Piranha 3D: B
In the theater, this was called Piranha 3D, but when you watch it now, it’s probably just called Piranha, which isn’t to be confused with the original 1978 release..
The best kind of dumb movie is one that knows it’s dumb. This is one of those, and it gives the audience just what it wants – tons of gory piranha kills and copious nudity.
You know that part in a movie where there’s some really awesome nudity and you think: “I could totally jerk off to this. Maybe I should start pulling my pants down…nah, it’s going to end soon and then I’m gonna have my dick in my hand while somebody’s balls are being chewed off by a piranha. Then my mom’s gonna walk in the room and think that I get off to that sort of thing, and BOOM! Infinite psychiatric sessions.” Well, just as that thought leaves your head with this movie, the Kelly Brook nudity continues, and you think, “Man, this is going longer than I thought.” When it finally does end, all you can think to yourself is, “I totally could have rubbed one out, and she’d still be naked and my mom would finally stop thinking that I’m gay!” (If you actually are gay, good luck to you, son. There are a lot of uncaring, homophobic people who don’t respect you the way they should. Give me a petition for a remake of this film with some dude nudity, and I’ll totally sign it. I’ll even watch it with you.)
Other pluses include an homage to Jaws at the beginning, a girl getting her hair caught in a propeller resulting in her face being torn off, and some fun performances by a lot of talented actors who are having fun with the material. The ending is spot-on perfect as well.
The only drawback to this film is the CGI. I had a hard time feeling completely absorbed in the movie because I kept thinking that people were being attacked by CGI piranhas. Maybe they should have just went with it. “Agh! A computer-generated image of a piranha is eating my legs! How can this be? It’s like that episode of Spider-Man and his Amazing Friends when that video game character came to life, only this is a piranha, or to be more accurate, a lot of piranhas!”
With dialogue skills like that, I could totally be a Hollywood big shot.