Author Archives: Bleeding Richards

REVIEW: Jaws (1975)

Posted on by

0

Jaws

Jaws: A+

What the fuckety fuck is a classic like Jaws doing on this site?  Well crap it all, if The Saddest Clown in the World is going to review Psycho, I’m going to review the best damn Carcharodon carcharias movie ever.  (That’s right.  It’s even better than Jaws:  The Revenge.)

The really ironic thing is that if things had gone Steven Spielberg’s way, this might have been a giant slice of turd pie.  At the very least, it wouldn’t have become a classic.  What was the problem?  The damn shark didn’t work right.  That means he had to focus on some crazy shit like story and character.

Like every sane person who isn’t a Hitler-loving child molester who eats his own feces, I probably watch this film at least once a year.  Do I watch it for the awesome shark attacks?  No.  I watch it because I love the characters.  I love the pacing.  I love the dialogue.  I diarrhea in my pants with joy every time Quint says something.  That fucker’s gonna get that damn Great White no matter what, ’cause he saw all his buds become a shark buffet, and no matter what the goddamn tagline was forJaws 4, shit was PERSONAL with this film.  But hey, it’s not just Quint who’s great.  Brody’s awesome, and I turn into a sentimental pile of goo during that scene where he tells his son the reason why he wants a kiss is because “I need it.”  And who can forget Hooper?  He learns the hell out of you with all his shark trivia.

But hey, the shark’s still cool.  Now, I’m not one of those hipster fucks who reflexively bemoans the use of CGI.  I actually think that really good CGI beats practical effects on some occasions.  However, bad practical effects are always better than bad CGI.  Even if you think that Bruce looks like a robot shark, a robot shark can still chomp your stupid ass in half.

Buy this bitch on Blu-Ray, ’cause it looks so divinely pristine that you’ll be convinced that you’re a shark.  Then you’ll run to the nearest beach and chomp into some poor kid who’s going for a swim.  And he’ll be delicious.  And his mom will slap the sheriff.

REVIEW: Piranha 3D (2010)

Posted on by

0

Piranha3D

Piranha 3D: B

In the theater, this was called Piranha 3D, but when you watch it now, it’s probably just called Piranha, which isn’t to be confused with the original 1978 release..

The best kind of dumb movie is one that knows it’s dumb.  This is one of those, and it gives the audience just what it wants – tons of gory piranha kills and copious nudity.

You know that part in a movie where there’s some really awesome nudity and you think: “I could totally jerk off to this.  Maybe I should start pulling my pants down…nah, it’s going to end soon and then I’m gonna have my dick in my hand while somebody’s balls are being chewed off by a piranha.  Then my mom’s gonna walk in the room and think that I get off to that sort of thing, and BOOM!  Infinite psychiatric sessions.”  Well, just as that thought leaves your head with this movie, the Kelly Brook nudity continues, and you think, “Man, this is going longer than I thought.”  When it finally does end, all you can think to yourself is, “I totally could have rubbed one out, and she’d still be naked and my mom would finally stop thinking that I’m gay!”  (If you actually are gay, good luck to you, son.  There are a lot of uncaring, homophobic people who don’t respect you the way they should.  Give me a petition for a remake of this film with some dude nudity, and I’ll totally sign it.  I’ll even watch it with you.)

Other pluses include an homage to Jaws at the beginning, a girl getting her hair caught in a propeller resulting in her face being torn off, and some fun performances by a lot of talented actors who are having fun with the material.  The ending is spot-on perfect as well.

The only drawback to this film is the CGI.  I had a hard time feeling completely absorbed in the movie because I kept thinking that people were being attacked by CGI piranhas.  Maybe they should have just went with it.  “Agh!  A computer-generated image of a piranha is eating my legs!  How can this be?  It’s like that episode of Spider-Man and his Amazing Friends when that video game character came to life, only this is a piranha, or to be more accurate, a lot of piranhas!”

With dialogue skills like that, I could totally be a Hollywood big shot.

REVIEW: Dead Snow (2009)

Posted on by

0

Dead-Snow

Dead Snow, Grade C+

How offensive.  Apparently, the makers of this movie felt as though Nazis weren’t bad enough, so they had to go ahead and make the Nazis into zombies.  What was the pitch like for this movie?  Did the screenwriter go to the studio for a film that featured Nazis as the bad guys but the producers replied:  “Nazis?  As bad guys?  What else have you got?”  Then, off the top of his head, the writer said, “Umm…what if I make them zombies?”

This film takes place in a land called “Norway” which is, from what I can tell, one huge glacier. The people there speak what sounds like German if you’re only vaguely familiar with what German sounds like.

The story involves some young people blah blah blah Nazi zombies.  The one good thing that this film has going for it is that it’s not taking itself too seriously, and it’s entertaining if you’re watching it with a bunch of friends.

Some of the highlights of the film include an outhouse scene and a guy using a large intestine as a rope.  The one scene that really stood out in my mind when I saw this was when a dude gently inserted his penis into a woman’s vagina.  Yeah, that was a totally different movie, but one of my friends said that apparently there was a porn on Netflix.  We checked it out, and at first it seemed pretty tame with nudity but no actual penetration.  We then fast-forwarded it, and you’d better believe there was some full-on ruttin’ going on, but in a classy sort of a way.  I don’t remember the name of that movie, but I totally remember those two people doin’ it better than I remember anything from this Nazi zombie film.

REVIEW: Paranormal Activity 3 (2011)

Posted on by

1

paranormal_activity_3

Paranormal Activity 3, Grade C-

Want to see a movie that’s pretty much the same thing as a couple of other movies? Have I got one for you. “Oh, but Dick, this one answers some of the mysteries from the previous two installments!” Fuck all that shit, ’cause it don’t. At least, it doesn’t answer anything that probably wasn’t written by some zit-faced teenager who was writing Paranormal Activity fan fiction after feeling like he needed to do something “normal” after writing for the Erotic Digimon Fan Fiction forum.

Yeah, that’s right. There’s erotic fan fiction. For Digimon. And now you wanna google that shit, and it will be a waste of your life, but it will reveal more surprises than this tired retread ever will. If you choose the path of PA3, you’ll wind up wishing that you were jacking off to that fan fiction, unless you’re some kind of high class pervert who would only be interested in erotic X-Files fan fiction that features Scully in a classy, yet rich with details, lesbian love scene with some stupid alien whore who turns out to have been coming down to the Earth for thousands of years, and the Greeks used to know her as Athena.

So yeah, everything you figured out in your head as to what happened before the first two movies, which were pretty entertaining, is pretty much what happened. When are we ever going to learn shit from the demon’s point of view? Why does he like to knock shit over? Why do that whole “ghost” bit where he wears a fucking sheet? What’s his motivation? Could he have chomped that one dude’s dick off rather than just give him a stupid scratch?

And why does he always wind up killing the person he’s scaring by the end? Why wait it out? Is he like a cat playing with a mouse? Or is it all part of some bureaucracy that will get him that big promotion in the army of Satan when the Battle for Armageddon happens? And why doesn’t he just say to Satan: “Fuck this shit, yo! I know your stupid ass is gonna lose, bitch. It says so in The Bible, which is the inerrant word of God! Why do you even bother with this shit? Damn, come to think of it, why do I bother with this shit? The Lord is going to cast me into the abyss eventually. Everything else is just a fucking game until then.”

“Oh my God. What have I done?”

And then Jesus is going to have to forgive him, ’cause that’s what He does. Then by the time we get to Paranormal Activity 13 it can all be about an evangelical demon who proselytizes to the minions of hell, and he’s like, totally annoying and shit.

I recommend this movie if you haven’t seen the other two. Or if you haven’t seen movies.

REVIEW: Ice Cream Man (1995)

Posted on by

0

icecreamman

Ice Cream Man – Grade: D

Opie Taylor. Richie Cunningham. When one thinks of America and everything that’s great about it, it’s the image of these two characters, both played by Ron Howard, that comes to mind. They showed us everything that’s good and hopeful about the U.S. of A. No doubt Ron Howard considers himself quite fortunate to have been able to play both of those parts.

Well, I hate to break it to you. America isn’t all smiles, candy, and fifties rock. America has a dark side. And that dark side could have been played by none other than Ron Howard’s brother in Ice Cream Man.

The film begins with a situation that the average American, the kind who isn’t hidden away in some ivory tower of wealth and privilege, knows all too well. That’s right, we’re talking about the murder of an ice cream man. How many of us can remember running out to greet the Ice Cream Man, only to witness him being murdered in cold blood? And the tragedy doesn’t just end there. It affects the lives of the children who witness such an atrocity. They go on to become ice cream men themselves, only they serve up a chilling helping of death along with all those delicious frozen desserts.

When Ron Howard’s brother scoops some ice cream that contains the eyeballs of the children he has murdered, it’s like his victims are looking back at him. Just as Shakespeare forces the audience to live in Macbeth’s skin while he washes the blood from his hands after killing King Duncan Donuts, we are shown that Ron Howard’s brother must look into the eyes of his victims. The brutal sacrifice may be over, but the souls of the victims live on as he scoops away. Not only that, but he offers these eyeball-filled treats to the neighborhood. It’s as though Ron Howard’s brother is saying to the entire neighborhood, nay, the entire WORLD: “Look what you have created! See what your society has wrought, and WOE, WOE UNTO US ALL!”

Overall, the production values were pretty shitty, and the effects were lousy. This movie was a heaping slice of ass.

REVIEW: Jack Frost (1996)

Posted on by

0

jack-frost

Jack Frost – review  Grade:  A+ for fans of raping snowmen; F- for everybody else
 
Did you, like many people, enjoy seeing Shannon Elizabeth’s tits in American Pie? Did you, like even more people, think to yourself, “I am liking these tits, but I’m really curious as to what her ass looks like”? If you’re one of those people, and you’re too stupid to find her nude pics online, then Jack Frost will fill your spank bank full of images of her derriere, so long as a rapist snowman doesn’t nullify your boner.
I’m assuming that this Jack Frost is a sequel to the Jack Frost starring Michael Keaton, which I understood to be some sort of heartwarming, family film where a dead dad comes back as a snowman. Obviously, between this film and the last, he realized that he’s a FUCKING SNOWMAN and there’s no reason for him to follow any sort of moral code that’s been hardwired into normal homo sapiens over the course of thousands of years of evolution.
If you like snowmen, you’ll like this movie. If you think that snowmen are boring and they’d be more interesting if they murdered and raped, then you’ll LOVE this movie.
There were rumors that there was going to be a team-up/versus movie featuring Jack Frost and Ron Howard’s brother’s character from Ice Cream Man. That would have been awesome, as it no doubt would have been ripe for all sorts of metaphors instead of this string of predictably lame murders which are different from other movies with murderers because it’s a snowman doing the murders instead of a guy with some sort of mask and/or unconventional weapon. I should also point out that by “rumors” I mean “shit I just made up”.
As for me? I was kinda bored by it. What do you want from me? I saw it a hella long time ago. I had to read the fuckin’ Wikipedia article just to remember that he’s defeated with antifreeze. Oops. Should I have put a spoiler alert before that?  Fuck this movie and fuck you, too.