REVIEW: Elves (1989)

elves

Elves (1989): C-

I really wrote a longer review for this because I’d like to officially be the person who has written the most about Elves on the internet. After about 2 minutes of research, I think I am. I finally accomplished something.

Like most Christmas films, this movie follows the story of a few close friends and their inadvertent involvement in a neo-Nazi plot for world domination. Turns out, Hitler didn’t really want a blond, blue-eyed master race. He actually envisioned a world populated by elf-human hybrids. And just to be clear, the elves we get in the movie are not Aryan-looking sexy elves like Legolas; the elves in this movie are monsters that look like a mixture of Gremlins who eat after midnight and the monster that Shatner saw fucking up the plane in The Twilight Zone. Actually, there aren’t any elves. There is just a single elf. He materializes when a young girl named Kristen spills her blood in the woods on Christmas.

Kristen has the misfortune of being the last pure-blooded Aryan virgin in the world who accidentally takes place in a Satanic blood-ceremony on Christmas. She also has a Nazi grandpa who, through some Nazi-encouraged incest, is also her dad. Don’t ask me why this was a straight-to-VHS release that never got pressed to DVD. It’s like a Days of Our Lives meets Critters Christmas special with R-rated gore and incest. Jeez, the acting is rough too; I’ve seen better stuff on those mattress commercials where some lady cringes and rubs her hunched back for a while because she has been sleeping on an inferior mattress.

The elf who was summoned during the accidental blood-ritual (these things happen) murders a Santa at the mall and an alcoholic, freshly evicted (from the trailer park) Grizzly Adams becomes the new Santa. See, every cloud has a silver lining. There is a great scene where he brushes his teeth while holding a cigarette, taking a shot right after, so you know what kind of a dude he is. No one is going to believe this poor bastard once the elf-Nazi shit hits the elf-Nazi fan.

Some pretty boring and sometimes mildly amusing stuff happens. There are some elf shenanigans punctuating the characters’ feeble attempts to comprehend this fucking mess of a back story. I don’t get how they do it, but Grizz and Kristen figure out what’s going on and they team up with her incest (grand)father, who is now a good Nazi, to battle the elf and  the bad Nazis. The bad Nazis want the elf and Kristen to bone and have a baby so they can use the offspring to start that elf-human hybrid world domination thing. The bad Nazis and Elf lose but there is a closing shot of an Elf fetus just in case you felt like you knew what was going on for a second.

I bet if they made a sequel to this movie today, it would be about “terrorists” trying to get the girl to make an elf-“terrorist” baby so they could populate the world with elf-“terrorist” hybrids. Then a bunch of people would see the movie and claim that it’s a war on Christmas or something and then certain theaters wouldn’t carry it and they would probably just have to release it on VHS because most of the people who would want to see it are the same people who still watch VHS movies like the original Nazi-based Elves who were also hoping for some closure from the whole fetus thing. Plus, they would probably release the original Elves on DVD to get people excited about Elves 2: Elf-“Terrorist”. So, I guess it’s a good idea that there are no plans to make a sequel. I dunno. I just confused myself.

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