Tag Archives: horror

REVIEW: Grave Encounters (2011)

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Grade: B

 

Don’t worry about the retarded-sounding title. It’s meant to sound retarded. It’s actually the name of the cheesy Ghotshunters-style television show that works as the very clever premise of this solid little Canadian flick.

 

What’s clever about it, you ask? Well, Dr. Loomis is your resident found footage expert around these parts. And while I dig the genre, even I must admit that it has its limitations. In basically every film from the sub-genre, there’s that shit-gets-cray moment when you say, “Ok, nobody would still be filming this.”

 

Grave Encounters has that angle pretty well covered. The characters are cynical-as-fuck documentarians who take their cameras to supposedly haunted places and look for ghosts and shit. Their latest expedition leads them to an old, closed-down mental hospital, where they have a caretaker lock them inside for the night, you know, for the extra drama that the fucktards who watch these shows like they’re National Geographic specials eat up.

 

The film starts pretty slowly, lots of backstory and “let’s get this over with” dialogue. Their incredulity turns to frustration as morning dawns (at least according to their cell phones), but all the exits they try are either blocked up or lead to other corridors. The way events commence mildly (a rolling, empty wheelchair) and get increasingly dicey (bathtubs of blood, demons) is executed well, and there’s some very cool Cukoo’s Nest shit going on. Best of all, since they’re there to record supernatural shit (even though they don’t really believe in said supernatural shit), that’s enough excuse to keep the cameras rolling, despite the fact that demons are writing “hello” on people’s backs amongst other inconsiderate demon behavior.

 

It’s not a great movie, by any means, but I’m bumping it up to a B because I’d never heard of it before seeing it recommended to me by Netlix instant, and it was a pleasant fucking surprise. You don’t encounter those often, ya feel me? Of course, this means you’ll watch it and be all like, “Loomis, that was nowhere near as good as you said it was, you fucking quack. And your lame-ass puns suck all the dicks.” Then I’ll give you your money back, you ungrateful cocksuckers.

 

REVIEW: World War Z (2013)

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World-War-Z
Grade: B

 

I was sitting in the theater about to watch Tyler Durden take on some zombies when some asshole had to go and tell me that this movie was based on a book. A book? About zombies? That’s about all I wanted to hear, because I hate it when you have to listen to somebody who also read the book after you just watched a movie. They love to tell you all about how the “book was better” and “the book did X differently”. It’s like they’re bragging ’cause they’re reading, but little do they know that all that makes them is a bunch of fuckin’ nerds.

So, I don’t know nuttin’ about no book readin’, but I do know a thing or two about zombie movies. Maybe one day I’ll get around to reviewing some of the classic ones, but right now, you’re going to have to settle for this. Basically, this one doesn’t give us too much that’s different. They’re fast zombies, which we’ve seen in 28 Days Later and the remake of Dawn of the Dead. They seem to have a scientific/natural cause, as the scientific method is what’s used to beat them. Also, the entire planet has been taken over by them, which is pretty typical.

 
What’s different with this one is that there’s a bit of a sense of hope at the end, whereas zombie movies usually leave you thinking: “Yeah, the good guys got out of that scrape, but they’re gonna be dead tomorrow.” It’s not like this movie ends with the zombies and the humans walking hand-in-hand, as they’ve gotta leave some room for a sequel, so you’re thinking: “You might survive the next day, but man, it’s gonna be pretty damned tough.” Am I giving away too much for those of you who get all butt-hurt about spoilers? I hope not, but if I did, feel free to lick my butt.

There are also some pretty cool visuals in this one, and the cgi is done well. This is probably the first time I’ve seen a zombie movie where I can totally buy how quickly it spreads. A lot of times, you get thrown into the action after the really bad stuff has gone down, but you actually get to see it all descending into mayhem – a couple of times, actually.

Gore-fans are going to be disappointed, as the PG-13 rating makes this more of an action film than a horror film. You see more grotesque stuff in the average episode of The Walking Dead than you see in this entire movie. There are a few good “gotcha!” moments though, and it’s all pretty danged entertaining. The nearly-two hour run time whooshes by like one of them running zombies.

REVIEW: Hatchet 3 (2013)

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Hatchet 3: B

So, there’s this guy with a hatchet. A demented, redneck, indestructible guy with a hatchet. He likes to chop people up with his hatchet and this is the third movie in which he gets to.

This was a  really fun horror film that reminded me of early 90’s gore-fests I used to watch as a kid. It probably had something to do with the fact that Kane Hodder, the guy who played Jason in a LOT of the Friday the 13th films, plays the very Jason-like murderer, Victor Krowley.

Like said gore-fests, the actual plot only bookends the film. Some sheriffs go to investigate a murder in the swamp in Louisiana. Victor is there and he kills everyone. They send in backup and Victor kills everyone. They send in the SWAT team and Victor kills everyone (in one really incestuous-horror kill scene, the SWAT leader, played by the same guy who was Jason in the Friday the 13th reboot, is killed by Victor, who played Jason in a lot of the original movies). It only takes about twenty minutes of plot to deliver an unending supply of cops for Victor to slaughter and then you get a solid sixty minutes of gore. Then Victor’s supernatural origin is exposed and he is finally defeated in the final ten minutes.

The make-up and production value was really impressive. The villain is basically identical to Jason Voorhees but sometimes all a movie needs is cool make-up and a silent killing machine.

The kills are brutal and remind me of stuff I used to watch 20 years ago. Someone’s head is cooked with defibrillators, spines are ripped out, someone’s head is sanded off with a gas powered sander, and there are all sorts of hatchet-related deaths. They even shoot someone with a short-range missile. There is heavy metal music, screams and bone-crunching noises, and all types of physics-defying murder. Every internal organ imaginable is exposed and mutilated. One guy’s spine AND HEAD are ripped out THROUGH HIS STOMACH. How? Shhh. Hatchet 3. 

REVIEW: The Prophecy (1995)

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The Prophecy:B

Christopher Walken plays Gabriel, a ruthless homicidal angel who comes to Earth to steal an evil soul so he can fulfill this prophecy where Heaven and Hell cancel each other out and become nothingness. It’s sort of like Terminator but with angels; Erik Stoltz plays a good angel trying to stop Gabriel and both of them come to our world searching for this one soul with which they can change the future. Viggo Mortensen shows up for a minute and plays a great Satan.

Walken already looks like he’s from another dimension, so he fits the role of Gabriel nicely. I read somewhere that he requests all of his scripts without punctuation, which would explain a lot of his trademark CD-skipping-sounding line delivery. “I. am. AnAngel… who has come. Here, to… findasoulformy… Prof…eh, see?”

Gabriel murders people and flexes some questionable powers of The Divine including the ability to keep dying people alive as his gouls and wearing a dress shirt with no neck tie. Some of the theological issues proposed by the film might be interesting if you are a Bible nerd or into that sort of thing. Parts of Christian mythology are discussed as basis for some of the characters’ motivation. Keeping in line with Christianity, rituals are a big part of the film. Certain ceremonies, incantations, and windows of time are vital to the action and characters go to great pains to execute their plans by a certain time and with precision.

Bottom line is that it is a goofy as fuck story and if you are looking for some sort of existential, Christian-based life-changer, look elsewhere. It dances the line of horror film, thriller, and action movie. Netflix has it categorized in probably 20 different genres. The premise has spawned some fucking awful sequels and some even awfuler films. Worth a watch. If you like Terminator and Walken, you owe it to yourself to see this.

REVIEW: Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters (2013)

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Hansel and Gretel Witch Hunters: F

I wasn’t expecting much from this movie, but what I got exceeded even my expectations of awful.

Let’s start with the 3D. There was no reason for it to exist. There were probably like 7 shots in the movie for which 3D was used and it all was scraps of wood or stone flying at you after some CGI explosion.

Secondly, the plot and character development were about as thin as tracing paper. The reason H and G are killing witches is given like 11 seconds of attention, and outside of a brief explanation at the end you have no idea why they have some of their powers.

Third, the weapons they use are fuckin ridiculous. I thought for like the first 15 minutes of the movie that H and G were from the future or some shit, but it turns out they just have weapons that don’t exist yet for some unexplainable reason.

Hansel had diabetes from eating too much candy at the witches house when he was a kid. NOT A FUCKING JOKE. And it really became a key plot device. His diabetes played a central role in developing him as a character, explaining his relationship to his sister, and was woven seamlessly into future conflicts that helped add drama and tension…..

SIKE! NOT AT ALL!!!!! THERE WAS NO REASON FOR HIM TO HAVE DIABETES!!!! IT ADDED NOTHING TO THE MOVIE!!!!!

The action scenes were all right, the movie had no down-time and at least they wrapped up this shit fest in like 86 minutes, but the rest of the movie was so poorly developed that I can not give it higher then an “F.”

REVIEW: Axe Giant: The Wrath of Paul Bunyan (2013)

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Axe Giant: The Wrath of Paul Bunyan: D-

Jesus, what a mountain of garbage. It has the special effects worse than a straight-to-DVD Nickelodeon feature and the acting is so overdone and pompous, it makes the crew from Alien Seed look like five star thespians. It’s got Grizz Adams, who somehow looks better than he did 20 years ago, and Joe Estevez, Charlie Sheen’s homeless looking (and probably homeless) uncle.

Grizz Adams and some other 19th century lumberjacks murder Babe the god-awful-looking-CGI-Blue-Ox, inciting the wrath of Paul Bunyan, who isn’t a giant lumberjack but rather, a developmentally challenged, murderous lumberjack. He kills everyone with his axe and feeds Grizz’s face to a giant table saw. Most of the gore is flamboyant CGI that explodes with the velocity of a cartoon.

Anyway, Paul Bunyan flees to the mountains where he inexplicably grows to 25 feet tall and enjoys apparent eternal life as a now cave troll looking Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers villain type of evil lumberjack. Joe Estevez tells you all this as the “wise elder” character while he pockets catering and prop bread from the set. Poor guy.

Now you have to believe some other crazy shit: The state has a new program for first offenders where they can forgo prison and instead, go to a summer/prison camp rehabilitation program run by a social worker who looks like she used to star in mom porn and a police sergeant who acts like someone’s mean stepdad. The felons have committed a range of crimes and they are all young and/or nubile chumps ready to be axed by PB. They get to bring their cell phones and roast marshmallows despite the fact that they have stolen millions of dollars or assaulted police officers.

Some “plot” rolls out and then the axing begins. Real unoriginal kills. One guy is chopped in half horizontally. Another character is chopped in half vertically. Heads are chopped off etc. There’s a car chase scene with some ugly special effects. Paul Bunyan chases a truck on foot, roaring and moaning like a mummy. He is either shown as a guy in a costume in front of a pathetically obvious green screen or some screen-saver looking CGI. I don’t know which was worse.

A militia of rednecks show up and save the day and they hit you with the credits before you have time to yawn again. Pretty funny to watch with friends. Pretty awful that it exists.

REVIEW: Tales from the Hood (1995)

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Tales from the Hood: A

I saw this in the theater when I was twelve and it was awesome. Since then, I’ve probably seen it another fifteen times and I’ve enjoyed it each time. In my opinion, it is one of the most charming and creative 90’s horror films. The social commentary is relevant and the make-up, effects, writing, and acting are all extremely entertaining. I will concede that my history with the film might make my biased because of my own nostalgia.

This is one of those Creepshow style anthology films with a frame story setting up four “mini-films.” The mini-films each have, at their core, a social issue that affects African Americans who live in the hood which are also allegorically represented amidst all the panic and gore:

1. Police corruption / racism: A black rights activist is murdered by corrupt cops. They even gloat and go pee-pee on his grave after. Fucking meanies! He rises from the dead to fuck them up with extreme brutality. Zombie Black Rights Activist can teleport, has telekinesis, and can modulate his voice.
2. Domestic violence: David Alan Grier plays this asshole abusive boyfriend/dad who is also a monster. A teacher gets wise to what’s going on and one of DAG’s victims tries some voodoo type magic on his ass. Sounds fucked up, but when you get to the end of this one, there will be lulz.
3. Political racism: A racist white senator lives in a house that used to be a plantation, a fact that gives him an abundance of joy. Too bad for him that the house is haunted by a tribe of living dolls who are possessed by the souls of tortured slaves. You can imagine that they don’t think the senator is very cool. There’s some Child’s Play-esque terror as the dolls stalk and attack him.
4. Gang violence / prison rehabilitation: A gangsta named Crazy K goes to jail because he was being a gangsta named Crazy K. A new rehabilitation method allows the souls of his victims to kick it in the solitary confinement cell with him. These visitations make Crazy K become Crazier K and he has to ask himself if he still wants to go hard in the paint or instead, take responsibility for the evils he has committed.

Clarence Williams plays the Crypt Keeper character and his gap-toothed maniacal cackling punctuates each story. It’s a real treat.

REVIEW: Monster Brawl (2011)

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Monster Brawl: C-

This splat-stick wannabe Mortal Kombat movie dredges the the floors of Hollywood and brings up such cinematic legends Jimmy Hart, Kevin Nash, and Kurrgan.

Basically, a pair of wannabe commentators call a tournament that decides the World Heavyweight Champion of monsters. The format is a single elimination fight to the death, and all of the faves are there from Frankenstein to the Wolfman to Swampthing (“Swampgut”). Each combatant enters the ring and they have a pro wrestling match until one monster uses a foreign object or a special power to kill the other.

Jimmy Hart is the ring announcer and is flanked by 2 hot babes, and watching them sluttily smile, and wink was easily the best part of the movie. Lance Henrickson was given top billing on the cover, but he is literally not in the movie. All he does is a voice-over with random comments during the matches. He says shit like “discombobulating” or “tremendous” after high impact moves. It was a shameless rip off of Shao Kahn from Mortal Kombat.

Overall it was entertaining, the fights were mediocre to above average, and we got to mock several B level celebrities while watching.