Blood Orgy of the She-Devils (1974): UV
Oh, wow! The title is awesome! What could go wrong with this movie? I’ll tell you exactly what could go wrong and it is going to be too fucking easy to do so.
First of all: There’s no Blood Orgy. The movie is rated PG, something I noticed on the VHS sleeve after viewing the film. The entire thing is just some idiots in a haunted house in California where a sorceress threatens over and over to sacrifice them and she does some voodoo to some guy who looks like Joe Spinell’s clone. Does she subject them to a depraved blood orgy? Nope. Well, how about a regular orgy? No. How about anything sexual at all? No, sir. Not even so much as a kiss. Instead, people get endlessly threatened and the audience drowns in who-gives-a-fuck exposition about ancient witchcraft lore that sounds like it was written by a ten year-old who just learned the word “orgy”. Some professor says the words “The Blood Orgy of the She-Devils” and that’s about as close as you get. The next time you feel disappointed in a movie, just remember some asshole made Blood Orgy of the She-Devils and there isn’t any blood, orgies, or blood orgies in this PG-rated garbage.
Next, let’s talk about the She-Devils. Again, the title and grindhouse cover art would lead one to believe that the She-Devils would be at least mildly sexual and perhaps provide, at the very least, some brief ocular relief from this dumpster fire of a film. Wrong. They don’t do shit. They stare at people and vanish anti-climatically to cheesy Bewitched style blips and sparkles while what looks like a dozen flashlight beams zig-zag on the wall. They are barely in the goddamn move at all and when they are, you barely notice. Their big scene is one where they sit on the floor and chant together while one She-Devil dances. Maybe this is the blood orgy? I dunno.
The kills are pathetic. We get: a CGI burning at the cross, a weak as FUCK strangulation scene, and some other kills that will make you wish you would soil yourself so you could have an excuse to get off the sofa.
There is sub-Dolomite production quality and acting. The only thing this movie would be good for is melting several copies down, forming the plastic into a hammer and then using the hammer to break every remaining copy on Earth.