REVIEW: Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters (2013)

Hansel-and-Gretel

 

Hansel and Gretel Witch Hunters: F

I wasn’t expecting much from this movie, but what I got exceeded even my expectations of awful.

Let’s start with the 3D. There was no reason for it to exist. There were probably like 7 shots in the movie for which 3D was used and it all was scraps of wood or stone flying at you after some CGI explosion.

Secondly, the plot and character development were about as thin as tracing paper. The reason H and G are killing witches is given like 11 seconds of attention, and outside of a brief explanation at the end you have no idea why they have some of their powers.

Third, the weapons they use are fuckin ridiculous. I thought for like the first 15 minutes of the movie that H and G were from the future or some shit, but it turns out they just have weapons that don’t exist yet for some unexplainable reason.

Hansel had diabetes from eating too much candy at the witches house when he was a kid. NOT A FUCKING JOKE. And it really became a key plot device. His diabetes played a central role in developing him as a character, explaining his relationship to his sister, and was woven seamlessly into future conflicts that helped add drama and tension…..

SIKE! NOT AT ALL!!!!! THERE WAS NO REASON FOR HIM TO HAVE DIABETES!!!! IT ADDED NOTHING TO THE MOVIE!!!!!

The action scenes were all right, the movie had no down-time and at least they wrapped up this shit fest in like 86 minutes, but the rest of the movie was so poorly developed that I can not give it higher then an “F.”

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