Tag Archives: horror

REVIEW: Jaws (1975)

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Jaws: A+

What the fuckety fuck is a classic like Jaws doing on this site?  Well crap it all, if The Saddest Clown in the World is going to review Psycho, I’m going to review the best damn Carcharodon carcharias movie ever.  (That’s right.  It’s even better than Jaws:  The Revenge.)

The really ironic thing is that if things had gone Steven Spielberg’s way, this might have been a giant slice of turd pie.  At the very least, it wouldn’t have become a classic.  What was the problem?  The damn shark didn’t work right.  That means he had to focus on some crazy shit like story and character.

Like every sane person who isn’t a Hitler-loving child molester who eats his own feces, I probably watch this film at least once a year.  Do I watch it for the awesome shark attacks?  No.  I watch it because I love the characters.  I love the pacing.  I love the dialogue.  I diarrhea in my pants with joy every time Quint says something.  That fucker’s gonna get that damn Great White no matter what, ’cause he saw all his buds become a shark buffet, and no matter what the goddamn tagline was forJaws 4, shit was PERSONAL with this film.  But hey, it’s not just Quint who’s great.  Brody’s awesome, and I turn into a sentimental pile of goo during that scene where he tells his son the reason why he wants a kiss is because “I need it.”  And who can forget Hooper?  He learns the hell out of you with all his shark trivia.

But hey, the shark’s still cool.  Now, I’m not one of those hipster fucks who reflexively bemoans the use of CGI.  I actually think that really good CGI beats practical effects on some occasions.  However, bad practical effects are always better than bad CGI.  Even if you think that Bruce looks like a robot shark, a robot shark can still chomp your stupid ass in half.

Buy this bitch on Blu-Ray, ’cause it looks so divinely pristine that you’ll be convinced that you’re a shark.  Then you’ll run to the nearest beach and chomp into some poor kid who’s going for a swim.  And he’ll be delicious.  And his mom will slap the sheriff.

REVIEW: Leprechaun Back to tha Hood (2003)

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Leprechaun Back 2 Tha Hood

 

Leprechaun: Back 2 tha Hood: F-

The fucking Leprechaun movies never end. If howling obscenities at the television actually made shitty movies better, then I turned this into Oscar material the last time I watched it.

This time, the Leprechaun is in the hood again, because one time wasn’t enough. Some friends take his gold, against the advice of the “wise elder” character, and the Leprechaun hunts them and systematically kills them. There’s more weed, rap music, and jokes. The Leprechaun impales some dude with a bong. The whole movie comes off as a repackaging of whatever jokes/ideas they didn’t use when the Leprechaun was in the hood last time.

This franchise is so fucking dead, it boggles the mind. This movie was like watching someone dig up the corpse of their grandmother and move her hands around to make her knit one last sweater. When the movie wrapped up with another cliffhanger ending, I was so depressed that I called in sick to work and got in bed at like 7pm. But I wasn’t really surprised; there hasn’t been any real catharsis in a Leprechaun movie since the first one. The only reason it doesn’t get a UV is because I somehow watched the whole thing.

REVIEW: Psycho 3 (1986)

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Psycho III: D+

Norman Bates is crazy again. He has a new stuffed mother, a Psycho House and a motel to run, and sex-shame rage killings to get to. But he has these people bugging him about all kinds of shit.

First there’s this nun with a death wish. She is supposed to kind of resemble Jamie Lee Curtis’ Mom from Psycho One. And she has the same initials, which is tripping Norman out. But this nun looks nothing like Jamie Lee Curtis’ Mom at all-so it didn’t trip me out-but then again I’m not a sex-shame rage killer so I see things pretty clearly. Norman, you know, he’s got issues. He starts to think maybe she’s the reincarnation of Jamie Lee Curtis’ Mom come to haunt him or something.

Also there’s this reporter and this music hobo who want to get famous by finding out if Norman’s up to something and what it is. And all these people do some things and then some people get killed and Norman just gets fussier, but it’s left up the viewer to decide if he’s gone back to sex-shame rage killings.

This groupie with great natural boobs gets killed in a phone booth, and then other stuff happens until Norman loses it and goes back to being crazy, even though he might not even be the one doing the killing. I can’t really remember, because it’s a stupid mystery that doesn’t make sense.

But I do remember this: this is just the names of Psycho and Norman Bates pushed through as a boiler-plate eighties slasherfest. And it sucks.

And the attempt at the end to reflect the awesome closing shot of Psycho One is just ham-handed and piss-poor and doesn’t make sense. And these days just a scary look isn’t enough, so they have to have Norman caressing a mummified severed hand instead of just staring like in the awesome Psycho One. Also, Anthony Perkins (who many might remember from Mahogany) doesn’t need to be doing close ups at this point in his life.

Then you find out that this turd was actually directed by Anthony Perkins. I would think he would be a better director because he was in some legal thriller directed by Citizen Kane. And you want to say “Didn’t you learn nothing? Fuck You, Tony Perkins!” and you want to yell it in a Cuban accent because you’re so mad. Then you remember he’s dead and you feel guilty for a few minutes.

But I will say this: for a gay man, Anthony Perkins knows how to cast great natural boobs.

D+ over all. But you will enjoy it more if you are the type of person who likes to see a talented artist shit on his legacy with hack work.

REVIEW: Leprechaun in the Hood (2000)

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Leprechaun in the Hood: D+

One year, for my birthday, someone got me this movie on DVD. Now whenever it’s my birthday, I tragically think of Leprechaun in the Hood instead of thinking about good things that make me happy.

“Aw yeah, bro, the Leprechaun is in the ‘hood! This shit is gonna be hella dope!” No it is not. If you were that guy who said that at some point: I hate you. The Leprechaun franchise isn’t quite revived with this film. I don’t know how to put it. The near-dead series is awkwardly resuscitated after being out long enough to get serious brain damage only to revive as Leprechaun in the Hood, which is a movie about the Leprechaun in the Hood. The comedy is cranked several degrees and the Leprechaun now kills black people instead of white people. For maybe a combined five minutes, this movie tries to be a horror flick.

Last time we saw the Leprechaun, he was a disembodied, enlarged version of himself floating around outer space. Now we learn that that shit didn’t matter and what really happened was that Ice T captured his ass. Three aspiring rappers get the Leprechaun all pissed off and he stalks them through Compton because they stole his magic flute. There’s a lot of people holding their guns sideways and rapping because the writers didn’t want you forget that we are “in the Hood.” There are about three times as many one-liners and “jokes” as the other four films combined and after the end credits finally fucking begin, you get to see the Leprechaun rapping, which is totally funny if you are totally lame. It is about as amusing as one of those Hallmark cards that play music when you open it.

If you have come this far with the series, you should just watch this so that you understand how bad things have gotten. If you watch it with some friends whilst drinking copious amounts of malt liquor, you’ll be okay.

REVIEW: Piranha 3D (2010)

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Piranha 3D: B

In the theater, this was called Piranha 3D, but when you watch it now, it’s probably just called Piranha, which isn’t to be confused with the original 1978 release..

The best kind of dumb movie is one that knows it’s dumb.  This is one of those, and it gives the audience just what it wants – tons of gory piranha kills and copious nudity.

You know that part in a movie where there’s some really awesome nudity and you think: “I could totally jerk off to this.  Maybe I should start pulling my pants down…nah, it’s going to end soon and then I’m gonna have my dick in my hand while somebody’s balls are being chewed off by a piranha.  Then my mom’s gonna walk in the room and think that I get off to that sort of thing, and BOOM!  Infinite psychiatric sessions.”  Well, just as that thought leaves your head with this movie, the Kelly Brook nudity continues, and you think, “Man, this is going longer than I thought.”  When it finally does end, all you can think to yourself is, “I totally could have rubbed one out, and she’d still be naked and my mom would finally stop thinking that I’m gay!”  (If you actually are gay, good luck to you, son.  There are a lot of uncaring, homophobic people who don’t respect you the way they should.  Give me a petition for a remake of this film with some dude nudity, and I’ll totally sign it.  I’ll even watch it with you.)

Other pluses include an homage to Jaws at the beginning, a girl getting her hair caught in a propeller resulting in her face being torn off, and some fun performances by a lot of talented actors who are having fun with the material.  The ending is spot-on perfect as well.

The only drawback to this film is the CGI.  I had a hard time feeling completely absorbed in the movie because I kept thinking that people were being attacked by CGI piranhas.  Maybe they should have just went with it.  “Agh!  A computer-generated image of a piranha is eating my legs!  How can this be?  It’s like that episode of Spider-Man and his Amazing Friends when that video game character came to life, only this is a piranha, or to be more accurate, a lot of piranhas!”

With dialogue skills like that, I could totally be a Hollywood big shot.

REVIEW: Psycho 2 (1983)

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Psycho II: B+

This movie was made and is set exactly 22 years after the events depicted in the first movie, which is called Psycho One. Anthony Perkins (who many might remember from The Black Hole) reprises his role as Norman Bates. And he’s pretty damn good.

Also returning from the original is Jamie Lee Curtis’ Aunt, who is again played by Vera Miles, who played the role of the worried sister of Jamie Lee Curtis’ Mom in the first film too.

Apparently, the sister ended up married to that hardware dude who Jamie Lee Curtis’ Mom was banging and stole money for in Psycho One. Right on, hardware dude…both sisters. I was kind of wishing he was in the movie so he could give a monologue about the sister’s different smells.

Anyway, after their harrowing experiences in the first film they fell in love and got married and hella banged without protection, because the Agnes of God is also in it, and she plays Jamie Lee Curtis’ Mom’s Sister’s Daughter.

If you are not an expert in genealogy, which I assume you are not, this means that Agnes of God is Jamie Lee Curtis’ Mom’s Niece, which makes her Jamie Lee Curtis’ cousin and those cousins both have great natural boobs.

Norman, he has just been declared sane and sent home to his motel and Psycho House. But this is no good for the Curtis girls. They want him back in the slam. So they’re trying to drive him crazy by moving shit around the Psycho House and hiding tape recordings of “Mother” trying to make him think he’s losing it again

So Agnes of God pretends to be a runaway, and she cons Norman Bates into giving her a place to stay, which is how they can put stuff in the Psycho House.

So Norman Bates is actually the victim here. Now, he’s not totally done with his old tricks. He still watches Agnes of God through a hole in the wall while she showers (which is how I know about the boobs), but the Oedipal/matricidal/sex-shame/misogynistic rage killings really have abated for now.

Also there’s a subplot about Detective Sipcowicz selling drugs out of the Bates Motel. That was probably a sting or something.

So will Norman win against these vindictive cunts? Watch it yourself, because it is a pretty passable sequel to a perfect movie-especially considering it was made in the early 80’s like Flashdance.

Anthony Perkins is great once again. Norman does pretty good keeping his mind and vanquishing his foes in the end.

Or at least until the end-end.

REVIEW: Leprechaun 4: In Space (1997)

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Leprechaun 4: In Space: D+

I know what you’re asking yourself right now, but allow me to counter with a question of my own: Why wouldn’t the Leprechaun be in space? Huh? Think about that, smarty-pants.

The Leprechaun’s evil has reached intergalactic proportions in this shitfest of a film. He kidnaps a princess from another planet whom he plans to use as a hostage in order to become king of her home-world. Then, some space-marines come along. You know. Space-marines. Like in Aliens and Starship Troopers. They murder the shit out of the Leprechaun, but he manages to sneak onto their vessel in a completely logical manner: When an overzealous marine is urinating on his corpse, the Leprechaun transmigrates his essence into the guy’s penis, which he later violently bursts from once he returns to the ship. That’s right: a dick-stowaway.

By the way, don’t google “dick-stowaway.”

Now that the “in Space” part is taken care of, we can sit back and watch the Leprechaun formula mindlessly unfold. Everything that happens in spaceship sci-fi movies happens; someone gets sucked through the airlock, someone’s spacesuit is ruptured, someone is an android, a self-destruct sequence is initiated. At one point, the Leprechaun genetically mutates one of the crew into a human-arachnid hybrid. He is doused in liquid nitrogen and shattered by a bullet a la Terminator 2, similar to how your will to live should be feeling at this point in your viewing of this abysmal mess.

The rip-offs of the Alien movies are fucking shameless. If space-marines, bursting from a human body, spaceship self-destruct, and hidden androids weren’t enough, the Leprechaun is zapped with an enlarging ray, becomes a 40-foot tall version of himself, and, just like the Queen at the end of Aliens, the protagonist blasts him through the airlock into space after a showdown in the cargo bay. Someone should blast this movie into space. But then, aliens might find the movie and assume it is a representative of our collective culture. Then they would understandably kill us all. Thanks a lot, Leprechaun 4!

The Leprechaun explodes in space and his disembodied hand flips off the space ship at the end of the film for one last fucking lame zinger. Really, he is flipping off the audience as if to say “At no point during the making or execution of the film did we respect you, the audience. Hey audience: FUCK YOU.”

REVIEW: Bunnyman (2011)

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Bunnyman: F-

Horror movies with a man in a bunny suit as a killer have an un-illustrious past to say the least with 2004’s Peter Rottentale being the medium’s one and only low light. Bunny Man proudly carries on Rottentale’s tainted legacy by putting on another shameful display of all that is wrong with modern low budget horror.

Basically five idiots are driving down a road when they start getting stalked by Bunny Man who is driving his big tow truck a la Jeepers Creepers. Eventually he steers them off the road where they crash and then they are forced to wander the forest while Bunny Man hunts them down. The group shifts from location to location meeting various local rednecks and having inane conversations with them which cumulatively drives the plot no where. Eventually they meet a girl and her brother who offer them help, but in reality are Bunny Man’s twisted family who are merely bringing them to the cabin to cannibalize them. From there nothing more then a shameless Texas Chainsaw Massacre rip off ensues with some of the worst kills I have ever seen including a car falling on a guy an having gravy leak out of the sides. However most kills are simply blunt force trauma that is covered up, or actualized by throwing blood on a wall.

This movie literally has no plot. None of the characters are given a back story or motivation and none of them are properly introduced or even have generic horror movie roles such as the jock or the bimbo. I think the fuckers who directed this just were like “hey how cool and weird would it be if their was a killer in a bunny suit who lives with a cannibal family” then made a shitty movie around that flawed premise.

Fuck whoever made this and the fact that this shit fest has a sequel already is grounds for a beating.