an ok horror movie that’s a little bit better than most horror reboots, but still not really a ‘good’ movie. i would probably be more lenient with it if it wasn’t such a typical horror movie that almost abuses the ‘evil dead’ name. i’m sure kids in high school are telling each other that it’s the goriest movie they’ll ever see and i’m sure raimi and campbell are in suits after the premiere shaking hands thinking they accomplished tastefully cashing in on an old brand. but as good of a horror movie as it is, it’s just too conventional, too lukewarm, too ordinary of a horror movie that makes me sad that it’s an evil dead.
sam raimi’s directing in the original series is what sticks out most in my mind as a breath of fresh air in the horror genre. it seemed campy for campy sake. the script was genius in its off kilter comedy and cheesy one liners, but none of that could have worked if raimi hadn’t shot it the way he did. fede alvarez was given the helm because of his exceptional work on short films that no one has seen. his not so subtle homages to raimi’s original directing style were almost irritating because you would want more of it amid his charmless own directing style. it’s like hearing the ice cream truck a street over but it doesn’t come down your street.
some of the logic issues were annoying as well, but i won’t get too into that. sure demonic possession and it’s a horror movie are great excuses for suspension of disbelief. but i mean, all sorts of questions popped in my head as soon as i saw that nail gun. what the fuck is its history at the cabin? did the thieves bring it with them or forget to steal it? considering it’s probably worth more than anything else there. it couldn’t have been there for that long since cordless nail guns are a relatively new technology…
all in all i probably took this movie too personal since it’s ironically stamping on sacred grounds. and i’d like to think that i’ll check out the unrated version eventually, but i probably won’t, since i doubt they edited out personality and the nail guns origins.
This is a documentary about the American horror film featuring exclusive interviews with John Carpenter, George Romero, and numerous other horror icons and contributors. Great interviews and insightful commentary on some of my favorites. Traces horror from silent film all the way to modern hits like Saw and Hostel.
There are clips from hundreds of horror films and any horror fan will appreciate the elevated dialogue on the genre. Fans like me can admit that guilty pleasures lie in low budget slasher flicks and monster gore-fests, but we know that there is artistic merit and deep social commentary to be found in many works of horror; some of the best horror movies are the ones that make us cringe at the same time we realize that we are viewing a reflection of our own society’s shortcomings.
Lance Hendrickson narrates this odyssey and I can honestly say I was actively interested the whole time. Whether you are a fan of horror or just want a crash course before diving into the genre, you should see this immediately.
Here, we have one of those films that tries to tap a very niche audience by taking a classic horror concept and making it extremely XXX sexual.
Alexis Texas is a voluptuous porn star in real life who plays a voluptuous lab worker who aggressively wags her ass around at her myopic boss until they can’t help themselves and they start pounding away in an office building which also houses a laboratory that is conducting some classified genetics-tampering weapons campaign.
In some of Ms. Texas’s other films, this would be what the whole movie is about and then it would end. But this is the 80 minutes long Bloodlust Zombies, so they have to have some other stuff in there besides that pounding.
The Alexis Texas pounding was an inevitable part of the movie that showcases her talents from adult film, but the scene is also brilliant foreshadowing for the magnitude of irresponsibility of people who work in this fucking building. The scientists fuck up and accidentally release a virus and Alexis Texas’s colleagues turn into “bloodlust zombies,” very cheap-looking undead with an appetite for brains and (I’m serious) sex. They are sort of like the zombies in Shivers but they are more biters than they are rapers.
Alexis Texas runs around and screams while zombies try to molest and/or eat her for about an hour. There are some bad jokes. That’s pretty much it.
There is some Teen Ape level production and some extremely feeble carnage. The zombies succeed with some hideous (because of how cheap it looks) molest-murder combos and Texas does her job: scream, squirm in terror, and work up the courage to start chopping up zombies. You probably expected her to suck in this movie, but she is actually no worse than many actresses who play her archetype.
F, but I have seen much worse. Just watch the trailer and you can probably skip the movie…
Dear Reader, I feel blinded by my own rage. I find myself, straining as if against the full force of the arch-fiend and a legion of his most terrible ghouls, straining to an extraordinary degree to fathom a motion picture more entrenched in the realm of predictability, more predestined to be perceived as a pathetic cash-grab prequel. Dare I invoke the lamentable specter of “X-Men Origins: Wolverine”? Or, heaven forbid, “The Scorpion King”? Alas, “The Thing” (2011), in its pitiable attempt to instill dread through unexpected assaults from the entirely computer-generated Thing, wallows in a mire of abject failure. It was only through the most passionate restraint that your humble Keeper did not pierce both of his eyes with red hot pokers!
Gone, oh how painfully gone! is the disquietude and the provocative political allegory that adorned Carpenter’s original masterpiece. Absolutely gone without a blasted trace! In their stead, we are subjected to a barrage of hollow jump-scares and an unyielding void of substance. The so-called scientists inhabiting their Arctic fortress are swiftly confronted by the Thing’s shapeshifting ploys, plunging headlong into the same maddening and deadly chess game that their predecessors from the far superior 1982 film once played. One must tell friend from alien foe to survive: Futile attempt follows futile attempt with the doomed scientists each succumbing to various deluges of CGI-induced torment.
And what of pacing for our chilly arctic thriller?! Here, in the festering anus of 2011 cinema, the frenzied pace obliterates any semblance of genuine suspense or building tension. The supposed “scares” amount to naught but a relentless onslaught of computer-generated nonsense absolutely bereft of the insidious art of psychological and cellular infiltration. And lo, at intervals of approximately twenty minutes – a cruel stretch of time between each sequence of excruciatingly insipid dialogue and mind-numbing exposition! – we are graced with a mandatory jump-scare! A jump-scare drenched in Nintendo-like visual effects, Dear Reader!
I spoke before of my own contemplation of blinding by iron, but during this wretched viewing, I was blinded by celluloid rage! My eyes, blurred by a potent mixture of fury and disillusionment, strained to find solace in the CGI-infested monstrosities. There is a complete absence of Carpenter’s enchanting touch! Do we not reminisce, with a heavy heart, the animatronic marvels that once graced our screens? The decapitated spider-heads and the contorted caterpillar-torsos, dancing on screen like enchanting sugar-plum fairies before being engulfed in the flames of Kurt Russell’s captivating prowess and sizable flamethrower? There is nothing to see, Dear Reader. Only darkness to strain into until death. All who dare to explore the abyss of “The Thing” 2011: Brace yourself for an inexorable descent into this visual desolation.
Yes Dear Reader, the special effects on display invoke the woeful standards set by the “Anaconda” franchise, but what of this story? Alas, the screenplay, laden with the banality of a pedestrian soap opera, fails to evoke even a modicum of artistic merit. Indeed, I dare say, I have endured greater suspense while partaking in the mundane affairs of “General Hospital,” a favorite of my dear mother’s, which I often watched intently by her side. How maddening it is to behold even the trailer for this film, wherein three characters succumb to the insidious clutches of the Thing, thus rendering any semblance of surprise within the film itself utterly nonexistent. In all fairness, I must concede that the scribe of this dreadful mistake of a film did also pen the screenplay for the fantastic film “Arrival,” and because of this, I extend to him my respect and admiration despite this unfortunate 2011 lapse.
As one who deeply loves Carpenter’s film, I cannot help but ponder the hypothetical scenario wherein those involved in the production of this film exhibited even a microscopic regard for the source material from which it was derived. Alas, I can only envision a director, perhaps a disciple of Michael Bay, striding onto the set on the fateful days of filming, with a dismissive remark of the likes of, “So, this creature, is it akin to a monstrous blob of sorts? Well, this will be cake, old chaps! Let’s be quick, now!” before rolling the cameras and commencing desecration. Such a despicable image haunts my tortured mind. It is a ghastly reminder that the film, despite its R rating, adheres to the soulless structure of a cookie-cutter PG-13 profit-generating apparatus, surpassing even the Playstation 2 “The Thing” video game – a favorite of my dear mother’s, which I often played intensely by her side – in its absence of cogitation and labor.
I cannot say I recommend this film to any sane man who hopes to retain the will to draw breath.
What do you do when you want to make a werewolf movie, but you are in a country that does not have wolves? The answer is simple: Change Werewolf to Kangaroo and BAM: you have a shitty, Australian version of the Howling.
The story revolves around this idiot who is from some tribe in the outskirts of Australia, and every time she hears loud music she transforms into a werewolf-kangaroo. Eventually she escapes the tribe and heads into the city only to be chased down by other werewolf-kangaroos. What follows are some of the worst human to werewolf transformations ever recorded on film, and some of the worst fake werewolf suits ever. The kills were actually all right considering how awful every other aspect of the film was. After 90 minutes with no conclusion I was so tired that I just turned it off despite it having 10 minutes left.
BLOODCRYPT 