REVIEW: The Conjuring (2013)

The-Conjuring

 

The Conjuring B+

Take my word for it-whenever you round up a bunch of 8-year-olds and sit them around a table to do a dramatic reading of The Crucible, they will all mispronounce the word “conjure” and all of its variants. They all put the emphasis on the second syllable: “con-JURE”. It’s infuriating and they do it every time the word comes up, every time I have one of my table-reads!

So I…correct…them.

I can only imagine that all over this great nation, there are young Americans telling each other: “Let’s go see The Con-JURE-ing! It looks scary”.  They will have no realization just how dumb they sound. But not the ones whom I helped; they know better.

So I DID do some good. Take that, Officer Beetleson.

Why am I writing about The Crucible? Because Fuck You, that’s why. But there are some things that connect both works. First, they’re both true stories with real people and events shown EXACTLY AS THEY HAPPENED. Second, the ghosts and demons in The Conjuring are tenuously connected to the Salem Witch Trials, which lends credence to the “true story” claim.

Norma Bates and Nite-Owl are demonologists.  They get a request from the wife of the Office Space guy. She wants them to check out their fucked-up new house. Weird things started happening the first day they moved in. Things like: the dog won’t come inside, there’s random fart smells at night, and other stuff. And the mom has been getting weird bruises (all over) which she first assumed came from banging Office Space too hard. But they didn’t. Then things got worse.

This is a solid haunted house movie. It’s creepy, disturbing and has some non-telegraphed scares and smartly puts the lives of Office Space’s 5 daughters in mortal danger. I suppose I shouldn’t say “smartly” because that credits the writers and director but they didn’t have to do shit because this really happened.

One thing I like to see in a movie is something I’ve never seen before. We’re all familiar with that hallmark of American cinema called the “musical montage”. Like the “training montage” or the “learning montage” or the “they’re going to bang after this song is over” montage. You know.

Well this movie has a “setting up the scientific paranormal investigation equipment all over the house” montage. And it makes that seem exciting. There’s lots really involved equipment like black lights and bells on all the doorknobs so they can be heard opening. Now I realize why all my neighbors hang bells on their doors at night. They’re scared of ghosts!

I have some silly paranoid neighbors! This movie would freak them out!

This movie is nothing great, but there’s nothing it fails at either. See it if you like haunted house movies. You won’t feel cheated or pissed or ashamed or ugly on the inside if you do. Now, if you feel that way going in, you’ll probably feel that way coming out. Movies don’t solve your problems. Believe me.

REVIEW: The House that Screamed (2000)

house that screamed

The House that Screamed: F-

Fuck you. Fuck this movie. Fuck everything/everyone I saw/knew thought about immediately after seeing this movie. This movie is pure shit in a bag that’s been tossed around a vomit factory… yea… where vomit is made and stored I guess.

Anyway…

This movie was made in 2000, which is nuts as its so cheap and crappy I thought early 90’s… and is basically a Shining rip off without ANY thing cool about the Shining. It’s about a middle-aged horror novelist named Marty (who look like DiVino from Big Lebowski and Bob Huskin’s retarded brother… son… whatever). Surprise, Marty has writers block and is looking for a place for inspiration to write.

He finds a haunted house (that screamed) and goes to rent it from a guy that used to live there who wears sunglasses indoors, which is never brought up… Guy warns Marty about the place but Marty is in it to win it so he rents the house (that screamed). So Marty tries to write and fails cuz he sucks at life when a fat chick appears… in the house (that screamed)… and Marty doesn’t question it (that’s his thing… just accepts things… it builds character) So the fat chick tells Marty she wants to sleep with him… very quickly… no foreplay, no flirting, she’s all business. So the viewer (me for some un-godly reason) begs Marty not to, but of course he gets ridden by the fat chick in a quick, unsexy sex scene and then she reveals she’s dead and somehow equally as nasty as not dead version. (Remember in the Shining when this same shit happens but the chick is decent looking… yeah, fuck that. Make her nasty before and after. That’s what the audience wants.) Anyway, more spooky shit happens, Marty hears voices and the usual haunted house (that screamed) shit happens, so Marty goes back to the land lord guy (who couldn’t be bothered to make a costume change) and is like “wtf”. So landlord guy tells Marty he used to live there and had to tear out his eyes so he wouldn’t see the horrors any longer… (safe to assume he also fucked the fat chick). NOW the guy removes his glasses and we see he has empty BLEEDING sockets under his glasses. I don’t mean under his eyelids… no no… He apparently ripped through his lids to grab his eyeballs, and yank them out… along with the lids. Does that mean there are cool looking holes or something? Fuck you. No. Just bloody red latex or something covering the actor’s eyes. STUPID. So marty goes back to the house (THAT FUCKING SCREAMED) and tries to write… the house keeps talking to him… in many voices so you don’t know what the fuck it’s saying to him… and gues what marty does!!!! He tears out his eyes!!! But wait!!! He then tears out his ear drums!! (Isn’t that impossible?” Nope!! Marty apparently pushes his fat fingers into his ear canal… grabs his ear drums and pulls them out. Then he walks into the basement (with no trouble… with no eyes) walks into a coffin (that was just chillin there) and closes the lid. THE END.
Yep… The end. Goodnight sweet prince. I can’t convey the proper emotion that came from viewing this film… but it was hate-rage-suicide-esque… I should have torn out my eyes and eardrums… but I did watch the whole thing… so F-