REVIEW: Curse of Chucky (2013)


Curse of Chucky: D-

FINALLY! What we’ve all been waiting for: an un-funny, un-scary installment in the Child’s Play series where Chucky’s facial expressions are computer generated and the writers are lazier than a baboon in an opium den.

Chucky is fucking FED-EXed to some cripple and her mom who live in a gloomy Victorian mansion. Cue: Child’s Play formula. The house fills with victims, a storm knocks out the power grid, and Chucky murders them one by one while pretending to be a harmless doll. You drown in predictable dramatic irony. Chucky tells horrible jokes as he kills people. Same old schtick. It’s like you’re watching a Leprechaun movie.

In horror movies, the protagonist can spend an hour in a library and, presto: They are vampire/werewolf/zombie/mummy/whatever experts. Even though there is no power, the cripple manages to use the internet and, in five measly minutes, she becomes a goddamn Child’s Play-ologist and deduces that Chucky is alive and really a serial killer. She even develops a psychological profile of Chucky based on the intricacies of his murders.

If she is so goddamn smart and resourceful, why is she still living with her mom?

This movie also includes some of the fucking laziest writing I’ve ever seen when it comes to kills. Here’s how Chucky kills one guy: He pushes the cripple’s wheelchair at him really hard. He apparently pushes it so hard that this full grown man does a forward-flip and is somehow immobilized long enough to watch Chucky wield a knife and tell a half dozen jokes in a row before cutting the guy’s jaw off.

At least it isn’t a prequel or a reboot. And Grima Wormtongue still does Chucky’s voice (he is even in the movie during a flash-back sequence). So, it’s got that going for it. Jennifer Tilly shows up and obnoxiously wags her breasts around. I’m going to say that 90% of her lines are puns.

If you’re like me, and you’ll watch anything, check this one out. You’ll see everything coming but maybe you’ll be nostalgic enough to stay awake.