Tag Archives: monster

REVIEW: Monster Brawl (2011)

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Monster Brawl: C-

This splat-stick wannabe Mortal Kombat movie dredges the the floors of Hollywood and brings up such cinematic legends Jimmy Hart, Kevin Nash, and Kurrgan.

Basically, a pair of wannabe commentators call a tournament that decides the World Heavyweight Champion of monsters. The format is a single elimination fight to the death, and all of the faves are there from Frankenstein to the Wolfman to Swampthing (“Swampgut”). Each combatant enters the ring and they have a pro wrestling match until one monster uses a foreign object or a special power to kill the other.

Jimmy Hart is the ring announcer and is flanked by 2 hot babes, and watching them sluttily smile, and wink was easily the best part of the movie. Lance Henrickson was given top billing on the cover, but he is literally not in the movie. All he does is a voice-over with random comments during the matches. He says shit like “discombobulating” or “tremendous” after high impact moves. It was a shameless rip off of Shao Kahn from Mortal Kombat.

Overall it was entertaining, the fights were mediocre to above average, and we got to mock several B level celebrities while watching.

REVIEW: Man-Thing (2005)

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Man-Thing (2005): C-

This review is for the 2005 horror film based on a Marvel Comics character. If you were looking for a different “Man-Thing,” sorry, perv.

The Man-Thing is basically Swamp-Thing. He chills in the swamp and murders people if they go into the swamp. Some people go into the swamp, so they get murdered. End of plot.

He looks like a cheap pile of fake kelp and has CGI eyes. His victims die by disembodiment or by having Man-Thing manipulated vegetation fatally sprout from their stupid bodies in 2 seconds. You get breasts, gore, and a stockpile of oil company goons waiting to die for your entertainment. The kills are funny but the “scary” fast motion sequences with loud-as-fuck racket that happen every 10 minutes get a little old. And Man-Thing looks fucking dumb. And there is no story.

In the comics, Man-Thing hates fear. Whenever he senses the emotion, he secretes a corrosive chemical and burns motherfuckers (you can imagine that since he looks like a 7-foot tall pile of walking vegetables, some of them very phallic, a lot of people get burned). Movie Man-Thing hates audiences being interested in a film. And he has this power where he communicates with / controls vegetation like how Aquaman talks to fish. I guess Hollywood was up on their straight-to-DVD High Horse and was like “I don’t know… he ejaculates acidic fear juice… who would watch that?” and then they gave him the ability to look fucking silly and grow plants for their cinematic masterpiece.

The movie tries to explain, with some vague text at the beginning of the film and maybe a dozen words later in the film, that Movie Man-Thing is not a transformed scientist like Comic Man-Thing; he is actually a forest spirit protecting the swamp. Great. Thanks for protecting that swamp, Man-Thing. Maybe they can do a sequel where we see Man-Thing’s slow, CGI asshole cousin all made of sand protecting some uninhabitable square mile of desert.

REVIEW: Boa vs. Python (2004)

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Boa Vs. Python: C

You thought it was pretty cool when The Avengers took characters from various franchises and put them all together in one movie?  I bet you did think that.  Well, let me tell you something.  You’re a stupid-ass.  Why?  Lots of reasons, probably, but the key one being that it had been done nearly a decade before!

That’s right.  Remember the sublime Boa from 2001 and the transcendent Python from 2000?  Of course you do.  Those were your favorite movies.  You never imagined in your wildest dreams that Boa Vs. Python would ever happen.  In fact, you were so certain that such a thing could not be that you subconsciously blocked its release from your memory.  You made absolutely no note of this, thinking that you couldn’t handle something that would make your face split open with mind-blowing, jizz-inducing, herpe-tainment.

So, you’re welcome, as I’m happy to remind you of what’s probably the best crossover one could have possibly made with this concept.  “But Dick,” you’re saying, “What if I haven’t seen either of the two previous films?”  Don’t worry yourself, as I was able to follow it just fine.  I don’t even recall any references to the previous two movies.  Exposition fans will not be disappointed though, as the script is sure to provide us with a scientist who explains the shit out of whatever’s happening.

This is an entertaining film to watch with a bunch of friends where you mock the dialogue and cheesy special effects.  If you watch it by yourself, you’ll realize that your life must be pretty empty, and you’ll probably shoot yourself before the end credits roll.

One thing that’s worth mentioning is a totally gratuitous nude scene with Angel Boris.  We get to see her take a bath, so it’s instructional for those who don’t understand the process.  Since she was a Playboy Playmate, she’s a professional naked-getter.  It’s not like those movies where some girl just takes her shoes off and goes, “I’m naked!”  Ms. Boris actually takes all of her clothes off, as only a true pro could do.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mxkWjbMnKpA