptors. It’s been proven (in the first Jurassic Park movie) that those bastards can figure out how to open a door, and that’s when they’re at peak wildness. How many wolves do you know that can open doors? What, like maybe a few of them, at best? I believe I’ve made my point here.

By the time you’re reading this, the movie may have already come out and it might suck a dirty piece of ass. But that’s not my point. My point is that it did something different with the same concept.

Paranormal Activity 2 is basically the same movie as the first one, only it adds a little twist to the end. It’s not as impressive as having HD cameras in the 1980s like the third movie does, but if you liked the first, you’ll like this shit too. If you hated the first, nothing’s gonna change your mind. Me? I liked it. Wasn’t bored for a minute.

But I’m still craving for some kind of an interesting twist to the whole ghost/demon thing. Maybe in the (what are they on now?) next installment, we could learn that the demon is really the hero, and these stupid people have been doing all kinds of fucked up stuff when the cameras were off that we weren’t privy to in the first few movies. Like maybe they were screaming his name while masturbating, and when he’d show up to help them, they’d just laugh and continue to pleasure themselves.

REVIEW: The Passion of the Christ (2004)

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The Passion of the Christ: B+

While Bloodcrypt’s primary purpose has always been to provide a safe haven for closeted gay politicians to meet up with hairy bi-curious traveling salesmen, we sometimes like to post reviews of horror films. And one of the best things about reviewing movies is that sometimes you get to bring an obscure little movie to the attention of a wider audience.

While it certainly got lost in the shuffle of movies like Saw and Saw II, along with Saw III, Saw IV, Saw V part 3, and Saw: Look Who’s Sawing Too, a lot of fans of the “torture porn” genre would appreciate a film like The Passion of the Christ. It has everything you want in a film from this genre: beatings, blood, more beatings, nails through body parts, and Aramaic.

What sets this film apart is that it makes it a period piece. It all takes place in some obscure backwater territory of the Roman Empire during the reign of Emperor Nero. The primary victim is some guy named Josh or something (it’s been a while since I’ve seen it) and he’s being tortured under the order of Pontius Pilot. (What’s frustrating about the movie is that you never get to see what kind of a plane Pilot flies.) The tricky thing is, Pilot’s not all that into it, and he even does some sort of symbolic thing where he cleans his hands or some shit. I’m not sure what that’s all supposed to mean. But the point is it’s a bunch of bearded Druids (or something) who want the Josh guy dead. Why do they want him dead? It’s not clear. He seems like he’s pretty cool. Maybe it’s because they’re jealous.

Those of you who are expecting something along the lines of I Spit on Your Grave or its remake, known as I Spit on Your Grave, might be disappointed. Yeah, you watch as Josh gets beaten into a pulp. There’s even a part where they whip him, and the whip has little spikes in it which tear his skin off. When the beatings are done, they stick him way up in a tree next to a couple of other guys who are put up in other trees. (Why were they beaten? I dunno, but I think that this movie demands a prequel!) When all that’s done, you expect Josh to finally find his way off of it and deliver some payback. Well, I don’t want to spoil it for you, but they imply a lot more than they show, if you know what I mean.

Not only does this movie deliver the thrills while instructing the audience on an often-overlooked piece of history, but what really makes it great is that since Josh is Jewish, it really turns into a tribute to the Jewish people. The director, Mel Gibson, himself a Jew, clearly wanted to pay tribute to the culture of those who have been responsible for so much of what’s great about American entertainment, and he really delivers with this one.

REVIEW: Compliance (2012)

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Compliance: B+

When I was a teenager, I used to make prank calls with my friends. We used to convince people of all kinds of crazy stuff. We had one really elaborate one that involved calling Denny’s and telling them that we were driving the pancake batter truck.

Before I go on, let that sink into your head.

Pancake.

Batter.

Truck.

Got it? Okay, so then we’d tell them that the truck crashed and there was pancake batter all over the road. One time, we even told them that the hot pavement turned it all into one giant pancake, and that pancake was blocking holiday traffic.

The best thing about these calls? We never had to struggle to get people to believe what we were saying. The argument would always come from us telling some poor assistant manager that they had to send somebody down to clean the stuff up. Nobody ever just hung up and told us that we were being stupid; instead, they’d argue that they couldn’t afford to send somebody down. Also, they’d get confused with the imprecise directions we’d give, as we always told them that it crashed on “the freeway near there” and would only repeat those directions in an annoyed, condescending manner when they questioned it.

What do pancake batter trucks have to do with this movie? Nothing. However, when you’re watching it, you might find it implausible that a simple prank caller can get people to do all kinds of stupid, twisted stuff. When that thought enters your head, think of two things: 1) this is a true story and the basic setup happened more than once, and 2) pancake batter trucks.

The point is, people are stupid. When I was a kid, I thought it was funny to get people to believe that there was a big pancake on the road. This movie taught me what I could do if I didn’t have a conscience, and I thought it would be amusing to get people to violate a young woman.

When you watch this, you’ll yell at the TV and want to find all of the real-life people that this was based on so you can beat the shit out of them – except for the victim, she’s already been through enough. I think I got a lead on one of those fuckers. Want to join me in busting some heads? I can pick you up in my pancake batter truck.

REVIEW: The Battery (2012)

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The Battery:  D

The Battery offers three new twists on the zombie genre:

1. It gives us zombies that are so fucking slow and incompetent that you figure that the human race really deserved this shit.

2. It settles, once and for all, just how nice a zombie’s tits could possibly be.

3. It lets us know that surviving the zombie apocalypse would mostly consist of being bored. It does this by boring the shit out of you. Seriously, you really feel the tediousness.

Basically, it’s about a couple of dumb fucking guys who go from place to place looking for food and supplies so they can survive. They talk about stupid, uninteresting shit. They find a walkie-talkie, and they hear some other survivors talking on them. The other people want nothing to do with them. One of the dumbfucks wants to keep trying, and he winds up talking to some girl who’s supposedly part of some colony of survivors. Nothing interesting develops from this subplot. You see the dick of one of the guys. Oh yeah, his balls too. The penis is flaccid.

There are enough good ideas to sustain a 101 minute movie here, but instead of doing something with those ideas, we get the two guys stuck in a car for a really long-ass time.

Here’s how you know when a movie is just wasting time with shit: I saw this movie with several of my Bloodcrypt Brothers. Quite often, one of us would get up to piss, shit, get a drink, or buttfuck a hobo, and when he’d come back, nobody would have to fill him in on what he missed, ‘cause all he missed was time being wasted. One of us, and I’m not saying for sure that it was Dr. Loomis, could have had time to cuddle that poor hobo a bit, but he stupidly hurried, not even giving the bum a reacharound, because he thought he was going to miss something. I probably wouldn’t mind if he didn’t squeeze his secondary cum out into my beer. At least, I wouldn’t mind it if it tasted better.

Oh, and the ending is ambiguous. Sometimes movies do this and it’s cool because it makes you think. Sometimes it happens because they didn’t have any fucking clue how to end it. Guess what the case is with this one?

Come to think of it; I’m not sure how to end this review. Maybe I’ll…

REVIEW: Monsters University (2013)

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Monsters University:  A

You know that scene in The Silence of the Lambs where Jodi Foster and a bunch of guys check out the dead body of one of Buffalo Bill’s victims?  Remember how they put some sort of white stuff under their noses, presumably to mask the smell of rotting flesh?  Well, before you go see Monsters University, find out what that stuff is and rub a ton of it under your nose, ’cause you’re gonna need it.  Why?  Because everybody in the theater, to a person, will shit himself or herself in absolute terror, and you don’t want to smell that, because then you’d probably barf, and then you’d also have to deal with the smell of barf.  You might also want to look into getting some adult diapers, but that depends on your tolerance of how much shit can be in your pants.

This isn’t terrifying in your usual horror movie fashion.  It’s not about sudden shocks and gore.  It’s just that it creates a very real, plausible explanation as to why we are frightened.  If there are monsters, then why is the evidence of them so scarce?  It’s because they live in a different dimension, and they only come into ours for the sole purpose of scaring us.

Their devotion to frightening people is so fervent that they even have educational institutions that promote the psychological torment of the human race.  And what’s worse, they deliberately go for the children.  As a parent, I can tell you that I seethed with anger when I was watching this.  Isn’t it bad enough that I have Michelle Obama trying to tell my kid what to eat?  Do I really need monsters giving them psychological trauma?

The story follows one monster, a gruesome cyclopian ball named Mike, as he goes through a program to learn how to be a “scarer”, while the whole time he is casually indifferent to the plight of the children he hopes to permanently damage.  Why is his name something so simple like Mike?  To remind us of the banality of evil.

I only recommend this movie if you can completely separate yourself from what the fictional, although completely believable, world that’s created.  Whatever you do, don’t be like the morons who brought their kids to see this.  Seriously, there was a two-year-old sitting right next to me.  He was so disturbed by it that he called me “Daddy”.  Sure, he looked like he was really entertained by it, and so did the adults, but I know the truth.

REVIEW: World War Z (2013)

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World-War-Z
Grade: B

 

I was sitting in the theater about to watch Tyler Durden take on some zombies when some asshole had to go and tell me that this movie was based on a book. A book? About zombies? That’s about all I wanted to hear, because I hate it when you have to listen to somebody who also read the book after you just watched a movie. They love to tell you all about how the “book was better” and “the book did X differently”. It’s like they’re bragging ’cause they’re reading, but little do they know that all that makes them is a bunch of fuckin’ nerds.

So, I don’t know nuttin’ about no book readin’, but I do know a thing or two about zombie movies. Maybe one day I’ll get around to reviewing some of the classic ones, but right now, you’re going to have to settle for this. Basically, this one doesn’t give us too much that’s different. They’re fast zombies, which we’ve seen in 28 Days Later and the remake of Dawn of the Dead. They seem to have a scientific/natural cause, as the scientific method is what’s used to beat them. Also, the entire planet has been taken over by them, which is pretty typical.

 
What’s different with this one is that there’s a bit of a sense of hope at the end, whereas zombie movies usually leave you thinking: “Yeah, the good guys got out of that scrape, but they’re gonna be dead tomorrow.” It’s not like this movie ends with the zombies and the humans walking hand-in-hand, as they’ve gotta leave some room for a sequel, so you’re thinking: “You might survive the next day, but man, it’s gonna be pretty damned tough.” Am I giving away too much for those of you who get all butt-hurt about spoilers? I hope not, but if I did, feel free to lick my butt.

There are also some pretty cool visuals in this one, and the cgi is done well. This is probably the first time I’ve seen a zombie movie where I can totally buy how quickly it spreads. A lot of times, you get thrown into the action after the really bad stuff has gone down, but you actually get to see it all descending into mayhem – a couple of times, actually.

Gore-fans are going to be disappointed, as the PG-13 rating makes this more of an action film than a horror film. You see more grotesque stuff in the average episode of The Walking Dead than you see in this entire movie. There are a few good “gotcha!” moments though, and it’s all pretty danged entertaining. The nearly-two hour run time whooshes by like one of them running zombies.

REVIEW: Boa vs. Python (2004)

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Boa Vs. Python: C

You thought it was pretty cool when The Avengers took characters from various franchises and put them all together in one movie?  I bet you did think that.  Well, let me tell you something.  You’re a stupid-ass.  Why?  Lots of reasons, probably, but the key one being that it had been done nearly a decade before!

That’s right.  Remember the sublime Boa from 2001 and the transcendent Python from 2000?  Of course you do.  Those were your favorite movies.  You never imagined in your wildest dreams that Boa Vs. Python would ever happen.  In fact, you were so certain that such a thing could not be that you subconsciously blocked its release from your memory.  You made absolutely no note of this, thinking that you couldn’t handle something that would make your face split open with mind-blowing, jizz-inducing, herpe-tainment.

So, you’re welcome, as I’m happy to remind you of what’s probably the best crossover one could have possibly made with this concept.  “But Dick,” you’re saying, “What if I haven’t seen either of the two previous films?”  Don’t worry yourself, as I was able to follow it just fine.  I don’t even recall any references to the previous two movies.  Exposition fans will not be disappointed though, as the script is sure to provide us with a scientist who explains the shit out of whatever’s happening.

This is an entertaining film to watch with a bunch of friends where you mock the dialogue and cheesy special effects.  If you watch it by yourself, you’ll realize that your life must be pretty empty, and you’ll probably shoot yourself before the end credits roll.

One thing that’s worth mentioning is a totally gratuitous nude scene with Angel Boris.  We get to see her take a bath, so it’s instructional for those who don’t understand the process.  Since she was a Playboy Playmate, she’s a professional naked-getter.  It’s not like those movies where some girl just takes her shoes off and goes, “I’m naked!”  Ms. Boris actually takes all of her clothes off, as only a true pro could do.

REVIEW: Macbeth (1971)

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Macbeth (1971): B

This flick happens to be a remake of a 1948 film starring Citizen Kane. It’s about a Scottish guy named Lennox who kisses whoever’s ass is necessary in order to get ahead in life. At first he hitches his horse to the wrong wagon, like a fuck-head, and helps out a traitor who kills the king. He then gets his shit in gear and decides to fight for the rightful heir to the throne, Malcolm X.

That said, this was still a pretty competent slasher movie. While I’ve seen much gorier movies, this one features: a brutal stabbing of an old guy who’s trying to sleep, a dude getting an ax in his back (only to have him come back as a ghost who bleeds like a fat guy in a sauna sweats), a little kid getting stabbed, a guy getting a sword shoved up through the kidney and out his shoulder, a C-section, and finally a decapitation. That’s not too shabby. It also has a pretty good story to it, as there’s a dude who really wants to be king, but he’s just not the kind of guy to kill to get ahead. Lucky for us his crazy bitch of a wife pussy whips him into doing it, ’cause I guess she’s ashamed of him for just being a “thane”, whatever that is. Don’t worry, she gets hers.

The dialogue is pretty interesting, to say the least. It kinda reminds me of what you hear in the King James Bible or some shit like that. The characters use all kinds of comparisons to this and that, funky-ass word orders, and classical allusions. Not sure what was up with that, but it worked.

There’s also a lot of nudity in this one, but you’ll probably wish you hadn’t seen it. The title character goes to talk to some witches, and they’re all nekked. But they’re not sexy young witches, they’re hella old and out of shape. You start to worry that they’re going to rub themselves all over him. Don’t get me wrong. It’d totally do each and every one of them, but I wouldn’t go bragging about it afterward like I did that time I knocked up that lady who lives behind the dumpster. That’s right. Two of those kids are mine. What’s she gonna do? She can barely string together a sentence, much less sue me for child support.