REVIEW: Raptor Island (2004)


Raptor Island: D+

I watched Pterodactyl the other night. When  I saw that Raptor Island was next, I let out a long breath, sadly mumbled “fuck it,” resigned myself to the idea of watching it, and thought about my life during the credits of Pterodactyl.

Lorsnzo Lamas leads a team of soldiers in pursuit of (what else?) terrorists to fucking Raptor Island! You can see where this is going and what kinds of shenanigans to expect. Cheaply rendered CGI raptors feast on soldiers and terrorists alike. All the same ingredients of Pterodactyl and all the same lamentable movie-making. My favorite Lamas quote (with a straight face, standing over comrade’s fallen body): “Secure his body men; I don’t want those raptors gettin to it!”

I included an image of the raptors so you can see the level of CGI we’re dealing with. Not only do you have to suspend your disbelief and pretend that Lamas is anything other than a pill-head with a bad tan, but you also have to pretend like those fucking feeble, shivering polygons that slunk around to the same 30 second clip of “raptor” noise are dinosaurs.