REVIEW: Annabelle (2014)

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Annabelle C-

The Clown is back with you for Halloween week and went to see The Annabelle Movie!

The Annabelle Movie is a movie about a doll with a creepy face that seems to be able move around and do dastardly shit. It also gets mad when you try to throw it away. I’ve never seen this idea before, so I was thinking okay…how bad can it be? Also, something about having The Annabelle in your house makes the machines in your house (like the sewing machine, the TV and the stove) come on and turn off by themselves and be dangerous. Another classic brand new idea.  So I was really impressed by the writing of whoever wrote it and just kept thinking “man…this guy was really in the Zone!”

So it’s supposed to be like kind of a prequel to “The Conjuring” which I reviewed HERE. But what’s weird is “The Conjuring” was based on a 100% true story, and this seems totally made up.  Well, more than likely I’m missing something because those two things don’t make sense together.

But anyway, it’s never really clear who’s “in” the doll because there’s this lady named Annabelle at the beginning who kills her parents and then draws a blood symbol on the wall and then dies ‘cause the cops shot her and she bleeds into the eyes of the doll. But also, there’s a demon who’s trying to use The Annabelle get a soul or something.

Then there’s this lady who just had a kid. Her name is Mia. She names the baby Lia. And she goes around and several times actually says “I’m Mia, and this is Lia”.  And Mia and Lia and her doctor husband who works too much end up with The Annabelle in their house for some reason. He’s working all the time so Mia and Lia are alonesies with The Annabelle a lot.

Weird dangerous things happen but (luckily) there’s a wise older black lady that owns a bookstore who (luckily) lives in the same building and (really luckily) knows about demons and shit. And they figure out that (if they want weird shit to stop happening) they’re supposed to kill the baby so that The Annabelle can have a whole life force and the demon can be free.

But they don’t want to kill the baby and that’s the conflict, which is a real important part of making the plot in a story. I told you this writer is good. He should write more movies…maybe something about a weird guy on an airplane who sees some shit.

See The Annabelle Movie if you REALLY have nothing else to do. But I bet you could think of something if you tried, you fat fuck.

 

REVIEW: Curse of Chucky (2013)

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Curse of Chucky: D-

FINALLY! What we’ve all been waiting for: an un-funny, un-scary installment in the Child’s Play series where Chucky’s facial expressions are computer generated and the writers are lazier than a baboon in an opium den.

Chucky is fucking FED-EXed to some cripple and her mom who live in a gloomy Victorian mansion. Cue: Child’s Play formula. The house fills with victims, a storm knocks out the power grid, and Chucky murders them one by one while pretending to be a harmless doll. You drown in predictable dramatic irony. Chucky tells horrible jokes as he kills people. Same old schtick. It’s like you’re watching a Leprechaun movie.

In horror movies, the protagonist can spend an hour in a library and, presto: They are vampire/werewolf/zombie/mummy/whatever experts. Even though there is no power, the cripple manages to use the internet and, in five measly minutes, she becomes a goddamn Child’s Play-ologist and deduces that Chucky is alive and really a serial killer. She even develops a psychological profile of Chucky based on the intricacies of his murders.

If she is so goddamn smart and resourceful, why is she still living with her mom?

This movie also includes some of the fucking laziest writing I’ve ever seen when it comes to kills. Here’s how Chucky kills one guy: He pushes the cripple’s wheelchair at him really hard. He apparently pushes it so hard that this full grown man does a forward-flip and is somehow immobilized long enough to watch Chucky wield a knife and tell a half dozen jokes in a row before cutting the guy’s jaw off.

At least it isn’t a prequel or a reboot. And Grima Wormtongue still does Chucky’s voice (he is even in the movie during a flash-back sequence). So, it’s got that going for it. Jennifer Tilly shows up and obnoxiously wags her breasts around. I’m going to say that 90% of her lines are puns.

If you’re like me, and you’ll watch anything, check this one out. You’ll see everything coming but maybe you’ll be nostalgic enough to stay awake.