REVIEW: Paranormal Activity (2007)

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Paranormal Activity: B+

A phenomenal success story for the low budget horror genre, Paranormal Activity was made for $13,000 with no recognizable actors, gore, or special effects. It’s a close cousin to The Blair Witch Project, but with less mystery at the end. If you liked that one, you’ll like this.

The trajectory of the film’s hype was easy to predict. There was a huge rush of praise, followed by the inevitable backlash of people who saw it after being told how good it was, went in with their expectations too high, and proclaimed it’s overrated.

What I liked most is that I can tell you what’s good about it. Remember what that was like? Before the days of big, overwrought, CGI nonsense likeTransformers 2G.I. Joe, and the excruciatingly awful-looking 2012 took over the multiplexes? Try asking someone what he liked about those movies. You’ll get “It was hella cool” and “It had so many ‘wow’ moments” and “Megan Fox is hot.”

Here’s my breakdown, sans spoilers:

What’s great about the film is that it plays with our feeling of safety. Blair Witch took place in the woods. Those people went looking for trouble.Paranormal Activity is shot exclusively within a young couple’s San Diego house. We’re trapped inside with them, and the claustrophobia builds. Furthermore, most of the really bad stuff happens in the bedroom, while they sleep. That’s the place we all should feel the safest, but when we sleep we’re never more vulnerable. That paradox played havoc with me for 90 minutes.

As per horror movie tradition, things start innocently enough with some soft thumping and harmlessly moved personal items, and the suspense builds from there. There’s the typical macho arrogance from the alpha-male who thinks it’s all a big joke…until shit gets real. And boy, does it ever get real. There are some slow moments, but the last ten minutes are as harrowing as it gets.

I wasn’t impressed by either of the two lead actors (Micah Sloat and Katie Featherstone), but they were passable enough to keep things in the realm of believability. The film’s strength is the way the suspense keeps building with the use of very simple techniques that don’t take an army of computer programmers. The use of stop-motion photography. A light going on and off. A menacing growl.

Low-budget success stories like this show that all is not lost for filmmakers who aspire to be more than glorified video game programmers or purveyors of torture porn. If you loved Hostel because “It was hella sick, bro,” this flick’s probably not for you. But if you are able to let your imagination run wild and don’t mind being haunted when you turn off the lights, this is a pretty creepy Activity.

REVIEW: Doomsday (2008)

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Doomsday: C-

This is a loud, gory, unrelentingly stupid film. To be fair, it isn’t horrible. It has its charms (likable or interesting lead characters are not among them). However, it plays like a mishmash of three or four different 80’s apocalypse movies, with The Road Warrior being most prevalent, along with a dash of Escape from New York. What might seem fresh and edgy to today’s youth who’ve likely never seen the source material was hackneyed for me.

Doomsday straddles the line between wanting to be an big, suspenseful action thriller and laughing at itself, tongue firmly in cheek. Director Neil Marshall (who played it straight in the excellent The Descent) really needed to choose a side here and decide whether he was making an homage to those 80’s films or just ripping off their most sensational aspects. He never quite gets there, and the result is a bloody mess.

Are you waiting for me to tell you the plot? Trust me; it doesn’t really matter. The premise is that Scotland has been walled of because of a killer virus, and those left behind the wall (but immune to the virus) go all Mad Max. It’s a zombie movie without actual zombies, just the dying and the insane. There’s rape, cannibalism, and a stage show with pyrotechnics.

There is one truly unique, memorable aspect to Doomsday. If you like beheadings, this is your flick. There have got to be at least five or six different instances of decapitation. Some of them are posthumous, some of them sudden and shocking, and at least a couple are replete with the head still reacting after being detached or even shrieking as it flies through the air.

If that’s your kind of thing, you may think this is the greatest movie ever. When I was 14 years old, I’d be right there with you.

REVIEW: Leprechaun (1993)

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Leprechaun: B

Watch Jennifer Aniston and her loser friends get terrorized by an evil Leprechaun. All the ingredients and talismans from classic Leprechaun-lore are there including the 4-leafed clover, rainbows, and pot of gold. Even though this movie about a demonic Leprechaun probably only exists because the writers were scraping the bottom of the how-can-we-make-this-fairytale-character-who-isn’t-in-a-horror-movie-yet-scary barrel, it is a classic and entertaining splatstick. If you’ve never heard of the films, the Leprechaun is a crude and slightly racist midget who loves LOLing at torture and death. He has magic powers which he uses to murder people in ironic and Looney Tunesesque scenarios.

Some 1980’s bro finds a pot of gold in Ireland and the Leprechaun hides in his luggage and makes his way back to the States. He murders the guy’s wife and drives him insane. The bro uses a 4-leafed clover to trap the Leprechaun in a box. Some 90’s bros accidentally free the Leprechaun from his prison ten years later and he immediately begins a killing spree motivated by his misplaced gold.

The kills are cool and the cartoonish tone that the movie takes makes it fun. You laugh while people are injured and killed and the Leprechaun drops numerous puns/one-liners. The comedy is mingled with the horror aspects of the film in a very successful way; there is serious gore, but also a Leprechaun cackling while riding a tricycle. At one point, he even smashes into Jennifer Aniston’s vehicle in a little Leprechaun car. Before he can reclaim all of his ducats, the Leprechaun is killed by a 4-leafed clover / gasoline explosion combo. His little skeleton is proof that he’s been killed. There is a lame cliffhanger involving a single gold coin.

The cult success of this film inspired several sequels and (unfortunately) multiple imitators that tried to capitalize off of the adored elements of the film. All of a sudden, there was a Rumpelstiltskin movie, a “Wishmaster” movie, tons of elf/fairy horror films, and (incredibly) more Leprechaun horror films not associated with this character or franchise.

REVIEW: Sleepaway Camp 2 (1988)

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Sleepaway Camp 2: Unhappy Campers: A-

This relatively unknown cult classic will appeal to you if:

1. You like horror films with creative/disgusting death sequences. My favorite is when Angela, the killer camp counselor, drowns a camper in an outhouse by using a larger branch to submerge the unlucky victim’s head beneath the muck. Classic.

2. You like gratuitous nudity. Lots and lots of it. You’re sold already, aren’t you?

3. You like the 80’s. The perms, mullets, and short shorts.

4. You like happy, yet oddly creepy camping songs that get stuck in your head for days. “Oooooohhhh, I’m a happy camper! I love the summer sun. I love the trees and forest; I’m always having fun!”

5. You like your movies to follow the plan: The promiscuous, drug-abusing teens go first, and that’s that.

6. You like sequels where seeing the original is not required. I’ve actually seen the original, and I’d advise against it. They tell you what you need to know in the beginning around the campfire, anyway.

REVIEW: Robot Ninja (1989)

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Robot Ninja: C+

“I am the Robot Ninja, and I kick ass”.

This is what the hero of the movie says the first time he appears in costume. That line is way more awesome than “I’m Batman” or Superman’s “A friend”. But here’s the problem: the hero is A) Not a Robot. B) Not a Ninja and C) Does not kick ass, and in fact gets beaten to death by criminals at the end of the movie.

Spoilers? No-because the whole time you’re watching the movie you’re thinking “This idiot is going to get killed….and that’s just fine with me”. As a plus, the actor is very handsome. I sincerely hope he’s enjoying his life as a bartender in West Hollywood and has pride in having this movie under his belt.

The Robot Ninja is this dude who decides that he should do good things for the community, and then goes out at night and gets his ass kicked by muggers and black people. A lot of times. Then he starts shoving sheet metal into his wounds. This does not make him stronger. He never learns Ninjitsu or gets a computer brain. He just covers his wounds with sheet metal.

The Robot Ninja is a comic book artist by day. Besides his night life ineptly fighting crime, he starts drawing comics that predict the future. At the end, he illustrates the cause of his own death and goes and gets killed. And he’s such an idiot, it makes total sense. And he doesn’t just die, he bleeds out while drawing his last comic-which is of him being dead. Roll credits. Then you can turn it off and do something else.

Bruce Ward (Robin from the 60’s Batman show) plays his boss and is all fat and gay and shit, which I dug. At least watch until Robin starts yelling and then injures his own hand. It’s pretty funny.

Also, there’s this one criminal who is pretty awesome. You’ll know him when you see him. He’s a terrible actor but you can see he’s really trying to do a good job. I give him an E for effort, but an F in “not being shitty”, which makes him average. That seems fair to me.

All in all, this movie is entertaining because it’s ineptly made but you can tell that the people who made it were trying their best. Please join me in honoring Robin and all of these low achievers who brought us this shit-covered gem.

REVIEW: Mr. Brooks (2007)

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Mr. Brooks: F

Mr. Boring. Just awful. If you are in the mood to watch some bullshit, here it is.

Costner plays an un-scary Patrick Bateman-like popular yuppie by day, schizophrenic serial killer by night. He winds up taking another psycho under his wing and they kill people. I think the writers were going for a dark character study with this one but the tortoise-like pace and lack of chemistry between Costner and Dane Cook put me to sleep. Mr. Brooks’ arguments with his sinister alternate personality are externalized as his id appears in the form of some annoying dude for like a thousand of these “debate” scenes.

Demi Moore is the best part of this movie. You can quote me on that. She is a hot-shot cop who sniffs around the old murder files and starts to pick up on Brooks’ shit.

SPOILER: One of the reasons the movie didn’t get a UV: Mr. Brooks outsmarts Dane Cook and murders the fuck out of him with a shovel.

I guarantee that you’ll see every kill coming a mile away and the dialogue is fake as hell. No one talks like the people in this movie. Even the deranged Brooks debates about murder are goofy as fuck:

Finding someone you think would be fun to kill is a bit like, well it’s a bit like falling in love. You meet a lot of candidates, and you like some of them, and they’re nice. But they’re not right. And that special one comes along, and your heart beats faster, and you know that’s the one.

If you thought that was “deep,’ you should check this film out. You’ll probably have an existential meltdown when Dane Cook works some of his jokes into the movie.

REVIEW: Hellraiser 3 (1992)

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Hellraiser 3: C

Hellraiser 3 keeps in line with Hellraiser 2 in that Pinhead is still trapped in a fucking rock. He somehow got his identity divided and exists simultaneously as his human self and the demonic cenobite. His human self is stranded in a black hole somewhere while his cenobite self is the only part of him trapped in stone. That’s mostly where the original ideas stop. Then the old Hellraiser formula kicks in…

Pinhead, while trapped in the rock, has to use his limited supernatural powers of intrigue to temp some idiot into opening the cube with the promise of accessing new levels of hedonism that walk the line of pleasure/pain. JUST LIKE IN THE OTHER MOVIES WHERE HE NEEDS HUMANS TO SUMMON HIM. Only through this can he fully bust out of his rock and start ritually hooking motherfuckers. Things start going his way when douchey 90’s Night-at-The-Rocksbury club rats become mesmerized by the box and start getting murdered. JUST LIKE IN THE OTHER MOVIES WHERE PEOPLE START IRONICALLY START DYING BECAUSE OF THEIR INFACTUATION WITH THE BOX. The club owner is the hedonist/evildoer character who will inevitably empower the cenobites through his own shittiness. JUST LIKE IN EVERY OTHER HR MOVIE. He buys the Pinhead rock thinking it is cool modern art, some assholes are systematically slaughtered by the power of the cube, and (of course) some do-gooder gets wise to what’s happening. JUST LIKE IN THE OTHER FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKING MOVIES! The temptation gradually becomes manipulation, and then becomes possession.

When Pinhead finally busts out, two things happen: some decent carnage occurs as he summons cenobite backup (one cenobite uses possessed CD’s to telekinetically slice people), and a sub-plot is fully exposed that (I think) explains that Pinhead’s identity spilt somehow resulted in the total corruption/evil of rock-Pinhead. Apparently, the human-Pinhead (who, again, was trapped in a vortex the whole movie) was the only thing keeping the original Pinhead from being a ruthless asshole. The Pinhead consciousnesses fuse and him becoming more complete somehow vanquishes him. Okay. The ending is some “THE END” with a “…?” after it shit. JUST LIKE…

 

REVIEW: Raptor Island (2004)

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Raptor Island: D+

I watched Pterodactyl the other night. When  I saw that Raptor Island was next, I let out a long breath, sadly mumbled “fuck it,” resigned myself to the idea of watching it, and thought about my life during the credits of Pterodactyl.

Lorsnzo Lamas leads a team of soldiers in pursuit of (what else?) terrorists to fucking Raptor Island! You can see where this is going and what kinds of shenanigans to expect. Cheaply rendered CGI raptors feast on soldiers and terrorists alike. All the same ingredients of Pterodactyl and all the same lamentable movie-making. My favorite Lamas quote (with a straight face, standing over comrade’s fallen body): “Secure his body men; I don’t want those raptors gettin to it!”

I included an image of the raptors so you can see the level of CGI we’re dealing with. Not only do you have to suspend your disbelief and pretend that Lamas is anything other than a pill-head with a bad tan, but you also have to pretend like those fucking feeble, shivering polygons that slunk around to the same 30 second clip of “raptor” noise are dinosaurs.