REVIEW: The Swarm (1978)

Swarm

The Swarm-C-

Would you like to see a movie that is mostly just Michael Caine in a leisure suit yelling at people while he tries to bang that Stepford Wives lady? And bees are killing Texans? And it’s 2hrs and 35minutes long? And that homosexual guy from Shogun plays the skeptical bearded doctor? And then the Air Force sets the ocean on fire? Doesn’t that sound awesome?

Well, get ready to scratch your heads because they already made that movie and it sucks. This is the movie Michael Caine himself calls his worst movie.

I know what you’re thinking-what the fuck does Michael Caine know about movies? He’ll be in anything.

But in this case, he couldn’t be more right. This movie is worse than Jaws: This Time It’s Personal or whatever that was. It’s also not as funny as Blame It On Rio and has less boobs. The humor is mainly lacking in that it’s about African Bees invading Texas and none of those pig-fucking Texans’ deaths are played for laughs. If they had made the exact same movie but with the Bee attacks in fast motion and set to Banjo music….hell, you could call me a fan. But no one has the strength of vision to push it all the way any more.

There are some cool bee-poison hallucinations and bee’s-eye-view special effects. There’s also a shot of a real bee sitting on a leaf looking at the humans and -I shit you not-the bee actually somehow looks shifty-eyed and sneaky. Great casting and direction.

But everything else sucks, except for Michael Caine and Dr. Shogun. There’s not even a Queen Bee to fight at the end.

Basically a rip off of The Birds with bees instead of birds, which sets up an obvious franchise-merging sequel to both called “The Birds and the Bees”. I just thought of that idea right now. ©The Saddest Clown in the World 2013.

I’m in the book, Hollywood.

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