Author Archives: The Saddest Clown in the World

REVIEW: Psycho 4 (1990)

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Psycho IV: The Beginning: C+

So Norman Bates is not crazy again. He’s been released from the slam and he even has a wife who is…a psychiatric nurse. They live together in the Psycho House because of all the great memories. And memories is what we get. This is a prequel/sequel told mostly through flashbacks.

Norman seems to be doing okay until his wife tells him she’s preggers with his child. Then he starts getting all fussy because he’s afraid his child will inherit the mental illness that he inherited from Mother. He calls a radio talk show. The topic is, luckily, matricide. He says he’s thinking about killing his wife and the baby inside her to protect the world from brutal slayings. And they ask Norman to tell his story. So he does. And the flashbacks begin.

So it’s Anthony Perkins (who many might remember from 1964’s Agent 38-24-36) playing Norman Bates and Eliot from E.T. playing young Norman Bates. Playing Mother is Juliet, who we all know has great natural boobs. Even Norman thinks so and he gets punished for having a boner brush her leg while they’re wrestling. Because sex is bad and shameful, says Juliet. So she makes him dress as a girl as punishment for his boners. And Eliot is pretty traumatized to begin with because his dad died when he was 6 and he also lost his friend E.T.

But then Juliet starts banging Sledge Hammer. Then they build a motel and then all hell breaks loose because Norman can’t stop or stand thinking about his hypocritical, slutty mom and her fickle feelings about boners.

So he wastes them both and becomes like he was in Psycho One.

Then in modern day, he decides not to kill his family and puts the down the knife he had for doing that. Then he burns down Psycho House and says he’s okay now, thank you.

Passable. Pretty good acting, weird sexual tension everywhere and Juliet’s feelings about boners add up to put this in the realm of “Not a Waste of Time, at Least”. Especially if you like these characters. And it’s interesting to note that Joseph Stefano, who wrote the screenplay for Psycho One, is also the writer of this one and most likely had dementia when he wrote it. Because forgot the Juliet nude scene. That’s a senior moment if there ever was one.

REVIEW: Psycho 3 (1986)

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Psycho III: D+

Norman Bates is crazy again. He has a new stuffed mother, a Psycho House and a motel to run, and sex-shame rage killings to get to. But he has these people bugging him about all kinds of shit.

First there’s this nun with a death wish. She is supposed to kind of resemble Jamie Lee Curtis’ Mom from Psycho One. And she has the same initials, which is tripping Norman out. But this nun looks nothing like Jamie Lee Curtis’ Mom at all-so it didn’t trip me out-but then again I’m not a sex-shame rage killer so I see things pretty clearly. Norman, you know, he’s got issues. He starts to think maybe she’s the reincarnation of Jamie Lee Curtis’ Mom come to haunt him or something.

Also there’s this reporter and this music hobo who want to get famous by finding out if Norman’s up to something and what it is. And all these people do some things and then some people get killed and Norman just gets fussier, but it’s left up the viewer to decide if he’s gone back to sex-shame rage killings.

This groupie with great natural boobs gets killed in a phone booth, and then other stuff happens until Norman loses it and goes back to being crazy, even though he might not even be the one doing the killing. I can’t really remember, because it’s a stupid mystery that doesn’t make sense.

But I do remember this: this is just the names of Psycho and Norman Bates pushed through as a boiler-plate eighties slasherfest. And it sucks.

And the attempt at the end to reflect the awesome closing shot of Psycho One is just ham-handed and piss-poor and doesn’t make sense. And these days just a scary look isn’t enough, so they have to have Norman caressing a mummified severed hand instead of just staring like in the awesome Psycho One. Also, Anthony Perkins (who many might remember from Mahogany) doesn’t need to be doing close ups at this point in his life.

Then you find out that this turd was actually directed by Anthony Perkins. I would think he would be a better director because he was in some legal thriller directed by Citizen Kane. And you want to say “Didn’t you learn nothing? Fuck You, Tony Perkins!” and you want to yell it in a Cuban accent because you’re so mad. Then you remember he’s dead and you feel guilty for a few minutes.

But I will say this: for a gay man, Anthony Perkins knows how to cast great natural boobs.

D+ over all. But you will enjoy it more if you are the type of person who likes to see a talented artist shit on his legacy with hack work.

REVIEW: Psycho 2 (1983)

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Psycho II: B+

This movie was made and is set exactly 22 years after the events depicted in the first movie, which is called Psycho One. Anthony Perkins (who many might remember from The Black Hole) reprises his role as Norman Bates. And he’s pretty damn good.

Also returning from the original is Jamie Lee Curtis’ Aunt, who is again played by Vera Miles, who played the role of the worried sister of Jamie Lee Curtis’ Mom in the first film too.

Apparently, the sister ended up married to that hardware dude who Jamie Lee Curtis’ Mom was banging and stole money for in Psycho One. Right on, hardware dude…both sisters. I was kind of wishing he was in the movie so he could give a monologue about the sister’s different smells.

Anyway, after their harrowing experiences in the first film they fell in love and got married and hella banged without protection, because the Agnes of God is also in it, and she plays Jamie Lee Curtis’ Mom’s Sister’s Daughter.

If you are not an expert in genealogy, which I assume you are not, this means that Agnes of God is Jamie Lee Curtis’ Mom’s Niece, which makes her Jamie Lee Curtis’ cousin and those cousins both have great natural boobs.

Norman, he has just been declared sane and sent home to his motel and Psycho House. But this is no good for the Curtis girls. They want him back in the slam. So they’re trying to drive him crazy by moving shit around the Psycho House and hiding tape recordings of “Mother” trying to make him think he’s losing it again

So Agnes of God pretends to be a runaway, and she cons Norman Bates into giving her a place to stay, which is how they can put stuff in the Psycho House.

So Norman Bates is actually the victim here. Now, he’s not totally done with his old tricks. He still watches Agnes of God through a hole in the wall while she showers (which is how I know about the boobs), but the Oedipal/matricidal/sex-shame/misogynistic rage killings really have abated for now.

Also there’s a subplot about Detective Sipcowicz selling drugs out of the Bates Motel. That was probably a sting or something.

So will Norman win against these vindictive cunts? Watch it yourself, because it is a pretty passable sequel to a perfect movie-especially considering it was made in the early 80’s like Flashdance.

Anthony Perkins is great once again. Norman does pretty good keeping his mind and vanquishing his foes in the end.

Or at least until the end-end.

REVIEW: Psycho (1960)

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Psycho I: A+

Jamie Lee Curtis’ Mom has a problem. There’s this dude she likes banging but he’s poor. He says he’s too poor to get married because he has to pay off his father’s debts. He says she deserves something better than a poor man like him, but this doesn’t stop him from coming to town and putting it to her in a cheap hotel during her lunch hour every so often.

And she’s mad because he won’t let her come see him where he lives (which is someplace else). He says he lives in the back of a hardware store…which seems suspicious or it’s maybe just hella smooth, playa. But later in the movie, you see it’s true. He does live in the back of a hardware store. Which is not so much cool as it is nice to know he’s not a liar.

So she’s still all hot and bothered after throwing a leg up for this guy at lunch, and goes to some office where her job is to do something, and ends up stealing a bunch of cash her boss told her to put in the bank and skips town, going to that place where this dude lives.

But then there’s a desert, rain and a motel, and she meets Norman Bates, who has a bird fetish and a mean mom.

Then a lot of things happen-if you haven’t seen it, I’m not going to tell how it ends even with a spoiler warning because if you haven’t seen Hitchcock’s Psycho, your Cock is probably Hitched to something stupid, and you’re also too stupid to realize what a spoiler is…and your time is probably better spent finding out how the War of 1812 ended.

Anyway, I only wrote this so I could do reviews on the whole Psycho series, which keeps getting worse, except for the last one.

So, my official review is:

This is a perfect movie. Except for that special effect on the stairs. That’s obviously fake.

Also, Jamie Lee Curtis’ Mom in a bra and slip is sexier than all the blowup-toy-chested horror movie chicks that seem to be the only thing you can see in a mainstream horror movie today.

Can a brother get a natural boob? ‘Cause I been looking.

Psycho II review coming. See Psycho or it’ll ruin it for you.

REVIEW: Robot Ninja (1989)

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Robot Ninja: C+

“I am the Robot Ninja, and I kick ass”.

This is what the hero of the movie says the first time he appears in costume. That line is way more awesome than “I’m Batman” or Superman’s “A friend”. But here’s the problem: the hero is A) Not a Robot. B) Not a Ninja and C) Does not kick ass, and in fact gets beaten to death by criminals at the end of the movie.

Spoilers? No-because the whole time you’re watching the movie you’re thinking “This idiot is going to get killed….and that’s just fine with me”. As a plus, the actor is very handsome. I sincerely hope he’s enjoying his life as a bartender in West Hollywood and has pride in having this movie under his belt.

The Robot Ninja is this dude who decides that he should do good things for the community, and then goes out at night and gets his ass kicked by muggers and black people. A lot of times. Then he starts shoving sheet metal into his wounds. This does not make him stronger. He never learns Ninjitsu or gets a computer brain. He just covers his wounds with sheet metal.

The Robot Ninja is a comic book artist by day. Besides his night life ineptly fighting crime, he starts drawing comics that predict the future. At the end, he illustrates the cause of his own death and goes and gets killed. And he’s such an idiot, it makes total sense. And he doesn’t just die, he bleeds out while drawing his last comic-which is of him being dead. Roll credits. Then you can turn it off and do something else.

Bruce Ward (Robin from the 60’s Batman show) plays his boss and is all fat and gay and shit, which I dug. At least watch until Robin starts yelling and then injures his own hand. It’s pretty funny.

Also, there’s this one criminal who is pretty awesome. You’ll know him when you see him. He’s a terrible actor but you can see he’s really trying to do a good job. I give him an E for effort, but an F in “not being shitty”, which makes him average. That seems fair to me.

All in all, this movie is entertaining because it’s ineptly made but you can tell that the people who made it were trying their best. Please join me in honoring Robin and all of these low achievers who brought us this shit-covered gem.