Author Archives: BloodCrypt Keeper

REVIEW: Children of the Corn (1984)

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Children of the Corn: C-

I rented this when I was like thirteen and stopped watching after about thirteen boring minutes. After multiple attempts over several years, I’ve finally mustered up the attention span to finish it.

You already know what this is about; come on.

Linda Hamilton and her 80’s-as-fuck boyfriend decide to go on a road trip and make the mistake of driving through Nebraska. There’s nothing but corn and fundamentalist AM radio.

A dying kid stumbles out of a corn field in front of their car and they squish him. They make the genius decision to throw his corpse in their car and drive around with it. This leads them to a creepy adult-less town populated by a cult of murderous juveniles.

The movie is a fairly significant departure from the original Stephen King source material. In the short story, the kids all dress like Quakers and worship a demon who actually murders Linda Hamilton’s boyfriend. The kids execute the story-Linda Hamilton via sacrificial crucifixion. Some kids die too, through stabbing and sacrifice to the demon. The demon is the clear winner in the story. The adults are all dead and a flock of kids sacrifice themselves to it.

In the movie, there’s no badass murderous demon. There’s only something burrowing underground like a fucking tremor from Tremors. Linda Hamilton and her boyfriend survive thanks to the assistance of some rascally child cult dissenters. In the movie, the actual cult leader, Isaac, is sacrificed (as is his rebellious lieutenant). There is a huge build up that culminates in an 80’s CGI shit-fest and Issac is swallowed by a blob of orange saturation. Instead of the demon fucking everyone up, he just burrows underground like a fucking mole while Linda Hamilton’s boyfriend rigs the cornfield to blow.

There’s non-stop cardboard child acting and some seriously ugly child cult members who would benefit greatly by learning to breathe through their noses. I really dig the commentary on fundamentalism and the dangers of indoctrination. The story and movie both have a Lord of the Flies and Shirley Jackson vibe but the film execution is stale as fuck.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9kQUAFG6XwQ

 

REVIEW: Silver Bullet (1985)

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Silver Bullet: C-

A crippled kid has to convince Gary Busey, his alcoholic uncle, that a werewolf is behind all the murders in their little redneck town. You can imagine how difficult this would be for the kid to accomplish since crippled kids probably want all sorts of special attention all the time and adults in his life, like Busey, are all but conditioned to drink more whenever he opens his crippled little mouth to tell his crippled little stories. Like all kids in horror movies who figure out who the monster is, he sounds like a raving dumbfuck every time he tries to explain his theories. Plus, all Busey wants to do is drink Wild Turkey 101 and sing anti-Union Civil War songs. It’s clear he loves his crippled nephew, but his monster obsession is a real buzz-kill.

This is a Stephen King movie, so if that matters to you, there you go. The werewolf looks pretty cool but he keeps slaughtering people in a disappointingly non-werewolf manner. Here’s what I mean:

1. When the sheriff (John Locke from Lost) gets wise to what’s going on, the werewolf… beats him with a baseball bat.

2. The werewolf breaks into a young girl’s bedroom and… throws her against the wall.

3. The werewolf hides in a redneck’s greenhouse and… impales the guy on a broken floorboard.

The movie is funny as hell and has basically every ugly thing from the 1980’s you could think of. The soundtrack is entirely horror synth stabs and 80’s butt-rock. At times, you’d swear you were watching The Goonies or Karate Kid. The cripple has a motorized wheelchair which he later swaps for a WHEELCHAIR/MOTORCYCLE HYBRID. He does wheelies and cheers during a four minute long butt-rock sequence.

Busey’s acting is cranked to level-11; you can almost see the coke dumping out of his pores and his neck veins look like fucking tree roots. So fun to watch. There’s also a priest with an eye-patch and unlimited expendable rednecks who drink Red Stripe with the labels ripped off.

There is a werewolf showdown at the end and, yes, there is a silver bullet involved.

REVIEW: Curse of Chucky (2013)

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Curse of Chucky: D-

FINALLY! What we’ve all been waiting for: an un-funny, un-scary installment in the Child’s Play series where Chucky’s facial expressions are computer generated and the writers are lazier than a baboon in an opium den.

Chucky is fucking FED-EXed to some cripple and her mom who live in a gloomy Victorian mansion. Cue: Child’s Play formula. The house fills with victims, a storm knocks out the power grid, and Chucky murders them one by one while pretending to be a harmless doll. You drown in predictable dramatic irony. Chucky tells horrible jokes as he kills people. Same old schtick. It’s like you’re watching a Leprechaun movie.

In horror movies, the protagonist can spend an hour in a library and, presto: They are vampire/werewolf/zombie/mummy/whatever experts. Even though there is no power, the cripple manages to use the internet and, in five measly minutes, she becomes a goddamn Child’s Play-ologist and deduces that Chucky is alive and really a serial killer. She even develops a psychological profile of Chucky based on the intricacies of his murders.

If she is so goddamn smart and resourceful, why is she still living with her mom?

This movie also includes some of the fucking laziest writing I’ve ever seen when it comes to kills. Here’s how Chucky kills one guy: He pushes the cripple’s wheelchair at him really hard. He apparently pushes it so hard that this full grown man does a forward-flip and is somehow immobilized long enough to watch Chucky wield a knife and tell a half dozen jokes in a row before cutting the guy’s jaw off.

At least it isn’t a prequel or a reboot. And Grima Wormtongue still does Chucky’s voice (he is even in the movie during a flash-back sequence). So, it’s got that going for it. Jennifer Tilly shows up and obnoxiously wags her breasts around. I’m going to say that 90% of her lines are puns.

If you’re like me, and you’ll watch anything, check this one out. You’ll see everything coming but maybe you’ll be nostalgic enough to stay awake.

REVIEW: Forbidden World (1982)

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Forbidden World (1982): D+

It was exhausting trying to keep up with this movie’s endless unoriginality. If you showed the movie Alien to a 13 year-old boy and asked him to rewrite the movie to include boobs and laser pistols, he would give you Forbidden World.

The movie starts with a Power Ranger looking robot defrosting some guy named Commander Cody from deep stasis sleep so he can defend their spaceship in an outer space laser battle. Cody is a scruffy anti-hero; he makes some wise cracks, stumbles groggily to the control booth, and performs some evasive/laser action that will make you have an epileptic seizure.

Surprise: he rescues the ship all nonchalantly and fucking blasts off into hyper space like a smirking badass.

Cody is summoned to a deep space research vessel to help some scientists contain a mutagenic organism that is loose on the ship. The scientists, two babes and four douche bags, claim the organism has a metabolic rate “fifty times faster than any known organism on Earth.” Wouldn’t that mean it would need to eat like every fucking five minutes or die? Before you can even fathom that mystery, you have to divert your attention to the plagiarism avalanche headed your way.

Check it out Alien fans: the mutant first appears in a cocoon state until it suddenly hatches and launches a face-hugging assault on some dude’s – who looks like Emilio Estavez – skull. Estavez spasms gruesomely and his body is slowly dissolved by the mutant’s digestive enzymes. The mutant, then small in size, travels the ship slaughtering personnel and rapidly growing in size until it looks EXACTLY LIKE THE FUCKING ALIEN FROM GODDAMN FUCKING ALIEN mixed with the man-eating plant from Little Shop of Horrors. They use motion-sensor based radar to track the mutant while aboard the ship.

Cody finds time to bang the babe scientists (in two separate scenes). There is Carpenter-esque synth music the whole time. The women take a shower together for some reason.

There is a really strange scene where the mutant “patches” itself into the ship’s computer system. It just sits in the control room for like half an hour and they are afraid to kill it because then it might initiate a self-destruct on the ship or cut off the oxygen supply. One of the babes logs into a computer and FUCKING CHATS with the mutant! They type back and forth with each other and the mutant triggers the ship’s PA to play a very lame 1980’s sounding synth-rock song just for her. Then it suddenly disengages and continues its killing spree.

In the end, Cody performs stomach surgery on a scientist and removes a volleyball sized tumor which he makes the mutant eat. The mutant pukes a bunch and is defeated. The audience pukes a bunch and is defeated.

The makeup effects for gore were pretty good. Everything else: not so good.

REVIEW: Hollow Man (2000)

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Hollow Man: C+

I love Kevin Bacon. Other than James Woods, no one can play a scumbag like him. Imagine a world where Kevin Bacon is a scientist who creates a potion that can turn him invisible. Now imagine that when he becomes invisible, he goes on a raping/bludgeoning spree and laughs a lot. Now, watch this: PRESTO! You have just imagined up Hollow Man. 

The film was defecated on by critics but it has a lot going for it. It was directed by the guy who did Total Recall, Robocop, and Starship Troopers. The special effects were nominated for an Oscar. There’s one scene where Bacon and his scientist buddies inject a gorilla with chemicals to make it invisible. The chemicals don’t work all the way and we are treated to a half-invisible gorilla that looks like a transparent rendering from a zoology textbook with its half-invisible circulatory system and half-invisible gorilla dong hanging out. It’s pretty fucked up.

Then Bacon injects himself with a modified formula and we get all the raping/bludgeoning that you got all excited about when you read about it in my introductory paragraph, you sick fuck. Bacon’s vanishing is all dramatic like the gorilla scene and there’s exposed circulatory system / exposed Bacon dong. He sneaks into houses and rapes up a storm culminating in his unscrupulous murder of his victims and Bacony snickering.

They never explain if his perviness is a side-effect from the invisibility juice (which slowly makes you crazy) or if he was just mad with power and down to do some rape. You’ll have to draw your own conclusions there.

Elizabeth Shue plays the sexy scientist co-worker whom Bacon would like to rape and Josh Brolin plays the hunky scientist co-worker whom he would like to bludgeon. Most of the movie focuses on Bacon trying to achieve these things and him giggling while murdering anyone who gets in the way.

All the Invisible Man tricks show up. They spray him with stuff to make him visible. He has to walk around naked. Echoy corridors make it hard to pinpoint where Bacon is. It’s a fun movie with genuinely good actors playing their rolls with a silly sci-fi script. Check it out.

REVIEW: Gallow Walkers (2011)

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Gallow Walkers: D+

Did you See Blade and think that it would have been vastly improved had the mythology been tweaked to include the Wild West and the special effects had been severely downgraded? Well then you would fucking love Gallow Walkers!

Wesley Snipes is back from his forgot-to-pay-his-taxes “vacation” as Aman, not Blade. Look how Bladey he is, though!

Blade is the son of a mortal woman and a vampire, determined to hunt the undead, whom he hates, because they killed his mother. Aman is the son of a mortal woman and a demon, determined to hunt a band of ever-resurrecting outlaws, whom he hates, because they killed his sister.

Blade was raised by a biologist vampire slayer in a filthy auto body shop. Aman was raised by a shaman demon hater in a filthy slaughter house.

Blade uses small firearms, a sword, and projectile weapons to murder vampires. Aman uses small firearms, a whip, and projectile weapons to murder demon outlaws. Both of them have uncanny precision too!

Aman doesn’t fight Triple H with fangs like Blade did, he fights Diamond Dallas Page who wears a metal bucket on his head.

The one-liners, Snipes voice-overs, and ridiculous hair will trigger Blade nostalgia.

The borrowing from other movies does not end there. Aside from bucket head DDP, the antagonists include a dude with no skin who must purloin it from his victims ala Hellraiser, a female outlaw who looks like Daryl Hannah from Blade Runner, some fucking goon who looks like Bib Fortuna from Return of the Jedi, an omniscient demon who sounds like Unicron from the Transformers animated movie, and a billion expendable Gallow Walker undead outlaws who vary in sophistication from stumbling zombie to suave megalomaniac kingpin.

Exposition overload! Entire characters exist only as plot devices to prompt Snipes to tell his life story. The flashbacks are constant. Not from all that acid I did over the span of the last decade, I mean the flashbacks of Aman’s stupid fucking origin story that is basically the same as Blade’s. I’m not talking about the chemicals that will be in my spinal cord for the rest of my life.

The spaghetti western nod is there, and for the effort, they get credit. The action/gore is minimal and computer generated. Almost all of the kills are from gunshots that blast the victim off screen. The music is exactly what you would expect in a cheap western.

Nothing special to see hear, worth a few chuckles and interesting enough to play the whole way through.

 

REVIEW: Dream House (2011)

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Dream House: F

The only thing “Dreamy” about this movie is Daniel Craig. I mean, seriously, his eyes alone are Dreamy as fuck. They’re like two cobalt planets made entirely of virginal arctic ocean. Two shards of a warm autumn sky, just for you. Dim crystal tunnels that spiral to a world of passion where their cold gaze steams from an inferno of desire.

The rest of the movie is an pitiful labyrinth of horse shit…

Actually, there is a lot of good acting in the movie but the convoluted story and quintuple “twists” are simply too much and thus build the aforementioned maze of excrement.

Daniel Craig and his family move into the Dream House and they are happy. Then there’s weird dudes staring at the house all the time and some things going bump-in-the-night. Craig gets curious and he starts digging around in the past to figure out why people are malevolently staring at his house instead of lazily staring into his two azure skull-portals.

Cliche alert: You’ll never guess where his detective work leads him… TO A CREEPY-AS-FUCK MENTAL INSTITUTION!

Well then we have to ask ourselves if Craig might be a patient in the mental institution. Perhaps the Dream House is nothing but a delusion cooked up by that brain hiding behind Craig’s glamorous, flirty, cornflower whirlpools.

Go ahead and hold that thought for a fucking nanosecond because before you have time to explore that possibility, in comes Naomi Watts to spoil everything. Now the Dream House Fantasy is looking more like a Dream House Criminal Conspiracy or a Dream House Small Town Cover-Up.

“Well okay,” you think to yourself. “Maybe it is just a case of -”

“SHUT THE FUCK UP!” bellows the movie. Suddenly: ghosts. And fire. And hired assassins. And revenge killings. And duel-layered cases of mistaken identity. And ambient music. And more mental institution. And murderous psychos. And benevolent ghosts. And more coincidences than snowy flecks of white in Craig’s sexy sapphire marbles.

What a goddamn mess.

REVIEW: The Omen (1976)

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The Omen: B+

The anti-Christ is up in here, up in here and he’s a weird, bug-eyed little boy. This movie has a style similar to Rosemary’s Baby in that it manages to invoke “terror” and interest without in-your-face gore but instead with subtle suspense and events that gradually increase in creepiness, building up to the big Satanic conspiratorial reveal at the end.

Gregory Peck’s sexy ass is an American diplomat to England. When he isn’t eating bangers and mash while sternly furrowing his brow, he’s hanging out with his wife and their little boy Damien. Only Damien isn’t their actual son! Their son died shortly after being born and ol’ Peck was convinced by the creepy hospital staff to swap the dead baby for a newborn whose mother died in childbirth. And, get this, he didn’t tell his wife about the switcheroo!

What a dope.

Once Damien is around three years old, all of a sudden, there’s some morphine-addicted priest and the professor from Ninja Turtles 2 trying to convince Peck that his son is the anti-Christ and that he should take him to a church and kill him. Who the FUCK would believe that? Certainly not Gregory Peck. These priests. They’ll say anything for a little attention.

And so begins the cycle of the movie that involves Peck slowly realizing the truth while the body count rises and Satanists (both humanoid and canine) embed themselves in strategic positions to protect Damien.

I feel bad for Damien. Could you imagine being the Prince of Darkness but you have to sit there pretending to be a little boy all the time? Eating baby food and riding a tricycle? Pretending you don’t know how to talk or read just so you could effectively cause global annihilation one day? Bor-ing. At least he gets to kill someone in the funniest scene of the movie (which involves a tricycle).

The music is good, the Satan stuff is really funny (but meant to be scary). The kills are abrupt and fun.