Hendrickson was cool enough to do Pumpkinhead 1, then he was too big to do Pumpkinhead 2, then he got washed up enough to do Pumpkinhead 3, which happens to be a SCI-fi original series, which usually means automatic shitfest. PHATA wasn’t that bad, relatively speaking; PH2: “Bloodwings” was so goddamn dumb that I treat it like Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 3: Turtles in Time and pretend that it never happened.
This film is more like the first film in that there is a small town and a “deal with the devil” setup that summons Pumpkinhead to get his vengeance-based killing spree on. Just like before, when the townsfolk start to realize what they’ve gotten themselves into, ol’ Pumpkinhead is well into his massacre and they see that they can’t do anything about it except hope that he doesn’t give them a back-breaker.
They actually get a dude dressed up in an elaborate costume to slaughter people instead of rendering a CGI PH for the whole movie, which was good. The CGI parts look CGUgly. Which was bad. Like “how did they have the audacity to show us that?” bad. There is this one scene where he’s climbing up the side of a church and it looks like a Windows ’95 screensaver.
The make-up was really good for a made-for-TV flick like this and the gore was unrelenting and surprisingly graphic. You’d have fun watching it with people. He’s called “Pumpkinhead,” why? His head doesn’t look like a pumpkin. If anything, it looks like the head of a rancor with a little extra skull space. In PHATA, they make him smile a lot like he is really into all the slaughter. So, a happy rancor.
There’s something to say for balancing pairs like horror and comedy or disturbing and sexy. And this movie strikes just the right balance because the violence is mostly psychological and ALL of it is directed at children. Which this movie proves CAN be funny when done right.
The main character is this woman named Joan Crawford. She is played by Faye Dunaway, who you might remember from Supergirl and Halle Berry’s Catwoman movie. Anyway, it’s a fictionalized version of 40’s Hollywood, and Joan Crawford is a big star. This movie really conveys the time period well because they talk about other stars and movies that I KNOW really did exist. Another nice touch is when Joan Crawford wins an Oscar, they actually mention the real films and actresses who were nominated the year in which this is supposed to be.
She’s got hella problems, though. One of my favorite scenes of her crazy is in the beginning. Joan Crawford is yelling at her maid to clean the dirt off the floor better than the way the maid is doing it. Then she just pushes the maid out of the way and gets down on her knees and starts vigorously scrubbing while yelling “I’M NOT MAD AT YOU, I’M MAD AT THE DIRT!!!”. This scene is really disturbing, but also kind of a turn on-which speaks of the deft direction of whoever directed it.
Then she adopts some kids. Just about the age they can talk, she starts psychologically torturing them. She also makes them eat raw steak because cooked steak loses all its vitamins.
And then her career gets worse, so she marries this rich, fat guy and makes him spend all his money.
She also somehow takes over Pepsi-Cola by just being a bitch to some guys who run it.
It all comes to a head when she tries to strangle her adopted daughter after the daughter gets kicked out of her private school for banging some dude in the barn. Because Joan Crawford’s embarrassed.
After she dies, the daughter decides to write a book about Joan Crawford called “Mommie Dearest” and the movie is supposed to be like, all the stuff she’s going to put in the book. So it’s very Meta, and scary as well, and none of the acting is in any way over the top.
And it’s educational. I learned that steak thing. It works with bacon too.
Socrates: Glaucon, can you guess the reason I had selected 1988’s 976-EVIL for us to view tonight?
Glaucon: I’m not sure, Socrates.
Socrates: Another question, then: We have been roommates for some time, yes?
Glaucon: For many years Socrates.
Socrates: And do you remember in 1988 when our phone bill was inordinately high due to some mysterious charges for numerous hours with 976 numbers?
Glaucon: I… well… we’ve – we’ve been over this, Socrates! Epicurus was the one who called those numbers, not me! I would never –
Socrates: Ah, Glaucon, see how you jump to your own defense so suddenly?! Are you certain it was not you who sought the forbidden knowledge these numbers promised? Might it be that “Epicurus” is but a figment of your imagination, a veil you employ to conceal your own transgressions? How is it I’ve never met him?
Glaucon: Socrates, I assure you, my words ring true. Epicurus was a dear friend who became ensnared in the siren’s call of those seductive digits. I merely bore witness to his unfortunate descent! I would never –
Socrates: Pray Glaucon, let us not dwell on your sexual perversions any longer! I tire of this pitiable game and, quite frankly, feel sickened by your lies. Rather, let us delve into the nature of this film, 976-EVIL, if you are able to calm yourself and suppress your temper, that is. The title suggests a connection to those infamous phone sex lines from the past. Yet, it appears that the movie does not explore many sexual connotations. Why do you think there is a misalignment between the film’s title and its content?
Glaucon:Perhaps the filmmakers sought to entice viewers with the allure of the supernatural, Socrates. For example, they may have intentionally employed the misleading cover art – the long-haired devilish phantom on the cover – to captivate the audience’s attention.
Socrates: Ah, so you believe that the movie manipulates the viewers’ expectations through deceptive marketing strategies! But let us explore the actual premise, unless you believe it will inspire you to become too aroused for speech.
Glaucon: Aroused?! How dare you! I happen to –
Socrates: Curb your violent lust, Glaucon, and recall with me how the film portrays a scenario where calling the titular number leads to encounters with Satan and the acquisition of demonic powers. Is this portrayal effective in creating a sense of tension and intrigue?
Glaucon: I don’t believe so, Socrates. The execution falls short of expectations. The movie predominantly focuses on building suspense between each kill, failing to establish a strong connection with the characters while more attention is paid to subtle changes in make-up effects for the accursed lead. The premise itself appears rather foolish and lacks the desired impact.
Socrates: Glaucon, I cannot help but sense a touch of guilt behind your eyes while you discuss this film centered on a haunted phone sex line, as if the dark secrets of Epicurus might be none other than a shadow cast by your own actions.
Glaucon: Socrates, I beseech you to believe my words. Epicurus, is a creation of imagination? Is the embodiment of another’s transgressions? These are foolish theories. I stand blameless in this tale of 976 numbers and was but a concerned observer while my dear friend destroyed himself.
Socrates: Denial is the enemy of the philosopher, Glaucon as it conditions us to avoid confronting the truth. Now let us reflect on the implications of the film’s ridiculous plot. The protagonist, a rather abused nerd, succumbs to the allure of 976-EVIL and seeks vengeance against his tormentors. In doing so, he becomes a vessel for evil as we see the consequences of dialing those sinister and expensive numbers. The deaths by claws and spiders and the possessed room reminiscent of the most famous scene from Evil Dead 2 are most memorable. These are the elements that shape the narrative, but still, the question remains—what dark subtext lies hidden beneath the surface? Can we discern any philosophical lessons from this narrative if we delve deeper?
Glaucon: It appears to be a simple cautionary tale, Socrates, warning against the temptations of power and the consequences of surrendering oneself to darkness and phone sex-related temptations. The film conveys the notion that the pursuit of revenge can lead to the loss of one’s soul and the realization of the futility of violence.
Socrates: Indeed, Glaucon, there is wisdom in your interpretation! Revenge, it seems, is a path that ultimately leads to one’s own destruction. However, I cannot help but notice a peculiar connection between the film’s themes and the experiences of your “friend.” Might there be more to the cautionary tale here? Could it be that the movie indirectly alludes to the perils of indulging expensive sexual telephone activities that affect one’s roommates?
Glaucon: Socrates, while the film’s portrayal of the consequences of phone sex addiction is gripping, I assure you that my involvement in such matters is purely observational. My dear friend was to blame for the phone bill. I believe we are again drifting from our philosophical purpose by dwelling on –
Socrates: Then it is settled, Glaucon. 976-EVIL, while quite lackluster in its delivery, begs us to consider the consequences of indulging in hours of phone sex at the expense of our loved ones. Our souls hang on the precipice while our late-night exploits – like the ones of your… friend – prove to be more costly than beneficial. I am glad to see we agree so fully and hope you will seek professional help for your embarrassing sex addiction, before we discuss the sequel, Glaucon.
Oh, wow! The title is awesome! What could go wrong with this movie? I’ll tell you exactly what could go wrong and it is going to be too fucking easy to do so.
First of all: There’s no Blood Orgy. The movie is rated PG, something I noticed on the VHS sleeve after viewing the film. The entire thing is just some idiots in a haunted house in California where a sorceress threatens over and over to sacrifice them and she does some voodoo to some guy who looks like Joe Spinell’s clone. Does she subject them to a depraved blood orgy? Nope. Well, how about a regular orgy? No. How about anything sexual at all? No, sir. Not even so much as a kiss. Instead, people get endlessly threatened and the audience drowns in who-gives-a-fuck exposition about ancient witchcraft lore that sounds like it was written by a ten year-old who just learned the word “orgy”. Some professor says the words “The Blood Orgy of the She-Devils” and that’s about as close as you get. The next time you feel disappointed in a movie, just remember some asshole made Blood Orgy of the She-Devils and there isn’t any blood, orgies, or blood orgies in this PG-rated garbage.
Next, let’s talk about the She-Devils. Again, the title and grindhouse cover art would lead one to believe that the She-Devils would be at least mildly sexual and perhaps provide, at the very least, some brief ocular relief from this dumpster fire of a film. Wrong. They don’t do shit. They stare at people and vanish anti-climatically to cheesy Bewitched style blips and sparkles while what looks like a dozen flashlight beams zig-zag on the wall. They are barely in the goddamn move at all and when they are, you barely notice. Their big scene is one where they sit on the floor and chant together while one She-Devil dances. Maybe this is the blood orgy? I dunno.
The kills are pathetic. We get: a CGI burning at the cross, a weak as FUCK strangulation scene, and some other kills that will make you wish you would soil yourself so you could have an excuse to get off the sofa.
There is sub-Dolomite production quality and acting. The only thing this movie would be good for is melting several copies down, forming the plastic into a hammer and then using the hammer to break every remaining copy on Earth.
This is why I watch bundles of horror movies, to find diamonds in the rough that surprise with a good story, good gore and and at least average acting.
Stitches is an overweight alcoholic clown that despises children and lives in a trailer on the outskirts of Ireland. At Tommy’s 11th birthday party Stitches is being tormented by a group of snotty children who eventually end up killing him when they tie his shoelaces together and he face plants onto a knife. Later that evening Tommy is spying on the graveyard with his telescope and he sees a group of clowns laying stitches to rest. It is here where we learn the great secret: no clown can rest peacefully if he does not finish a party! Flash forward 6 years and Tommy and the rest of the brats are in high school getting ready for a party at Tommy’s house. It is here where Stitches gets his revenge as he hunts down the kids who tormented him one by one.
This movie has everything you could ask for in a low budget horror film. The killer’s motivation makes sense and is not too far fetched. The victims are at a centralized location and there is an abundance of fresh meat. The kills are violent, evenly spaced, and unique. Examples include a guy getting his head soccer kicked off, and a kid getting his brains scooped out with an ice cream scooper. Most importantly however, the movie had a good pace. Most low budget horror films have way too much filler and down time. Stitches kept moving and kept the viewer engrossed throughout the film.
Recommended if your looking for a really good, unique horror film.
Another VHS gem that I scored for 99 cents. The guy who directed this movie, which should basically be called “What if Johnny-5 from Short Circuit Wanted to Kill Us All?” went on to direct some abysmal Hillary Duff movies that blow worse than this. I watched like one minute of the trailer for one, so I can stand behind the preceding statement. Evolver’s plot could actually be the plot of a children’s movie and work just fine.
A nerdy, friendless computer geek uses his hacking skills to win at a laser tag videogame and he scores a free robot (Evolver) with whom to play laser tag-like games with in real life. He never saw Weird Science so he didn’t know that hacking leads to abominations of technology. The robot looks just like Johnny-5 only clunkier and shittier to fit this clunkier, shittier film. Each time the robot is defeated, it used super-advanced AI to “evolve” and deduce the vulnerabilities of its opponents so it can hopefully exploit weaknesses and win the next round of game play, kind of like an ex-girlfriend.
Evolver is programmed to never lose, so it starts using weapons to murder the children who try to play with it, believing this is the only way to truly “win.” Some weapons are improvised while others have been inside of Evolver all along including a flamethrower and some serious hydraulics. This results in some hilarious B-movie kills as Evolver starts assuming every person with whom it comes into contact is an “opponent”. There is always some monotone robotic narration preceding the kill. My favorite is when a jock gets a metal ball shot through his skull at 100mph while he fucks with Evolver in the locker room.
Maybe you are wondering why the robot, that some nerd won because he’s a nerd, has super-advanced artificial intelligence, sci-fi style weapons systems, and homicidal programming. After you have been wondering that for most of the movie, the little boy computer nerd starts wondering too and goes to the Cyberdynesque company called Cybertronix that created Evolver. Turns out, there is no conspiracy, just human incompetence. The super-powerful killer robot was just an accident. “Okay, thanks!” the nerd basically says and then he goes home to battle Evolver.
Then there are lasers and a final battle. The kid does the Fistful of Dollars trick. There is some very physics-defying destruction and an abrupt end. This movie reeks of 1990’s clichés, so prepare yourself; cowabunga, dude. All in all pretty entertaining.
I really wrote a longer review for this because I’d like to officially be the person who has written the most about Elves on the internet. After about 2 minutes of research, I think I am. I finally accomplished something.
Like most Christmas films, this movie follows the story of a few close friends and their inadvertent involvement in a neo-Nazi plot for world domination. Turns out, Hitler didn’t really want a blond, blue-eyed master race. He actually envisioned a world populated by elf-human hybrids. And just to be clear, the elves we get in the movie are not Aryan-looking sexy elves like Legolas; the elves in this movie are monsters that look like a mixture of Gremlins who eat after midnight and the monster that Shatner saw fucking up the plane in The Twilight Zone. Actually, there aren’t any elves. There is just a single elf. He materializes when a young girl named Kristen spills her blood in the woods on Christmas.
Kristen has the misfortune of being the last pure-blooded Aryan virgin in the world who accidentally takes place in a Satanic blood-ceremony on Christmas. She also has a Nazi grandpa who, through some Nazi-encouraged incest, is also her dad. Don’t ask me why this was a straight-to-VHS release that never got pressed to DVD. It’s like a Days of Our Lives meets Critters Christmas special with R-rated gore and incest. Jeez, the acting is rough too; I’ve seen better stuff on those mattress commercials where some lady cringes and rubs her hunched back for a while because she has been sleeping on an inferior mattress.
The elf who was summoned during the accidental blood-ritual (these things happen) murders a Santa at the mall and an alcoholic, freshly evicted (from the trailer park) Grizzly Adams becomes the new Santa. See, every cloud has a silver lining. There is a great scene where he brushes his teeth while holding a cigarette, taking a shot right after, so you know what kind of a dude he is. No one is going to believe this poor bastard once the elf-Nazi shit hits the elf-Nazi fan.
Some pretty boring and sometimes mildly amusing stuff happens. There are some elf shenanigans punctuating the characters’ feeble attempts to comprehend this fucking mess of a back story. I don’t get how they do it, but Grizz and Kristen figure out what’s going on and they team up with her incest (grand)father, who is now a good Nazi, to battle the elf and the bad Nazis. The bad Nazis want the elf and Kristen to bone and have a baby so they can use the offspring to start that elf-human hybrid world domination thing. The bad Nazis and Elf lose but there is a closing shot of an Elf fetus just in case you felt like you knew what was going on for a second.
I bet if they made a sequel to this movie today, it would be about “terrorists” trying to get the girl to make an elf-“terrorist” baby so they could populate the world with elf-“terrorist” hybrids. Then a bunch of people would see the movie and claim that it’s a war on Christmas or something and then certain theaters wouldn’t carry it and they would probably just have to release it on VHS because most of the people who would want to see it are the same people who still watch VHS movies like the original Nazi-based Elves who were also hoping for some closure from the whole fetus thing. Plus, they would probably release the original Elves on DVD to get people excited about Elves 2: Elf-“Terrorist”. So, I guess it’s a good idea that there are no plans to make a sequel. I dunno. I just confused myself.
Apparently, the director of this movie was commissioned to make a run-of-the-mill exploitation slasher flick with a budget of $110K and less than a month for shooting. What he made instead was a profoundly twisted psychological study of the mind of a murderous sociopath. People who watch this movie expecting to see meaningless carnage and boobs are going to be surprised to find that it is an actual movie… with carnage and boobs.
Henry, played by Michael Rooker, whom everyone likes to J-O over since his role on The Walking Dead, is a wandering serial killer who currently lives in a shitty apartment with his prison buddy, Otis and Otis’s sister Becky. Early in the film, we are given clues about how great of a serial killer Henry is. The film opens with a montage of freshly murdered corpses rotting in broad daylight in various locations, suggesting that Henry has been crafty enough to pull off a string of daytime killings in various locales without being caught. Oh, all the corpses are women, by the way.
The film then shows us two sides of Henry; when Henry hangs out with Otis he is an evil fuck. He commits a double murder in front of him which simultaneously worries and fascinates Otis. Henry then begins mentoring Otis as his serial killer understudy and they go on a super-wicked killing spree together. When he is with Otis’s sister however, he is apparently frail and kind. The two bond over childhood traumas and soon grow attached. Lots of tasty daddy/mommy issues here as well as neck-vein inducing tension; we keep remembering the montage of dead girls every time Henry and Becky are alone. Giving us this vulnerable side to Henry and juxtaposing it with his reptilian personality make him a really memorable round character and it creates a lot of suspense in the film.
Otis gets REALLY into murdering. Henry shares with Otis (and the audience) all the tricks to efficient killing and avoiding detection/capture. The most important rules seem to be 1) maintain a nomadic lifestyle and 2) ensure each killing has a different apparent motive / type of victim. The matter-of-fact way in which an efficient method for killing is explained, like the steps to a cake recipe, is chilling. Maybe the most famous / fucked up scene in the film is where Henry and Otis murder a family, film it, and then kick it and watch the footage and react as if they are watching Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, really hammering home the point that the most important “ingredient” for this recipe is a sociopathic inability to feel remorse.
The ending is so fucked up and great. I have no problem ruining shitty movies for you. For example, in Devil, the old lady is the Devil. See? Who cares? In Dark Skies, the older brother was the one whom the aliens had been visiting and intending to abduct. Fuck it. You have to check out Henry, though. I won’t spoil it.
BLOODCRYPT 