REVIEW: Evil Dead (2013)

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evil dead reboot: C

an ok horror movie that’s a little bit better than most horror reboots, but still not really a ‘good’ movie. i would probably be more lenient with it if it wasn’t such a typical horror movie that almost abuses the ‘evil dead’ name. i’m sure kids in high school are telling each other that it’s the goriest movie they’ll ever see and i’m sure raimi and campbell are in suits after the premiere shaking hands thinking they accomplished tastefully cashing in on an old brand. but as good of a horror movie as it is, it’s just too conventional, too lukewarm, too ordinary of a horror movie that makes me sad that it’s an evil dead.

sam raimi’s directing in the original series is what sticks out most in my mind as a breath of fresh air in the horror genre. it seemed campy for campy sake. the script was genius in its off kilter comedy and cheesy one liners, but none of that could have worked if raimi hadn’t shot it the way he did. fede alvarez was given the helm because of his exceptional work on short films that no one has seen. his not so subtle homages to raimi’s original directing style were almost irritating because you would want more of it amid his charmless own directing style. it’s like hearing the ice cream truck a street over but it doesn’t come down your street.

some of the logic issues were annoying as well, but i won’t get too into that. sure demonic possession and it’s a horror movie are great excuses for suspension of disbelief. but i mean, all sorts of questions popped in my head as soon as i saw that nail gun. what the fuck is its history at the cabin? did the thieves bring it with them or forget to steal it? considering it’s probably worth more than anything else there. it couldn’t have been there for that long since cordless nail guns are a relatively new technology…

all in all i probably took this movie too personal since it’s ironically stamping on sacred grounds. and i’d like to think that i’ll check out the unrated version eventually, but i probably won’t, since i doubt they edited out personality and the nail guns origins.

REVIEW: Nightmares in Red, White, and Blue (2009)

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Nightmare in Red White and Blue: A-

This is a documentary about the American horror film featuring exclusive interviews with John Carpenter, George Romero, and numerous other horror icons and contributors. Great interviews and insightful commentary on some of my favorites. Traces horror from silent film all the way to modern hits like Saw and Hostel.

There are clips from hundreds of horror films and any horror fan will appreciate the elevated dialogue on the genre. Fans like me can admit that guilty pleasures lie in low budget slasher flicks and monster gore-fests, but we know that there is artistic merit and deep social commentary to be found in many works of horror; some of the best horror movies are the ones that make us cringe at the same time we realize that we are viewing a reflection of our own society’s shortcomings.

Lance Hendrickson narrates this odyssey and I can honestly say I was actively interested the whole time. Whether you are a fan of horror or just want a crash course before diving into the genre, you should see this immediately.

REVIEW: The Box (2009)

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The Box: D

I love the premise but I hate the movie.

The first 20 minutes of the film is great. The last lot of minutes are not so great. I feel like Kelly keeps doing this same formula: Great premise/conflict that unravels into a meandering spiritual cut-up. There are neat characters but then all of a sudden everything is sprawling out of control and there are CGI blobs

Langella shows up at Cameron Diaz’s house and tells her she can push this button, which, if she does, will result in the murder of a stranger, and her getting a million bucks. Or she can do nothing and sit there with that stupid look on her face and get no money. She needs money like most people, so it’s a real tough call.

She pushes it. This happens pretty early and initiates a plug-pulling on this film which then demands the audience sit there and watch Kelly drain the tub FUCKING SLOWLY.

What could have been a cool commentary on human nature and free will with a badass Twilight Zone atmosphere winds up being a 90 minute collage of people looking worried/confused that sprays pretentious CGI all over your retina.

REVIEW: Daybreakers (2009)

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Daybreakers: C

This movie is an allegory for whatever you want it to be an allegory for.

In a near future dystopia, a plague has transformed most of the population into vampires. The few remaining humans are fugitives or kept as livestock to sustain members of the upper-vamp class who can afford to purchase their expensive and rare blood. In this way, the movie is an allegory for imbalance of wealth and resources.

The movie follows Ethan Hawke, a self-loathing vampire scientist (who sometimes dresses like a fucking Quaker) who is working on a synthetic blood to be sold to the vamps of the world who, if they don’t feed regularly, devolve into vicious Nosferatu bat-things who attack vamps/humans alike similar to the Reapers from Blade 2. There is all sorts of allegorical stuff on class warfare and societal collapse here, so if that’s your thing, eat it up.

Sam Neill plays a malevolent vampire CEO whose every action is motivated by profit. He is trying to monetize Ethan Hawke’s research and the human blood of the world. He is an undead poster-child for capitalist greed. Every second of his screen time is a thinly veiled indictment of capitalism and Big Pharma. Another symbolic facet to the movie.

Dafoe is the hero of the movie, but not because he slays vampires. He is the hero because he disrupts corporate profits and he figures out how to redistribute resources. Allegorically, he is a socialist with a crossbow, I guess.

There is a lot going on here, so any unified “message” of the film sort of drowns in the movie’s ambition. Weirdly, this is admirable. I don’t have much to say here, I guess. The movie reminds me of all the diseases trying to infect Mr. Burns at once: there is so much shit cluttering the “doorway” of this movie that trying to focus on any one thing is just too distracting.

There is some pretty quality gore and make-up. If you decide to watch this movie, don’t think about it too hard. Just enjoy it.

REVIEW: 28 Weeks Later (2007)

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28 weeks Later: B
Greg like movie! Not as good as first movie, but movie still good enough for Greg! When Greg see zombies running in movie, Greg get jealous; Greg like most zombies and can only shuffle and limp!

Begbie from Trainspotting very good lead! Begbie think safe in military supervised compound, but that not true! He emote very good with face! Begbie very animated! Close-up of Begbie enough to affect audience fear and unease!

Movie have subtle subplot: Military just as bad villains as zombies! Greg like anti-authoritarian undertones of movie very much! Make Greg think about in past life when Greg was exploited retail worker cog in Blockbuster Video machine! Make Greg very mad! Make Greg wish zombies would eat bourgeoisie! One day, Greg break out of Bad Movie Place and return to strip mall and Greg eat flesh and brains of oppressors!

Whole cast very good in movie! Stringer Bell from The Wire very convincing cold-blooded military man! Greg hope you see movie! More people who read Greg movie reviews, slower Greg decompose in Bad Movie Realm!

REVIEW: Blade 2 (2002)

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Blade 2: C

I thought since Guillermo del Toro directed this that there might be some cool monsters or something in it. There are. But the vampires in this are the biggest fucking pussy vampires I have ever seen. The Twilight guy is more powerful than these things.

The movie is about these monsters called “Reapers,” who look like elderly albino guys with blue contacts and CGI mouths, who feed on vampires. The movie is also about Blade again, the vampire who kills vampires. Now we have these vampires who kill other vampires, including the vampire who already spent the last movie killing other vampires. Everyone in this movie wants to kill everyone else in the movie. It’s a big triangle – maybe an octagon, actually -of vampire/kung-fu violence.

The plot has more holes than Snipes’s IRS docket, but the story isn’t the point. The characters are pawns pushed into situations of inevitable vampire carnage. It’s one of those “we have to join forces” movies with a bunch of double-crossing. The fight scenes were not my favorite. They are all highly stylized in the same way that the Underworld movies are. People flip around, defy physics, and deliver more one-liners than Schwarzenegger in Running Man. Blade gives someone a vertical suplex. I love that move!

There is gore. You’ll see. The movie isn’t incredible but it was way better than Blade 3 which made me want to drive stakes through my eyes.

Ron Perlman is in it. He is Blade’s vampire foil character who spends most of the most smirking, growling, and getting in Blade’s face. You won’t care when he dies.

See it if you are bored or if you liked the first one.

REVIEW: The Rite (2011)

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The Rite: D+

The Rite? More like The Wrong (see what I did there?)!

This movie tried to take three things everyone loves about exorcism movies and beat the audience over the head with them.
1. Skeptical priest who needs his faith to defeat evil
2. Possessed host-bodies crunching and crumpling as demon force contorts them.
3. Demon voices coming from possessed innocent mouths, saying demented shit.

Hopkins is in it and it seems like he could care less. He delivers the standard lines you hear in every exorcism movie about the power of Christ blah-blah-blah while wearing an adorable sun hat. Rutger Hauer is in it. Did you know that they have both played Van Helsing? Well they have. I wish I could just write about that, but I should probably stick to this garbage exorcism movie.

No decent scares, even for an exorcism movie. There are some jump scares, but they barely work. There is a possessed horse, which is stupid, but would make a great scene in Scary Movie 6.

If you are into carbon copy wannabe Exorcist movies, you might like it. You know the deal: building jump-scares until the final showdown with the demon.

Your mother sucks cocks in Hell, this film sucks cocks on Earth.

REVIEW: Visiting Hours (1982)

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Visiting Hours: B-
Michael Ironside (aka “The Sides”) is a psycho killer-slasher who loves him some stalking but will totally kill any bonus victims he can get away with. He gets super stoked about killing and wears a creepy black tank top that contrasts nicely with his uncooked-bacon complexion.

Shatner shats around and overacts as usual and The Sides is killed by some 45 year old victim who outwits him. I like that they don’t waste too much time on Ironside’s origin; they show three short flashbacks that give you enough room to infer that he was molested by dad and witnessed domestic violence that inspired his hunger for murder.

Is it scary? Nope. Not at all. Watch Shatner fumble through this mess and lol at the Sides’ impulse kills and weird stalking.