REVIEW: Boa vs. Python (2004)

boa_vs_python

Boa Vs. Python: C

You thought it was pretty cool when The Avengers took characters from various franchises and put them all together in one movie?  I bet you did think that.  Well, let me tell you something.  You’re a stupid-ass.  Why?  Lots of reasons, probably, but the key one being that it had been done nearly a decade before!

That’s right.  Remember the sublime Boa from 2001 and the transcendent Python from 2000?  Of course you do.  Those were your favorite movies.  You never imagined in your wildest dreams that Boa Vs. Python would ever happen.  In fact, you were so certain that such a thing could not be that you subconsciously blocked its release from your memory.  You made absolutely no note of this, thinking that you couldn’t handle something that would make your face split open with mind-blowing, jizz-inducing, herpe-tainment.

So, you’re welcome, as I’m happy to remind you of what’s probably the best crossover one could have possibly made with this concept.  “But Dick,” you’re saying, “What if I haven’t seen either of the two previous films?”  Don’t worry yourself, as I was able to follow it just fine.  I don’t even recall any references to the previous two movies.  Exposition fans will not be disappointed though, as the script is sure to provide us with a scientist who explains the shit out of whatever’s happening.

This is an entertaining film to watch with a bunch of friends where you mock the dialogue and cheesy special effects.  If you watch it by yourself, you’ll realize that your life must be pretty empty, and you’ll probably shoot yourself before the end credits roll.

One thing that’s worth mentioning is a totally gratuitous nude scene with Angel Boris.  We get to see her take a bath, so it’s instructional for those who don’t understand the process.  Since she was a Playboy Playmate, she’s a professional naked-getter.  It’s not like those movies where some girl just takes her shoes off and goes, “I’m naked!”  Ms. Boris actually takes all of her clothes off, as only a true pro could do.

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