Chernobyl Diaries (2012): D

Every horror junkie sits through his fair share of poorly-reviewed garbage hoping to find a diamond in the rough.  Since Oren Peli’s name was attached to this, and I’m such a fan of his Paranormal Activity movies, I gave it a shot, although the Dish Network info screen had it scored as 1.5 starts.  Maybe this one flew under the radar?

Nope.  It’s shit.  Worse, it’s boring shit.  Zero suspense, no sense of danger, and although it’s not a found footage movie, it’s shot in the same minimalist style.  You know the drill: It’s dark, the camera’s shaky, lots of screams then cutaways.  This approach means that even by the end of the movie, I’m still not sure what I was supposed to be scared of, other than some wild dogs that do damage in the daytime.  But I don’t find German fucking shepherds creepy.

Oh, there is a part with a bear.  That was kinda cool, I guess.

The only intriguing thing about this snoozefest is the premise: Dumb American kids (along with an Auzzie dude and Norwegian chick) sign on for an “extreme tour” of the town next to Chernobyl that was hastily evacuated after the reactor meltdown.  You would think that would make for some cool mutant shit, but you’d be wrong.  I guess the things hunting the dumbfuck Americans are mutants, but you never see them clearly enough to shit your pants about them.

The one halfway cool scene is in the trailer.  So watch that instead, and thank ol’ Dr. Loomis for saving you an hour and 25 minutes, you ungrateful fucks.