Paranormal Activity 3, Grade C-

Want to see a movie that’s pretty much the same thing as a couple of other movies? Have I got one for you. “Oh, but Dick, this one answers some of the mysteries from the previous two installments!” Fuck all that shit, ’cause it don’t. At least, it doesn’t answer anything that probably wasn’t written by some zit-faced teenager who was writing Paranormal Activity fan fiction after feeling like he needed to do something “normal” after writing for the Erotic Digimon Fan Fiction forum.

Yeah, that’s right. There’s erotic fan fiction. For Digimon. And now you wanna google that shit, and it will be a waste of your life, but it will reveal more surprises than this tired retread ever will. If you choose the path of PA3, you’ll wind up wishing that you were jacking off to that fan fiction, unless you’re some kind of high class pervert who would only be interested in erotic X-Files fan fiction that features Scully in a classy, yet rich with details, lesbian love scene with some stupid alien whore who turns out to have been coming down to the Earth for thousands of years, and the Greeks used to know her as Athena.

So yeah, everything you figured out in your head as to what happened before the first two movies, which were pretty entertaining, is pretty much what happened. When are we ever going to learn shit from the demon’s point of view? Why does he like to knock shit over? Why do that whole “ghost” bit where he wears a fucking sheet? What’s his motivation? Could he have chomped that one dude’s dick off rather than just give him a stupid scratch?

And why does he always wind up killing the person he’s scaring by the end? Why wait it out? Is he like a cat playing with a mouse? Or is it all part of some bureaucracy that will get him that big promotion in the army of Satan when the Battle for Armageddon happens? And why doesn’t he just say to Satan: “Fuck this shit, yo! I know your stupid ass is gonna lose, bitch. It says so in The Bible, which is the inerrant word of God! Why do you even bother with this shit? Damn, come to think of it, why do I bother with this shit? The Lord is going to cast me into the abyss eventually. Everything else is just a fucking game until then.”

“Oh my God. What have I done?”

And then Jesus is going to have to forgive him, ’cause that’s what He does. Then by the time we get to Paranormal Activity 13 it can all be about an evangelical demon who proselytizes to the minions of hell, and he’s like, totally annoying and shit.

I recommend this movie if you haven’t seen the other two. Or if you haven’t seen movies.