REVIEW: Piranha 3D (2010)

Posted on April 22, 2013 by Bleeding Richards

Piranha 3D: B

In the theater, this was called Piranha 3D, but when you watch it now, it’s probably just called Piranha, which isn’t to be confused with the original 1978 release..

The best kind of dumb movie is one that knows it’s dumb. This is one of those, and it gives the audience just what it wants – tons of gory piranha kills and copious nudity.

You know that part in a movie where there’s some really awesome nudity and you think: “I could totally jerk off to this. Maybe I should start pulling my pants down…nah, it’s going to end soon and then I’m gonna have my dick in my hand while somebody’s balls are being chewed off by a piranha. Then my mom’s gonna walk in the room and think that I get off to that sort of thing, and BOOM! Infinite psychiatric sessions.” Well, just as that thought leaves your head with this movie, the Kelly Brook nudity continues, and you think, “Man, this is going longer than I thought.” When it finally does end, all you can think to yourself is, “I totally could have rubbed one out, and she’d still be naked and my mom would finally stop thinking that I’m gay!” (If you actually are gay, good luck to you, son. There are a lot of uncaring, homophobic people who don’t respect you the way they should. Give me a petition for a remake of this film with some dude nudity, and I’ll totally sign it. I’ll even watch it with you.)

Other pluses include an homage to Jaws at the beginning, a girl getting her hair caught in a propeller resulting in her face being torn off, and some fun performances by a lot of talented actors who are having fun with the material. The ending is spot-on perfect as well.

The only drawback to this film is the CGI. I had a hard time feeling completely absorbed in the movie because I kept thinking that people were being attacked by CGI piranhas. Maybe they should have just went with it. “Agh! A computer-generated image of a piranha is eating my legs! How can this be? It’s like that episode of Spider-Man and his Amazing Friends when that video game character came to life, only this is a piranha, or to be more accurate, a lot of piranhas!”

With dialogue skills like that, I could totally be a Hollywood big shot.

REVIEW: Psycho 2 (1983)

Posted on April 22, 2013 by The Saddest Clown in the World

Psycho II: B+

This movie was made and is set exactly 22 years after the events depicted in the first movie, which is called Psycho One. Anthony Perkins (who many might remember from The Black Hole) reprises his role as Norman Bates. And he’s pretty damn good.

Also returning from the original is Jamie Lee Curtis’ Aunt, who is again played by Vera Miles, who played the role of the worried sister of Jamie Lee Curtis’ Mom in the first film too.

Apparently, the sister ended up married to that hardware dude who Jamie Lee Curtis’ Mom was banging and stole money for in Psycho One. Right on, hardware dude…both sisters. I was kind of wishing he was in the movie so he could give a monologue about the sister’s different smells.

Anyway, after their harrowing experiences in the first film they fell in love and got married and hella banged without protection, because the Agnes of God is also in it, and she plays Jamie Lee Curtis’ Mom’s Sister’s Daughter.

If you are not an expert in genealogy, which I assume you are not, this means that Agnes of God is Jamie Lee Curtis’ Mom’s Niece, which makes her Jamie Lee Curtis’ cousin and those cousins both have great natural boobs.

Norman, he has just been declared sane and sent home to his motel and Psycho House. But this is no good for the Curtis girls. They want him back in the slam. So they’re trying to drive him crazy by moving shit around the Psycho House and hiding tape recordings of “Mother” trying to make him think he’s losing it again

So Agnes of God pretends to be a runaway, and she cons Norman Bates into giving her a place to stay, which is how they can put stuff in the Psycho House.

So Norman Bates is actually the victim here. Now, he’s not totally done with his old tricks. He still watches Agnes of God through a hole in the wall while she showers (which is how I know about the boobs), but the Oedipal/matricidal/sex-shame/misogynistic rage killings really have abated for now.

Also there’s a subplot about Detective Sipcowicz selling drugs out of the Bates Motel. That was probably a sting or something.

So will Norman win against these vindictive cunts? Watch it yourself, because it is a pretty passable sequel to a perfect movie-especially considering it was made in the early 80’s like Flashdance.

Anthony Perkins is great once again. Norman does pretty good keeping his mind and vanquishing his foes in the end.

Or at least until the end-end.

REVIEW: Leprechaun 4: In Space (1997)

Posted on April 22, 2013 by BloodCrypt Keeper

Leprechaun 4: In Space: D+

I know what you’re asking yourself right now, but allow me to counter with a question of my own: Why wouldn’t the Leprechaun be in space? Huh? Think about that, smarty-pants.

The Leprechaun’s evil has reached intergalactic proportions in this shitfest of a film. He kidnaps a princess from another planet whom he plans to use as a hostage in order to become king of her home-world. Then, some space-marines come along. You know. Space-marines. Like in Aliens and Starship Troopers. They murder the shit out of the Leprechaun, but he manages to sneak onto their vessel in a completely logical manner: When an overzealous marine is urinating on his corpse, the Leprechaun transmigrates his essence into the guy’s penis, which he later violently bursts from once he returns to the ship. That’s right: a dick-stowaway.

By the way, don’t google “dick-stowaway.”

Now that the “in Space” part is taken care of, we can sit back and watch the Leprechaun formula mindlessly unfold. Everything that happens in spaceship sci-fi movies happens; someone gets sucked through the airlock, someone’s spacesuit is ruptured, someone is an android, a self-destruct sequence is initiated. At one point, the Leprechaun genetically mutates one of the crew into a human-arachnid hybrid. He is doused in liquid nitrogen and shattered by a bullet a la Terminator 2, similar to how your will to live should be feeling at this point in your viewing of this abysmal mess.

The rip-offs of the Alien movies are fucking shameless. If space-marines, bursting from a human body, spaceship self-destruct, and hidden androids weren’t enough, the Leprechaun is zapped with an enlarging ray, becomes a 40-foot tall version of himself, and, just like the Queen at the end of Aliens, the protagonist blasts him through the airlock into space after a showdown in the cargo bay. Someone should blast this movie into space. But then, aliens might find the movie and assume it is a representative of our collective culture. Then they would understandably kill us all. Thanks a lot, Leprechaun 4!

The Leprechaun explodes in space and his disembodied hand flips off the space ship at the end of the film for one last fucking lame zinger. Really, he is flipping off the audience as if to say “At no point during the making or execution of the film did we respect you, the audience. Hey audience: FUCK YOU.”

REVIEW: Bunnyman (2011)

Posted on April 22, 2013 by Big Z

Bunnyman: F-

Horror movies with a man in a bunny suit as a killer have an un-illustrious past to say the least with 2004’s Peter Rottentale being the medium’s one and only low light. Bunny Man proudly carries on Rottentale’s tainted legacy by putting on another shameful display of all that is wrong with modern low budget horror.

Basically five idiots are driving down a road when they start getting stalked by Bunny Man who is driving his big tow truck a la Jeepers Creepers. Eventually he steers them off the road where they crash and then they are forced to wander the forest while Bunny Man hunts them down. The group shifts from location to location meeting various local rednecks and having inane conversations with them which cumulatively drives the plot no where. Eventually they meet a girl and her brother who offer them help, but in reality are Bunny Man’s twisted family who are merely bringing them to the cabin to cannibalize them. From there nothing more then a shameless Texas Chainsaw Massacre rip off ensues with some of the worst kills I have ever seen including a car falling on a guy an having gravy leak out of the sides. However most kills are simply blunt force trauma that is covered up, or actualized by throwing blood on a wall.

This movie literally has no plot. None of the characters are given a back story or motivation and none of them are properly introduced or even have generic horror movie roles such as the jock or the bimbo. I think the fuckers who directed this just were like “hey how cool and weird would it be if their was a killer in a bunny suit who lives with a cannibal family” then made a shitty movie around that flawed premise.

Fuck whoever made this and the fact that this shit fest has a sequel already is grounds for a beating.

REVIEW: Dead Snow (2009)

Posted on April 22, 2013 by Bleeding Richards

Dead Snow, Grade C+

How offensive. Apparently, the makers of this movie felt as though Nazis weren’t bad enough, so they had to go ahead and make the Nazis into zombies. What was the pitch like for this movie? Did the screenwriter go to the studio for a film that featured Nazis as the bad guys but the producers replied: “Nazis? As bad guys? What else have you got?” Then, off the top of his head, the writer said, “Umm…what if I make them zombies?”

This film takes place in a land called “Norway” which is, from what I can tell, one huge glacier. The people there speak what sounds like German if you’re only vaguely familiar with what German sounds like.

The story involves some young people blah blah blah Nazi zombies. The one good thing that this film has going for it is that it’s not taking itself too seriously, and it’s entertaining if you’re watching it with a bunch of friends.

Some of the highlights of the film include an outhouse scene and a guy using a large intestine as a rope. The one scene that really stood out in my mind when I saw this was when a dude gently inserted his penis into a woman’s vagina. Yeah, that was a totally different movie, but one of my friends said that apparently there was a porn on Netflix. We checked it out, and at first it seemed pretty tame with nudity but no actual penetration. We then fast-forwarded it, and you’d better believe there was some full-on ruttin’ going on, but in a classy sort of a way. I don’t remember the name of that movie, but I totally remember those two people doin’ it better than I remember anything from this Nazi zombie film.

REVIEW: Psycho (1960)

Posted on April 22, 2013 by The Saddest Clown in the World

Psycho I: A+

Jamie Lee Curtis’ Mom has a problem. There’s this dude she likes banging but he’s poor. He says he’s too poor to get married because he has to pay off his father’s debts. He says she deserves something better than a poor man like him, but this doesn’t stop him from coming to town and putting it to her in a cheap hotel during her lunch hour every so often.

And she’s mad because he won’t let her come see him where he lives (which is someplace else). He says he lives in the back of a hardware store…which seems suspicious or it’s maybe just hella smooth, playa. But later in the movie, you see it’s true. He does live in the back of a hardware store. Which is not so much cool as it is nice to know he’s not a liar.

So she’s still all hot and bothered after throwing a leg up for this guy at lunch, and goes to some office where her job is to do something, and ends up stealing a bunch of cash her boss told her to put in the bank and skips town, going to that place where this dude lives.

But then there’s a desert, rain and a motel, and she meets Norman Bates, who has a bird fetish and a mean mom.

Then a lot of things happen-if you haven’t seen it, I’m not going to tell how it ends even with a spoiler warning because if you haven’t seen Hitchcock’s Psycho, your Cock is probably Hitched to something stupid, and you’re also too stupid to realize what a spoiler is…and your time is probably better spent finding out how the War of 1812 ended.

Anyway, I only wrote this so I could do reviews on the whole Psycho series, which keeps getting worse, except for the last one.

So, my official review is:

This is a perfect movie. Except for that special effect on the stairs. That’s obviously fake.

Also, Jamie Lee Curtis’ Mom in a bra and slip is sexier than all the blowup-toy-chested horror movie chicks that seem to be the only thing you can see in a mainstream horror movie today.

Can a brother get a natural boob? ‘Cause I been looking.

Psycho II review coming. See Psycho or it’ll ruin it for you.

REVIEW: Paranormal Activity 3 (2011)

Posted on April 21, 2013 by Bleeding Richards

Paranormal Activity 3, Grade C-

Want to see a movie that’s pretty much the same thing as a couple of other movies? Have I got one for you. “Oh, but Dick, this one answers some of the mysteries from the previous two installments!” Fuck all that shit, ’cause it don’t. At least, it doesn’t answer anything that probably wasn’t written by some zit-faced teenager who was writing Paranormal Activity fan fiction after feeling like he needed to do something “normal” after writing for the Erotic Digimon Fan Fiction forum.

Yeah, that’s right. There’s erotic fan fiction. For Digimon. And now you wanna google that shit, and it will be a waste of your life, but it will reveal more surprises than this tired retread ever will. If you choose the path of PA3, you’ll wind up wishing that you were jacking off to that fan fiction, unless you’re some kind of high class pervert who would only be interested in erotic X-Files fan fiction that features Scully in a classy, yet rich with details, lesbian love scene with some stupid alien whore who turns out to have been coming down to the Earth for thousands of years, and the Greeks used to know her as Athena.

So yeah, everything you figured out in your head as to what happened before the first two movies, which were pretty entertaining, is pretty much what happened. When are we ever going to learn shit from the demon’s point of view? Why does he like to knock shit over? Why do that whole “ghost” bit where he wears a fucking sheet? What’s his motivation? Could he have chomped that one dude’s dick off rather than just give him a stupid scratch?

And why does he always wind up killing the person he’s scaring by the end? Why wait it out? Is he like a cat playing with a mouse? Or is it all part of some bureaucracy that will get him that big promotion in the army of Satan when the Battle for Armageddon happens? And why doesn’t he just say to Satan: “Fuck this shit, yo! I know your stupid ass is gonna lose, bitch. It says so in The Bible, which is the inerrant word of God! Why do you even bother with this shit? Damn, come to think of it, why do I bother with this shit? The Lord is going to cast me into the abyss eventually. Everything else is just a fucking game until then.”

“Oh my God. What have I done?”

And then Jesus is going to have to forgive him, ’cause that’s what He does. Then by the time we get to Paranormal Activity 13 it can all be about an evangelical demon who proselytizes to the minions of hell, and he’s like, totally annoying and shit.

I recommend this movie if you haven’t seen the other two. Or if you haven’t seen movies.

REVIEW: Leprechaun 3 (1994)

Posted on April 21, 2013 by BloodCrypt Keeper

Leprechaun 3: F+

Jeez. Where to start with this? I remember watching this movie on pay-per-view when I was 12 and even then, when I would watch ANYTHING in the horror section from the video store, I recognized this as a turd of a film. I remember laughing once at the whole thing, which says a lot since the comedy in this movie is exclusively slapstick and tit jokes. There is little worse than watching film that does this comedy poorly (I laughed when the Leprechaun flips the camera off, so that should tell you how mature I was while watching it for the first time).

The Leprechaun is trapped in a magic statue that winds up in a Vegas pawn shop. When some greedy nimrod releases him from the statue, he not only unlocks a murderous villain from a block of stone, he unlocks the same fucking movie we have already seen twice in the preceding films. The Leprechaun wants his gold and he also wants to kill people. This time, instead of murdering random white trash who were in the wrong place at the wrong time, he slaughters ambitious lowlifes in the gutters of Vegas casinos. They have the same ideas/personalities as the people who died in L1 and L2.

The Wishmaster kill model (which, I guess, should be called the Leprechaun 2 model) is over-utilized in the film. The most memorable kills are a magician getting sawed in half for real by the Leprechaun and a woman who wishes for a hotter body having her breasts/ass/lips supernaturally enlarged until she pops like a balloon full of pig guts. You can of course, see all of this coming a mile away and the execution is so anticlimactic by the time it happens, I contemplated punching myself in the crotch just so I could feel something. But I didn’t because that would have been a victory for Leprechaun 3.

The protagonist is bitten by the Leprechaun and he starts turning into one. Never mind the two biting incidents from the previous films that had no consequences. I think maybe it’s because the Leprechaun was wounded and maybe his blood got mixed in. I don’t fucking know and I’m not going to re-watch the scene just to confirm. If you are capable of critical thinking like that, this film is not for you.

The Leprechaun is defeated when his gold is set on fire. This has a voodoo-esque affect and the Leprechaun himself bursts into flames and dies. I wished at this time that I too would have burst into flames as it would have been more entertaining than Leprechaun 3. The main guy returns to a regular person and there is another Leprechaun cliffhanger at the end which you should realize doesn’t matter because the films have absolutely zero continuity.