Macbeth (1971): B

This flick happens to be a remake of a 1948 film starring Citizen Kane. It’s about a Scottish guy named Lennox who kisses whoever’s ass is necessary in order to get ahead in life. At first he hitches his horse to the wrong wagon, like a fuck-head, and helps out a traitor who kills the king. He then gets his shit in gear and decides to fight for the rightful heir to the throne, Malcolm X.

That said, this was still a pretty competent slasher movie. While I’ve seen much gorier movies, this one features: a brutal stabbing of an old guy who’s trying to sleep, a dude getting an ax in his back (only to have him come back as a ghost who bleeds like a fat guy in a sauna sweats), a little kid getting stabbed, a guy getting a sword shoved up through the kidney and out his shoulder, a C-section, and finally a decapitation. That’s not too shabby. It also has a pretty good story to it, as there’s a dude who really wants to be king, but he’s just not the kind of guy to kill to get ahead. Lucky for us his crazy bitch of a wife pussy whips him into doing it, ’cause I guess she’s ashamed of him for just being a “thane”, whatever that is. Don’t worry, she gets hers.

The dialogue is pretty interesting, to say the least. It kinda reminds me of what you hear in the King James Bible or some shit like that. The characters use all kinds of comparisons to this and that, funky-ass word orders, and classical allusions. Not sure what was up with that, but it worked.

There’s also a lot of nudity in this one, but you’ll probably wish you hadn’t seen it. The title character goes to talk to some witches, and they’re all nekked. But they’re not sexy young witches, they’re hella old and out of shape. You start to worry that they’re going to rub themselves all over him. Don’t get me wrong. It’d totally do each and every one of them, but I wouldn’t go bragging about it afterward like I did that time I knocked up that lady who lives behind the dumpster. That’s right. Two of those kids are mine. What’s she gonna do? She can barely string together a sentence, much less sue me for child support.