REVIEW: Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters (2013)

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Hansel and Gretel Witch Hunters: F

I wasn’t expecting much from this movie, but what I got exceeded even my expectations of awful.

Let’s start with the 3D. There was no reason for it to exist. There were probably like 7 shots in the movie for which 3D was used and it all was scraps of wood or stone flying at you after some CGI explosion.

Secondly, the plot and character development were about as thin as tracing paper. The reason H and G are killing witches is given like 11 seconds of attention, and outside of a brief explanation at the end you have no idea why they have some of their powers.

Third, the weapons they use are fuckin ridiculous. I thought for like the first 15 minutes of the movie that H and G were from the future or some shit, but it turns out they just have weapons that don’t exist yet for some unexplainable reason.

Hansel had diabetes from eating too much candy at the witches house when he was a kid. NOT A FUCKING JOKE.¬†And it really became a key plot device. His diabetes played a central role in developing him as a character, explaining his relationship to his sister, and was woven seamlessly into future conflicts that helped add drama and tension…..

SIKE! NOT AT ALL!!!!! THERE WAS NO REASON FOR HIM TO HAVE DIABETES!!!! IT ADDED NOTHING TO THE MOVIE!!!!!

The action scenes were all right, the movie had no down-time and at least they wrapped up this shit fest in like 86 minutes, but the rest of the movie was so poorly developed that I can not give it higher then an “F.”

REVIEW: Wrong Turn 5 (2012)

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Wrong Turn 5: D+

I saw the first two films in this series and they were not bad, in fact I would say the first one is down right good. However, I was unaware that they even made a 3rd or 4th but I figured the story would not be affected at all if I hopped right in to the 5th installment and I was right.

Basically it is the same fuckin story as the rest. Five idiots that you hate show up for a festival in a small West Virginia town to sell their pot and shrooms. After a run in with the father of the pack of freaks (Doug Bradley) they then get arrested by the local sheriffs and all booked in jail. After this, Bradley’s kids, the deformed freaks, come after him and murder all those in their way.

The kills are creative including the use of a brazen bull, a lawnmower to the face, and the torture rack, but the makeup was awful as you could clearly see the masks the freaks were wearing. Doug Bradley was the best part of the movie which should tell you all you need to know.

 

REVIEW: Monster Brawl (2011)

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Monster Brawl: C-

This splat-stick wannabe Mortal Kombat movie dredges the the floors of Hollywood and brings up such cinematic legends Jimmy Hart, Kevin Nash, and Kurrgan.

Basically, a pair of wannabe commentators call a tournament that decides the World Heavyweight Champion of monsters. The format is a single elimination fight to the death, and all of the faves are there from Frankenstein to the Wolfman to Swampthing (“Swampgut”). Each combatant enters the ring and they have a pro wrestling match until one monster uses a foreign object or a special power to kill the other.

Jimmy Hart is the ring announcer and is flanked by 2 hot babes, and watching them sluttily smile, and wink was easily the best part of the movie. Lance Henrickson was given top billing on the cover, but he is literally not in the movie. All he does is a voice-over with random comments during the matches. He says shit like “discombobulating” or “tremendous” after high impact moves. It was a shameless rip off of Shao Kahn from Mortal Kombat.

Overall it was entertaining, the fights were mediocre to above average, and we got to mock several B level celebrities while watching.

REVIEW: Pumpkinhead 4: Blood Feud (2007)

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Pumpkin Head 4 – Blood Feud: D

20 years after the original graced audiences with it’s campy presence, Pumpkinhead is back to exact revenge for another hate filled young man. The movie starts off generically enough as two guys on motorcycles are running from Pumpkinhead only to be trapped in a cabin. In this cabin they meet the man who called Pumpkinhead back to earth from hell, and we learn that the only way to kill Pumpkinhead is to kill the vessel which brought him to earth. This obviously becomes a key point later in the film, but we also get to meet Ed Harley (Lance Henrikson) who pops in throughout the movie to explain to the audience the internal logic of Pumpkinhead and how to kill it.

In the next scene we flash forward five years which seems strange given that the types of cars driven and the fashion sense on the people on screen would make me believe that we flashed back to the early eighties instead. Anyway we pick up in the midst of a feud between the Hatfield’s and the McCoy’s (Literally. That is how unoriginal they are), and the McCoy’s end up killing one of the teenage Hatfield sisters. Well this pisses off older brother Hatfield so he calls forward Pumpkinhead to exact revenge, despite the pleas of Lance Henrikson and his melted face.

From here we get people from LA providing the worst fake southern accents I have heard in a while, and Lance Henrkison looking like melted candle in his 4 minutes of screen time. The Pumpkinhead monster alternated between looking like a claymation puppet from a 60′ sci fi movie, and a mediocre beast formed out of paper mache. The kills are many and are well done considering how stupid Pumpkinhead looks, and the plot moved at a decent enough pace to keep the viewer interested between Pumpkinhead related maulings.

If you are a follower of the series or some kind of bizarre Lance Henrikson fan it is worth a watch.

REVIEW: Stitches (2012)

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Stitches (2012): B+

This is why I watch bundles of horror movies, to find diamonds in the rough that surprise with a good story, good gore and and at least average acting.

Stitches is an overweight alcoholic clown that despises children and lives in a trailer on the outskirts of Ireland. At Tommy’s 11th birthday party Stitches is being tormented by a group of snotty children who eventually end up killing him when they tie his shoelaces together and he face plants onto a knife. Later that evening Tommy is spying on the graveyard with his telescope and he sees a group of clowns laying stitches to rest. It is here where we learn the great secret: no clown can rest peacefully if he does not finish a party! Flash forward 6 years and Tommy and the rest of the brats are in high school getting ready for a party at Tommy’s house. It is here where Stitches gets his revenge as he hunts down the kids who tormented him one by one.

This movie has everything you could ask for in a low budget horror film. The killer’s motivation makes sense and is not too far fetched. The victims are at a centralized location and there is an abundance of fresh meat. The kills are violent, evenly spaced, and unique. Examples include a guy getting his head soccer kicked off, and a kid getting his brains scooped out with an ice cream scooper. Most importantly however, the movie had a good pace. Most low budget horror films have way too much filler and down time. Stitches kept moving and kept the viewer engrossed throughout the film.

Recommended if your looking for a really good, unique horror film.

REVIEW: Bunnyman (2011)

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Bunnyman: F-

Horror movies with a man in a bunny suit as a killer have an un-illustrious past to say the least with 2004’s Peter Rottentale being the medium’s one and only low light. Bunny Man proudly carries on Rottentale’s tainted legacy by putting on another shameful display of all that is wrong with modern low budget horror.

Basically five idiots are driving down a road when they start getting stalked by Bunny Man who is driving his big tow truck a la Jeepers Creepers. Eventually he steers them off the road where they crash and then they are forced to wander the forest while Bunny Man hunts them down. The group shifts from location to location meeting various local rednecks and having inane conversations with them which cumulatively drives the plot no where. Eventually they meet a girl and her brother who offer them help, but in reality are Bunny Man’s twisted family who are merely bringing them to the cabin to cannibalize them. From there nothing more then a shameless Texas Chainsaw Massacre rip off ensues with some of the worst kills I have ever seen including a car falling on a guy an having gravy leak out of the sides. However most kills are simply blunt force trauma that is covered up, or actualized by throwing blood on a wall.

This movie literally has no plot. None of the characters are given a back story or motivation and none of them are properly introduced or even have generic horror movie roles such as the jock or the bimbo. I think the fuckers who directed this just were like “hey how cool and weird would it be if their was a killer in a bunny suit who lives with a cannibal family” then made a shitty movie around that flawed premise.

Fuck whoever made this and the fact that this shit fest has a sequel already is grounds for a beating.

REVIEW: Death From Above (2011)

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Death From Above: F+

Professional wrestling is a tough sport that basically chews up people and spits them out once they become ineffective and outdated. Nowhere is that harsh reality more on display then in the new Kurt Angle / Sid Vicious foray into cinema. Kurt Angle plays an average everyday hick who stumbles upon an ancient tablet and once he reads it he becomes possessed by some centuries old spirit. I made the comment during the film that Kurt Angle looks like he was legitimately drunk during the filming and, lo and behold, it was brought to my attention that he has been arrested twice for DUI’s in the last 12 months. Regardless, the drunk and pilled-out Angle the starts stalking some other local hick who holds an ancient amulet he wears as a necklace, because Angle needs this piece to bring the master of evil into our world. This local hick is played by James “Wildcat” Thompson of TNA fame and his buddy is Matt Morgan of WWE fame circa 2005.

Throughout this shit-fest we get about 7 minutes of Monster Truck stock footage, about 4 seconds of mud covered breasts from chubby local strippers, Angle killing Tom Savini and former WWE and ECW wrestler Rhino, and some of the most low budget kills ever put to film.

Kurt Angle does not change his baggy jeans, or black shirt the entire film, and looks about as bad as one could look while still being functional. The conclusion of this film is also fucking awful; as Angle is trying to kill the Wildcat, Sid Vicious appears for his 28 seconds of screen time and while you would expect an awesome fight between the ring legends, all you get is Vicious pulling out a rubber lizard from Angle’s throat and then stepping on it. This film is like a metaphor for Angle’s career post WWE; a fucking downward trajectory.

If I were to hear that Angle died in the next 6 months ,I would not be shocked in any conceivable capacity.

REVIEW: Midnight Movie (2008)

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Midnight Movie: B-

Pretty solid indie horror flick about a group of teens who are watching a rare horror movie in an empty theater who get picked off one by one by a tall guy in a weak mask with a limp. Basically eight generic horror movie teens are watching a forbidden horror movie when one of them gets up to go to the bathroom and then all of the sudden he is seen on the theater screen getting killed by the killer in the actual horror movie. At first they think is just some psycho copy cat killer , but after strange events start happening they realize they are trapped inside the movie. That plot point was pretty weak and was pretty unnecessary and over all detracted from the movie.

The gore was a little above average, the girls were hot (forget it if you are hoping for nudity) and the killer was kind of stupid looking. He also used one of the dumbest weapons in slasher history.